give and take

[it's disclaimer time again. this one's gonna get dark, it's gonna get VERY adult. i have some depths-plumbing to do. so for the benefit of those who either don't like the dark stuff or just don't want that much information, i'm putting this entry behind a jump. proceed if you want to; skip if you don't.]

fire and rain

this is a bittersweet day for me. this would've been my mom's 58th birthday. i've written about her before, what happened, how she got sick and how she went. but i'm not really interested in focusing on the end of things. it sucks that she was so plagued with illnesses mental and physical over her life. but there was a lot of good in that woman, and i miss her on days like this.

she was a force of nature when she had her wits about you. so damn brilliant. no one could compete with her brain. (i like to think i take after her in that.) when i graduated from law school in may, my dad and i had about five minutes to ourselves in the midst of familial insanity, and he said to me, "your mom would've been so damn proud of you." that was probably the most meaningful thing i was told during all of that. she wanted to go to law school, but it never happened. she taught kindergarten and worked as a legal secretary instead. she'd have been great at it.

when she left us, i played the live version of "fire and rain" by james taylor from his album one man band on a non-stop loop for about a week. i thought i'd have more time. don't we all. but i've since made peace with what's happened. she's free. that's what matters. i have my memories of her, and i have the knowledge that i've done right by her legacy. i've grown into what she wanted for me. that's enough for me.

top of the world, mom.

torn up

whew, what a freaking dog of a day. i have been running, running, running. and in 3" heels, nonetheless. nine hours of bar review, a networking event and househunting, all on foot. i looked good doing it, if i do say so myself; i was dressed for this networking thing without time to change at all, so i had to be pulled together.

i love these shoes: green, round-toed T-strap heels. fun while still professional; just edgy enough to be interesting. but i sit here writing to you tonight in some pretty serious discomfort. i must've walked 2 miles today, and my feet are paying the price. but you know something? i looked the part. i was dressed to professionally kill and it helped my acumen in class. i was able to navigate the event alone with a smile, chatting up lawyers from the area with no real agenda other than to get noticed. i may have (if there's a just and loving deity in this world) even found myself a really ideal living situation.

and i smiled and i sold it, even though the pain was exquisite. it's a lesson, i guess - struggle, grace under fire, etc. also, maybe bring some better commuting shoes. but even though my feet are just torn up right now, my heart is surprisingly light. i lived. there's something to that.

[smile]

my life these days, by necessity, is quite small. i study, and i take an occasional break from the crushing weight of the biggest test i'll take in my life. but every so often there are small moments of simple transcendence that sweep in and remind me that everything's going to be okay. i got one of those today.

it's been a pretty rotten day, frankly. i woke up early feeling rotten after being up late feeling stressed. i dozed, i took a phone call, then i hit the books. i ran an errand that did not end well, and then, nerves shot beyond all recognition, i set out for dinner with my stepmom. i settled down over dinner, but i was still feeling really frayed and weary.

then i took a cab home. (my stepmom didn't want me to walk from the train alone. sweet, eh?) and the cab driver and i had a fabulous, warm and hilarious conversation about life in the metro DC area. he dropped me off, and i am now ready to spend another hour or so working. nothing like a little recharge like that to get me out of my head and remind me what matters.
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hey. how 'bout this - it's my 100th post. i'd like to take this time to thank y'all out there in blog-land. i've had a fabulous time getting to know my readers, discovering other people's work and generally taking advantage of this side of the internet. here's to many, many more. stick with me; it'll be fun. :)

the boss

didn't i just write about losing a piece of the yankee firmament? damn.

the boss is dead. after nearly 40 years, mr. steinbrenner is gone. if mr. sheppard's passing messed with my head, this knocks my world for a loop. i was born 8 years after CBS sold the team. i remember the insane years of hiring and firing, tampa-trust free agency foolishness, and the suspension for tailing dave winfield. the man was the original big spender.

every yankee fan had a complex relationship with the man. i hated how he treated yogi berra. i hated the mercurial nature of the 80s and early 90s. but i loved the drive. i loved the acumen. i love how he - and don't argue with me on this - resurrected the yankee mystique of the earlier dynasties and rebuilt the team into the billion-dollar juggernaut of class, polish and high standards that it is today. without mr. steinbrenner, god knows what would've happened to us.

so we say goodbye to our multi-faceted benefactor. god speed, mr. steinbrenner. may your sons take what you built and make it even better. may we never forget your dedication to the yankee brand. you join the pantheon of lost yankee legends today. we're better for having had you.

settle

i am learning, slowly but surely, what works for me and what doesn't. that's my favorite part of this whole process: finally figuring out what i alone need to get by. i'm realizing that it's going to be a rougher year than i may have anticipated. but it's nothing i can't handle. as my plans for the next 12-15 months start to crystallize, i'm learning the difference between managing expectations and settling for less.

for too long, i was all about settling for less. the middle way, the mediocre, the path of least resistance. the dull numbness of the center. i think it's pretty apparent that i have altered that frame of mind. i shook it up big-time by going to school again. now that i've earned that degree and stare down my next challenge, it's uncomfortable. i am damn tired of long days cramming for this stupid test. but the pain of this test, even though it's exquisite and annoying, is so much better than the dullness of showing up for another day at a job that just wasn't getting it done. the financial pinch of the next year will be tight, but it'll also be worth every last bit of the struggle when i am free.

i was told the other night, when i was in the middle of a lament about how much all of this has sucked, that "you are on the verge of getting absolutely everything you have ever wanted." it didn't really sink in at the time, but it's starting to creep in on me. yeah, there will be more pain. but after that, there will be more than i ever could have imagined. so i'll manage expectations. i'll live small.

but i will NEVER settle. never, ever again.

voice of god

i am a little dedicated to sports. it goes deep with me. i've been a yankees fan my whole entire life, starting in 1981 when things were bad. i remember the lean years before derek jeter showed up. so when i read today that bob sheppard, who announced games at yankee stadium since before my dad was born, passed on, it really knocked me for a loop.

not a shock, really; to live to age 99 is an accomplishment within and of itself. but mr. sheppard passing is one more iconic piece of my childhood slipping away. it's a small thing, one that i only got to enjoy in person a few times, hearing your team's announcer speak the names of your favorite players. but tied into every joyous moment i spent in the stadium is the rolling, gorgeous voice of mr. sheppard. reggie jackson called him the voice of god. if i were a believer, i'd be inclined to agree.

time only goes one way. but losing even little pieces of the fabric of your life hurts. rest in peace, mr. sheppard.

recidivism

so i've done all this big talk about moving on, breaking chains, and generally reclaiming my life. it was all going so well.

then he called. all progress gone.

sigh. i really will never learn. sad part is, i don't really want to learn, i think. there is just too much good that comes from this arrangement. if i can recalibrate my expectations to line up with his, this will be perfect. as it stands, this is almost perfect, but for that one... little... thing.

as backsliding goes, there could be worse things to do. but it's still backsliding. as long as i can recognize it, i can at least accept the consequences.

fun

puritan work ethic would dictate that i sit in this chair and slave over my notecards and outlines without a single thought for my sanity or my happiness. that's the important thing, right? slave to the grind. nose to the stone. tend those fields, girl.

heh. good thing i'm not a puritan. stepping out for a well-earned study break. fun is VITAL to my life. all work and no play not only makes me a very dull girl, but interferes with my ability to work.

so i'll catch y'all later down the road. going out to enjoy my evening. :)

fevered ego

i interrupt this fun night of memorizing elements of hearsay exceptions and watching the nationals lose to touch on a subject near and dear to my heart - egotism. it's not a word with which i'm unfamiliar. i've been tarred with that brush a time or two. i mean, hell; this is my favorite shel silverstein poem:

i love myself
i think i'm grand
i go to the movies
just to hold my hand
i wrap my arms around my waist
and when i get fresh i slap my face

but as much as i adore myself, i cannot fathom the depth of thoroughly unnecessary onanism that is going on over at ESPN tonight with lebron james. this is the height of spectacle, and why? because it's freaking BRON-BRON! we are all WITNESSES or something! gaah. no thanks. and not just because i'm not a fan of his to begin with. it's so much more.

i like baseball, football and hockey. those are team sports at their cores. yes, technically, basketball is too, but under the reign of david stern, the sport has become all about THE SUPERSTAR. the NBA essentially exists as a group home for fevered egos and drama queens. it's appalling. drew brees is my quarterback, but without tracy porter, it's suddenly not so clear that the saints win super bowl 44. the yankees won the series, true, but who was the MVP? hideki matsui. my beloved ovie is a god on the ice, but the capitals' best weapons have names like brooks laich and semyon varlamov.

but in basketball, it's all about the god. and bron-bron is god. so that's why the sports world is being told to stop on a dime to watch him tell us all where he's going to play next year. well, no thanks. you're not bigger than the game. i won't buy in. i'll watch my local last-place baseball team try to get it together and win tonight, and i'll watch them do it as a unit. as raging an ego as i can be, even i know when to say when.

when.

and now, gazpacho

so it's pretty clear by now that i am a woman of passions. i don't do it halfway, ever, no matter what it is, even when it's not a good idea. as samuel l. jackson once said in the criminally underrated 187, "if you're going to be stupid, don't be half-ass stupid, be all the way stupid!" i don't half-ass anything.

so tonight, i did something i dig. i cooked a real honest-to-god meal, 100% from scratch. i made the biggest bowl of gazpacho you have ever seen in your life. and if i do say so myself, it was quite delicious. i'll be enjoying this stuff for a week or more. (hint: if you make it for yourself, cut the salt in half, leave out the kalamatas, and use white balsamic vinegar instead of red wine vinegar. i love me some ina garten, but too. much. salt.)

so no drama, no angst, no revelations or great truths. just tomatoes, onions, cucumbers and peppers. happy summer, y'all!

validation

sometimes, the universe comes through for you in ways you just never saw coming. today was the bar review "mid-term," so to speak - a SEVEN-HOUR mock-up of the second day of the virginia bar exam. yuck, yuck, yuck. i slogged through it, knowing i am not close to where i want to be in a couple of subjects, and came home just enervated as hell, not wanting to look at a law book. i wanted to drink wine and read a novel instead of attacking the books again.

then i checked the mail. i got my certificate of appreciation from my externship class from last semester at school, but there was something else in the envelope along with it. turns out that a huge project i did during that three months at the court has now become binding precedent - in other words, the law - in the circuit where i worked. let me tell you, there is NOTHING cooler to a law dork such as myself as knowing that words i drafted are going into the southern reporter, to be researched and potentially cited someday.

this is why i do what i do. this is exactly why i kill myself like this. i am going to be a lawyer. i love the law, i love working with it, and i love the results of what i do. so thank you, universe, for the supreme reminder of why i'm sitting here surrounded by notecards and outlines on this hot summer night. you've saved my drive, my motivation and my satisfaction with my chosen profession. i needed that.

self-evident

it was a splendid weekend in our nation's capital, spent in the company of my favorite people. we drank, we socialized, and we enjoyed each other's company. and it's funny; one of my friends did me the greatest possible favor she could this weekend just by getting drunk with me and asking some questions.

this was not a conversation i necessarily wanted to have, mind you. the things she asked me were things i've kept unspoken and as hidden as possible for years now. but she just wanted to know what was going on, catching up on the situation and confirming some things she'd suspected. and as she asked me these questions, and i answered her, a funny thing happened. i started asking myself some questions about the answers i was giving. i gave her a complete and accurate description of the situation as it actually is (i mean, she guessed a lot of it. it wouldn't have been right to lie), and as i heard myself speak, i thought, you know, the things you're saying to her are true, and they are also completely insane. if you were listening to this, you would take the speaker by the shoulders and shake her, telling her how crazy she is for dealing with this.


the party ended last night, and the hangover with which i greeted today was vicious. but once i got it out of my system and started dressing for the day, i looked at the situation i was in with a new twist. i looked around and said to myself, this has simply got to stop. there's no good that comes from this anymore. and all it took to slap me across the face and wake me the hell up was a couple of awkward questions late at night on the patio of a bar, drinking cheap beer and catching up with friends.

so thanks for the perspective, hon. you've saved me from myself in a way i didn't realize i needed to be saved. certain truths should be self-evident, but when they're not, it's the best service you can give someone to gently point that out.

let freedom ring

happy 234th, america. you're a fabulous country, full of spirit, bombast and outsized attitude. that often gets you in trouble, but it's also what makes you great. you're founded on all the right things - openness, equality, opportunity - and it only takes a little prodding to get you to remember that. within reason, people can achieve stellar things in the american land.

so here's to ya, old girl. you're the country that formed me. here's to the people, everywhere here and abroad, who do great work to keep things as sane as possible. here's to the best and brightest of our national character winning out over the smaller, meaner threads of our crazy quilt. here's to fireworks, grilled food, adult libations and sunshine. here's to the stars and stripes. you've done all right for yourself over the last 2 1/2 centuries. let's keep the streak alive.

magnolia doin' work

so as i have whined about for a month-plus now, i am about to take the bar exam. that explains why it is a gorgeous saturday morning, blue skies, warm temperatures, low humidity... and i am sitting at my kitchen table with books open taking a study break by, well, whining some more.

if this were any other summer, i would still be in bed. i woke myself from a very nice slumber (with a very nice companion) to get dressed, walk back here and start studying. but it's not like this is a permanent situation; this time four weeks for now, i will be in the warm embrace of good friends, blowing off steam and drinking like it's the last night before prohibition. but for now, we work.

i've done everything in my power to make this process as painless as possible. but it's crunch time; no one can save me from the arduous task of learning enough law to be minimally proficient at it all for two days at the end of the month. sigh. so here we go into the breach. i'll do what i can to maintain my sanity. that's all i can do.

bonus post: blog games!

woo-hoo; 2 posts in a day! this is total birthday decadence. so here's the deal. the fabulous jessica has tagged me in a blog meme. and because a) it's my birthday, b) i hate studying real property and c) why the hell not, i'm playing! so without further ado, the great eight. (hell - it's a meme named after my beloved ovie. how can you go wrong?)

1.  What is your favorite board/party/card game?

trivial pursuit! trivial pursuit! and no one ever wants to play with me. we always end up playing asshole at parties. that's fun, too, but i really want to own everyone at trivial pursuit...

2.  What is your earliest memory?

i have this weird vestigial memory of standing in my crib looking at a fan in a window. i thought it was something i made up, but once i described it to my dad, and i apparently described my room at one year old to a T. weird.

3.  If you could witness one event that occurred prior to your birth, what would it be?

the march on washington, 1963. i did a giant protest in DC in '04 (the march for women's lives), and that was amazing enough. imagine being a part of something where there were real, fundamental human rights issues at stake...

4.  What is your favorite curse word?

ahahahaha. it's so great. my favorite swear word is "motherfucker." oh, it's so much fun to say. it feels like a load off just saying it. i am fond of just about every swear word there is, though. i have a filthy, filthy mouth.

5.  What is your main fault?

without question, i overanalyze everything. but all of y'all already know that. you read it here. i am worse in my personal life. i would also offer that law school has made me really addicted to order, which doesn't help the overanalysis thing at all.

6.  What turns you on?

a good-looking, brilliant man who flatters me. i MUST have a smart man. i love to talk about high-level things, all the time, and i cannot abide a guy who can't keep up. a good conversation is deeply stimulating to me.

7.  What is your idea of misery?

heh. that one's easy. misery is knowing what you have to do, knowing how much it's going to hurt, and not having the nerve to pull the trigger. you may as well run your soul over a cheese grater.

8.  What do you wish you knew more about?

i wish i knew more about using technology. my interest is deep; my knowledge base is SHALLOW. i'd like to be able to do a lot more with computers, web stuff, etc. than i can. 

whew. fun! ok, so now i have to spread the love. here's my group of tagged bloggers:

1. live. love. learn. breathe.

2. the daily dose of reality

3. the foggy dew

4. momma's pixie dreams

5. are you there, youth? it's me, nikki.

6. handbags and handguns

7. harriet and friends

8. to be determined

enjoy, folks! :)

midpoint

today is july 2. this is the exact, unequivocal middle of the common (non-leap) year. 182 days behind us, 182 days in front of us. this is halftime, kids.

and it is also my birthday.

a lot of other people share this day with me: rene lacoste (the tennis/polo shirt guy), thurgood marshall and medgar evers (civil rights heroes), dave thomas of wendy's, john sununu, larry david, jose canseco, lindsay lohan and johnny weir, among others. it's quite a day. hell, when i was a kid, i used to think of the whole 4th of july thing as a nice big protracted celebration of me and my life. i was truly disappointed when i was told that the fireworks were not for me. (yeah, i'm an only child.) regardless, there's always a party, people are generally in a good mood, and hilarity almost always ensues.

i come to this birthday - 29, the start of my thirtieth year of life - at a weird, unsettled place. i'm in the middle of the biggest ordeal of my professional life in studying for the bar. i'm in the middle of the end of something i expected to have forever. i'm in the middle of, for the first time since i was a teenager, really having to look myself in the eye and say, "okay. now what?" i'm in the middle of, well, the middle. it's mushy, it's unclear, and there's no clear path to a solution anytime soon on a lot of this. all i can do is keep up the slog.

there will be birthdays when things aren't so crazy. it's up to me to rise above the middle-ness of it all and reclaim my day. i stand alone in this moment and say, "yes, it's going to be OK. it's all going to be OK. so let's have a drink and celebrate." that, my friends, is the best gift i give myself this year.

soul food

tonight was a big damn deal for me. i mean HUGE. i did something i never, ever do: i went out socially ALONE, to a bar, just to talk to people. i have been described as someone who likes to be around people, to the point where i was told (disdainfully) that, "you're... SOCIAL." but i usually need at least one other person with me as backup to truly shine. i mean, in my old life, when i was sent out into the world to network, i would totally shut down without someone from the office there with me as support.

well, given what i'm in the process of doing to my emotional and social life, that's just not gonna fly. i can't rely on others to charge my batteries; if i want to go and do, i can't sit around and wait for partners in crime. so tonight i put the books down, dolled myself up and swaggered on into a downtown watering hole 100% solo. and you know something? i did not die. no one hurt me, i was not laughed at. in fact, i started conversations with total strangers that led to actual connections. it was fun. and moreover, i was myself without any kind of spurring or crutches. i didn't need someone standing there with me to validate my presence. i did it. and it felt really, really good.

and by god, that counts for a lot. i can do this. i will do this. i got the deeply vital social interaction that i need, and i got it without help. damn. moving forward may not be so hard after all.

the end.

man, there's really nothing like being a grown-up for just total buzzkill sometimes. i mean, not having to deal with parents, being able to drink legally, all that stuff? totally fabulous. but then there's... well, there's the fact that you have to think about end-of-life issues. not just for yourself, either, but for everyone around you. death stops being this nebulous reality without a real meaning and starts becoming another thing to PLAN FOR. i swear, if anyone was ever going to take leave of any rational sense and allow me to mentor the young, that's how i would describe adulthood: a never-ending parade of events for which you must plan, up to and including the big sleep itself. so that's how, tonight, i found myself going over end-of-life plans with someone very close to me. wow, that's a conversation you don't anticipate when you're running around the playground with someone. but it is what it is.

part of me is honored; how could you not be, when someone trusts you to be the one to handle things for them when the end comes? but it's just so... i mean, we were just teenagers not that long ago. we were driving around the wilds of the gulf south in late-model import cars, talking trash and acting silly. on summer nights like this, we were most likely on our way home from some late-night road trip to the beach, not getting ready for work and class. but that's where we are. i'm thrilled beyond belief to still have these people i've loved so much for so long in my life... and i guess that's the opposite side of that coin. having people in your life who you plan to keep there forever means that you inevitably learn that every "forever" has an endpoint.

cherish it all. that's the takeaway, i guess. there's a period at the end of every sentence.

debacle

it's a natural byproduct of the aging process to find things easier to do as you practice them. as i practice memorizing the elements of crimes, torts, and various other minutiae, i naturally find this easier. this applies to not only intellectual pursuits, but practical life things as well. i mean, it now takes me about 10 minutes to do my tax return, but i've been filing taxes for over 10 years now. making a car rental reservation, getting utilities hooked up, registering for classes - you name it, i can do it. i've got this adulthood thing all nailed down.

so it's kinda shocking to me when i look around at grown people and they just. can't. do it. i've been up to my eyebrows in people who are chronologically adult, but who simply can't handle the basic tasks of adult life, WAY too much for my own personal sanity these days. it really makes me wonder how the black hell these folks got this far in life without knowing how to do things. i shouldn't get phone calls from people twice my age asking how to handle basic machinations that are just a part of adult life. somehow, some way, something should've stuck with them, and it didn't. that scares me.

so here's to all the people in my life who made sure that when i left the nest, i had the toolbox i needed to, if not do things i needed to do right away, at least know how to find out what to do. thanks to y'all, i've been spared the rather sad and pathetic fate of being grown and having everything be a nightmare. i can get through arduous and annoying tasks without my walls crashing down. not everyone can do this. i am reminded of that far too often for my taste. and i am grateful as hell that i will never be that person.