love song

it's the number one topic on everyone's mind today, and everyone's got something very specific to say about it: love. l-o-v-e, l-u-v, etc., etc., etc. hearts and flowers, cheesy commercials, all that jazz. it's a hallmark holiday; people love it, people hate it. i'm not going to parse the ethics, the mechanics or the value of valentine's day. i hate crass commercialism, and this is certainly a screeching example of that, but it's also kind of anodyne. we grew up with parties in school with pink-iced cookies and stupid little cards. somehow, that got twisted into hundreds of dollars and all this PRESSURE. i won't go there.

what i will do is this. i take this time to reclaim the idea of a day to spread love around. so i love y'all. i love my family, my friends, all the people who are important to me. that's the kind of love that everyone can celebrate, single or attached. i care like hell about you people, because you take the time to care about me. it's a fabulous thing.

and seeing as i am fortunate enough to be attached this valentine's day, i'm going to spend a little time talking to the man. (indulge me. if you're not into romance, i won't be insulted if you move on.)

dear love: here we are, our first valentine's day as boyfriend-and-girlfriend. i had almost given up hope that we'd ever get here together. but you and i pledged ourselves to each other, heart and soul as well as body. lord knows we're far from traditional, but that's what i love about us. you've always known my heart better than anyone else. always. you give me everything you have, tending to me in every way possible. your strength as a partner is how you combine caring for me exclusively with granting me the space to be who i am. so thank you for everything. i've always loved you so much. however far away, i will always love you. forever and ever, amen.

happy valentine's day, y'all. :)

delightfully tacky, yet unrefined

dateline: tangipahoa parish, louisiana

oh, my lord, have i missed my friends. we spent last night and into this morning traversing the wilds of this parish, catching up on adventures old and new. we finished our evening in a "nite club" (no, really - that's what the sign said), indulging in vices of various stripes and enjoying a little well-earned release.

i love nights like that one - laughing all night, sending drunken (yet immaculately spelled) emails to people who aren't here, and remembering that i'm free. yeah, that's right; free. if i want to dance to "stand up and get crunk" in a tacky bar all night long, drink in hand, politely fending off the advances of the 18-year-old boy at the end of the bar (18! aagh!), i can. and i will.

this is what vacation is all about. great start to a recharge, eh?

thanks

on this day of thanks, i want to call some people out for being amazing.

1) my parents. they rock, and i love them.

2) the man. thank you, love, for EVERYTHING. i love you more than words can say.

3) my friends, non-blog and blog. a few in particular:
a) the high-school crew, those who knew me when it mattered. (love you all, boys and girls.)
b) the law-school crew - i miss y'all more than i could ever imagine.
c) my blog friends. y'all have sustained me through it all. thank you, thank you, thank you.

take a minute to love your nearest and dearest today. give thanks. it's worth your time.

tenacious d

i have been known in my life as a fairly fierce defender of those i love. it goes deep with me. when i was four years old, i got into a fight - a physical altercation, no joke - with a kid in my class who made my best friend cry. i have always felt it necessary to go to war for the people who matter to me. it's one of the ways i show my love for people.

weirdly, the troubles of the last few days have only intensified this feeling in me. as people i know suffer from everything from annoyances to serious tragedies, it sharpens the anger all the more. being in a somewhat weakened emotional state to start with has converted me from (and GOD ALMIGHTY, how i hate that sarah palin popularized this phrase, because it's a really good one, and it fits here) a mama grizzly to a WOUNDED mama grizzly. and when i'm wounded, i lash out hard.

the strongest manifestation of this instinct these days is, weirdly enough, aimed at myself. i see the strain i'm placing on my boyfriend with my... episode the other night and its attendant fallout. the boy loves me so much (you are the most important person on the planet to me), and he is so damn scared of this. i've never, in all our years together, seen him so scared. i hate to see him hurt, even as i hurt myself. so it's this really awesome negative feedback loop: i hurt; he's scared; i get upset that he's upset. lather, rinse, repeat. it's a multiplier on the stress.

i know this is crazy. there's no other word for it. and at the end of the day, my fealty to myself trumps my need to keep my loved ones safe here. looking out for #1 is my main job. in a backward sort of way, though, the need i have to defend my loved ones may just be the extra kick in the ass i need to shake the cobwebs off and get over this. not only do i owe it to myself - and it is CRYSTAL clear that i do - but i owe it to the man who loves me more than life, too. and if that's the inspiration to get through the fog, well, so be it. defending others leads me to defend myself, it seems.

shattered dreams

i've had a whole lot of fortune slung my way over the past few months. i really appreciate the hell out of what i've been given. not to be too cheesy or sappy, but a lot of my dreams really have come true. it's a damn nice feeling.

which makes it all the harder to know what to say when someone i care about has a dream deferred. it's rough to watch someone struggle to stay even-keeled when something he's worked so hard to get didn't come through for him. we suffered through the preparation together, commiserating, trusting in one another's ability to make this happen for ourselves. i got it. he didn't.

it's a gut punch, especially when i think about his level of qualification compared to mine. he's so much more ready to do what he wants than i am. but here i sit with the credential, and he doesn't have it. there's a lot of time for him to get what he needs; this is a temporary setback. but in the moment, it's just brutal to watch, to contemplate. and the worst part is that i don't think there's anything i can say or do to make him feel any better. so i get to sit by and watch while he goes through this process. my heart hurts for him, but there's nothing i can offer.

all i can do is silently support him, standing by while he picks up the shards of the dreams that have broken and starts the process of rebuilding them. whenever he wants a friend, i'm there. that's all i can do, and by god, i'll offer it.