well. that happened.

so a follow-up from yesterday. not to scare anybody, but as it happens, i was due for a freak-out, and it came with a vengeance after i left y'all. i'm OK, first off. nothing life- or limb-threatening happened. but it was a long, dark night.

some things i'd like to say:
1) there is a long string of counseling appointments in my future, starting tomorrow. (i've already been to speak to the nice folks at the counseling office here at school, before you ask.)

2) i am officially off alcohol for the rest of the semester. that's something i just do NOT need. it does not help anything. and for a red-wine lover like myself, this is a big damn deal.

3) to the man, if he reads this (and i don't think he does, but it's worth saying): thank you, love. things will be under control. i will handle this.

strangely, though there's a lot of work yet to do, i feel a lot less... pent-up, i guess, after last night. the dam burst, and though it's messy and there's a lot of cleaning up that'll follow this, the pressure i was feeling, building up inside me, has eased. i may be a little more all over the place than usual, a lot less linear, but at least it's all coming out. and that's a good thing. that's a very good thing.

one step at a time. and this too shall pass. i feel it now more than ever.

blow up the outside world

slash and fucking burn. knock the bastard down. raze it, destroy it, get it out of my sight. i want to kill everything in my past, throw it all away, as far away as i can, and rise like a phoenix out of those ashes into the life i always imagined for myself.

it's not even collateral damage anymore; that's a nice image i came up with to delude myself that what i want is something nicer than complete destruction. i want the nuclear option. i want everything thrown into chaos and decimated. this will be a slaughter, wholesale, bloody, merciless. and the sooner i admit that it's exactly what i want, the sooner i can move forward with what i want.

the path i've taken to this moment was cruel, savage and thoughtless. i have made decisions that served only my selfish nature, and it'll take a lot to undo the mode of thinking that got me here. it's been petulant, bratty even. i'm entitled, i thought. i've earned this. well, maybe i did, but the choice isn't made in a vacuum. there are side effects to everyone involved.

the end result of all of this explosive pain will be a rebirth, to be sure. i will have my new future, and it will be wonderful. but i'd better learn to live with the reality that i'm not quite as nice, as pure, as innocent as i like to think i am. i'm not blameless. i'm shiva the destroyer, at least as far as all this is concerned. i wield the sword that hacks my old life to pieces. i will emerge covered in the blood and gore of the death of that existence. the cleansing will come. but the scars will never, ever fade. the sooner i understand that, the better.

my broken hockey heart [TRUE STORY]

GAAAAAAAAH.

i must've used all my sports magic up with the saints this year. sigh. my beloved capitals. done. just awful. we're now a laughingstock. ovechkin's just a thuggish hack, apparently, compared to angelic north-american saint sidney. this is worse than the 2004 ALCS. hell, at least the yankees GOT to the ALCS that year.

but hey, the nationals are 12-10. yay.