sweetheart

this weekend has been painful and enervating in so many ways. i look like i've been beaten with a tire iron. i'm bruised, sprained, sore and achy. but believe it or not, my heart is as full as it can be. these things all began, as many bad things do, with dollar miller lites and a shot of tequila. with that ever-so-appealing mixture coursing through my body, i went home with my favorite obsession and apparently ravished the hell out of him before... well. we don't need to get into what happened next. anyone who's ever been to college, or seen a movie about college, knows that.

as i lay on the bathroom floor, cursing miller brewing company and jose cuervo, i felt a rolled-up towel being slid gently under my head. a cup of water appeared next to me. my feet moved a little bit, and he sat down on the floor next to me. for the next hour, he talked to me, held my hair back, stroked my back and generally made sure i was alive. when i was hit with a particularly violent reaction, he picked me up and held me. through my misery, i felt his hand rub my back, soothing me through it. when i laid back down, he said, gently and with concern, "oh, sweetheart."

if you read my work, you can see imprints of this man woven through nearly everything i write. he and i have pushed, pulled, confused and delighted one another for so long now. we've been friends, lovers, adversaries and allies through it all. but when he called me sweetheart, he changed the game. this has been a long time coming, but it's here. we're in a different sort of relationship now. there's still no name for what we are, and i don't think there ever will be. but that's okay; we are people who are well used to existing outside the mores and conceptions of society. but now, there's a name for me, and that's all i've ever wanted.

sweetheart.

clarity

i am often accused of being somewhat overconfident. not surprising; i am an egotistical only child. the world may not revolve around me, but by god, it should. this sense of sureness in the moment can sometimes lead me to make some insane choices. the phrase "it seemed like a good idea at the time" may very well be my epitaph.

there have been times in this slog through emotional purgatory that i've felt that the choice to break free and start anew was one of those good ideas at the time, that i'd eventually come to regret it and want nothing more to be back in that comfortable, sweet place i used to have. it is with great pleasure that i can announce that, for once in my life, i have 100% made the right decision.

i've had a lot of opportunity this week to throw in the towel, open my arms back up and say, let's forget all this and try one more time. that idea has, for lack of a better term, been forced down my throat. it's been all i could do to maintain my composure - and it's been a serious challenge - but there hasn't been a single moment when i've been tempted. in fact, this has been a forge, tempering my resolve into the strongest steel possible. i have never been more correct in my assessment of something than i have with this. i am on the right path. as soon as the mandatory clock runs, i will be a free bitch, baby. and it will be exactly correct. the way forward has never, ever been this clear.