big-girl job

it's time for this little blogger to get serious about getting hired after graduation. i am alternately brimming with bravado-tinged confidence and trembling with crushing insecurity, sometimes second by second, throughout this process. i've seen my resume; i look impressive as HELL on paper. i've got good grades, relevant coursework, and two solid pages of educational and professional experience. (i don't care what they say about a one-page resume; i've been in college or working since 1998, and there's just no way in hell that's all going on one sheet of paper.) i am a rock star.

but how do i go about convincing the people with the jobs that i am? once i get in front of them, it'll all be OK for sure. but it's damn difficult getting in front of them. when i was a little kid, before i went to law school and got grown, i got literally every job i had except one (which was AWFUL) through some kind of connection. someone i knew worked there, that sort of thing. but in this economy, those leads are damn hard to come by.

so out i go, into the breach. head high, resume out, smile and sell it. i know things will be okay, that i'll get something, that it'll work itself out. i have a fair amount of time to make it happen. but until i have that offer in hand, set and ready to go, it's going to be a long, terrifying winter. few things scare me more than being broke, and that fear can shut me down completely if i don't watch myself. so i'm throwing on my helmet, papering the known universe with my sexy-as-hell resume (and resisting the urge to describe it as such in professional situations), and invoking every ounce of good vibes the universe has to offer.

now, to paraphrase rex ryan, let's go get a goddamned job.

#reverb10: make

[as tumblr has decided to remain, in the subtle terminology of my boyfriend, fucked, my reverb post is here again. back to normal programming in both locales when tumblr, quoting the boyfriend again, unfucks itself.]

"what was the last thing you made? what materials did you use? is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?"

i am no one's conception of a handywoman. i'd be the one who ends up with pictures all over the internet of the spectacularly improbable injury i'd somehow give myself, entertaining millions with my natural grace and giftedness. but surprisingly, i do have a couple of areas of handicraft in which i specialize. we've all been entertained with the ongoing saga of magnolia v. sewing machine for halloween. and while that was shockingly successful, that's not one of my strengths.

i do two things quite well when it comes to tangible works: i make food, and i cross-stitch. i've also regaled you with tales of marathon cooking spates on football sundays, embarking on culinary adventures to the dulcet tones of the greatest football broadcaster ever, scott hanson on NFL red zone. (i totally have a non-sexual crush on this guy. he's AMAZING.) but as for my needlework, well, that's a side of me you may not have seen coming.

when i was in seventh grade at a nondescript middle school in my gulf-coast hometown, we had what could charitably be called a dearth of electives available for us. there was a dearth of a lot of education in that place, though by god, they tried. there was a real "hey, kids, let's put on a middle school!" vibe around there. i started the year in a computer class with 25 students and ONE apple IIe. i was in seventh grade in 1992-93, at which point the IIe was nearly a decade old. clearly, this was not going to work. my only other option, however, was home arts. seriously? well, at least we get to cook, was my thought process. i like cookies, and this class did not disappoint.

our midterm project was a cross-stitched christmas ornament. she gave us a really simple pattern of a tree, and all we had to do was the actual cross-stitching. she did the back-stitch and knot stitches to finish. it took us two weeks, and i was stunned to find the process of preparing the thread, stretching the aida cloth and taking needle to canvas extremely... soothing, really. of all things, a lifelong hobby was launched at that moment. (i got an A- on the project; one of my rows was a little off. i also got a B on my final for that class; we sewed tote bags on sewing machines, and my seams weren't straight.)

so to this day, i tend to save time here and there for large-scale cross-stitch projects. i'm currently waiting for the end of the semester, so that i can finally, finally finish the huge one i started around this time last year. christmas break is a good time to sit on the couch, watch movies or sports, and stab a needle into cloth. not only do you get this really cool-looking piece of art when you're done, but there's a nice amount of stress relief in taking a sharp implement and plunging it into something over and over again. many cases of malicious wounding have been avoided by me using visualization techniques to transfer the urge to stab real people into stabbing cloth.

as everyone would, i'd love more time to sit and stitch for hours on end when i am so inclined. but that's not the kind of life i've chosen for myself. but that's what makes my favorite old-school hobby so much of a treat when i get to do it: it's a rare pleasure. and when i finish a piece, look at it and see all the work that went into it, i am proud as hell. no doubt about it. hell, yes. i made that. it's so, so damned satisfying. that's why making things is still something humans like to do, i guess; any source of validation in a tough, sometimes-crushing world is welcome, but when it's self-validation, it's about a hundred times better. and who couldn't use more of that?

a rich, full day

so here it is. thirty days, thirty posts. (i am so counting the double post the other day to get me over the hump. i wrote it; it's valid.) and what a day to finish, too.

i write you today basking in the glow of my first successful court case as a practicing attorney. who cares that it was only getting my client out of traffic tickets? i WON. and it was a beautiful, amazing feeling to call up the client and say, "congratulations! you won!" that made him so happy, and it was something i could help him get. that's what being a lawyer should be. (i write this as i sit in my private wealth planning seminar, where we're talking about how to legally shelter millions of dollars in the uber-rich's cash and property from as much tax as possible. yeah, there's a lot that's not so nice about the law.)

the peak-and-valley cycle has hit a peak. i'm so happy. i'm tired as hell, because i had to wake up at the crack of dawn to drive to the pastoral wonderland in which my client got his ticket, but i'm so freaking pleased. i know i've made the right choice in my career. things will be... okay. it'll take awhile, but it'll be okay. let's do some blessing-counting (yeah, yeah, an atheist counting blessings - it's weird).

1) i'm alive, in basically decent health.
2) i can feed myself (with some financial help - not great, but okay).
3) i have an amazing family that rallies around me and admires me.
4) my boyfriend is... well, he defies categorization, really. he's perfect for me.
5) my friends, far and wide, real-life and digital, ROCK.
6) i have a good career plan, with possibilities to get great soon.

see? it's all... if not good, then heading there soon. days like this encourage me, give me faith, and keep me going. not to mention the fact that i am going to sleep the sleep of the just when i get home tonight. it's a damn good day, full of damn good things. sometimes, it's just that simple.
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woo-hoo, and this is post #200 to boot! fun. thanks again for hanging out with me in my little corner of the internet. i love my readers dearly; y'all are FABULOUS. :)

fidelity

i did it - i'm sworn in. i'm allowed to go to court and represent people now. that's a pretty damn exciting achievement, not gonna lie. the ceremony was 99.999% made up of people reading off names - there were upwards of a thousand little baby lawyers birthed here today - but the rest of it focused on responsibility, duty, etc. we all took an oath of fidelity to the constitution and to the commonwealth.

fidelity. now there's a concept with which i've danced pretty much constantly for the last two years or so. it seems that the only way i could maintain fidelity to myself was to shatter it as far as certain others are concerned. and there's a tragedy in that, to be sure. but there's also a sense of hope, of possibility. today was the first day of the rest of my career. it was also a nice reminder about what loyalty is, and what it should be.

the man was with me today. (thank the gods he was, too - i was so nervous this morning that i nearly committed a serious wardrobe faux pas that he caught.) the loyalty we have to each other is the calm stream through my core that sustains me. there was also the support of my parents, the love of my friends far and wide, blog and non-blog (thanks, y'all - love ya back!), and the confidence of the HUGE legal community i've joined to sustain me.

but conspicuous in its absence was the stalwart of my old life. i mean, it's not like i didn't think about him a little today. how the hell could i not? this day was going to be totally different. but the thought that crossed my mind when he surfaced was, hmm. he's not here. this feels... right, actually. i had the correct dramatis personae locked in for this play. and as we raised our glasses to each other over lunch today, the oath of fidelity took on its real, true meaning for probably the first time in a long, long time. i took a sip and thought to myself, i promise to be true to you. "you" meaning him, but also meaning me.

so help me god.

go get it

it's october already. holy hell. i have an exam in 11 days. (gaaaaah.) there's much to do in the next few weeks, and not all of it is academic. i mean, there will come a day when this professional student gig comes to an end and i begin to justify the mortgage i've taken out on my brain. so today i polished up the ol' resume, wrote some cover letters, jumped through some hoops and started applying to jobs.

i don't know if y'all are followers of current events, but you may have noticed we're in a teeny bit of an economic tailspin of totally biblical proportions. i have managed to time my graduation from all three of my post-high-school degree programs to coincide with just awful financial conditions. hell, i graduated from undergrad as part of the first post-9/11 class. 2010 was the year the legal industry as we knew it imploded, and while things seem more stable now, they've stabilized at a pretty bad level. used to be, and not that long ago at that, a law degree was a sure-bet ticket to a stable and comfortable life. there are too many of us out there with JDs now, and there are way, way too few jobs. it's pretty scary, especially when i think about the debt i've taken on to get my education.

damn it all, i went to law school because i like studying law. i liked being a summer law clerk, too. i like what i've observed of the practice. i truly believe in the goodness lawyers can do in this culture. (not a fan of lawyer jokes - just putting that out there.) i'm just getting a little nervous that the combination of a bad economy and a glut of people chasing paychecks will keep me from doing what i always wanted to do.

so here i go into the breach. i'm papering the universe with my resume: government gigs, judicial clerkships, etc., etc., etc. in 15 days, i'll know whether i passed the virginia bar exam. (unless someone calls the office to ask about results. sigh.) what i want is simple: i want my LL.M. i want to practice law. i want to earn a good living doing good work. and i will do EVERYTHING in my power to get it. i say this a lot, but i am on the verge of having every part of my life lined up and going well. it's time to go to work to make sure that stays true.

let's go get it.

gunner

i'm a veteran at this whole law-school thing. hell, i have a law degree and everything. you'd think that one more year of this would be painless and smooth. i mean, i'm in my element; i am studying my favorite subject matter, the one to which i am dedicating my professional life. i am at a world-class school, and i have every opportunity to be everything i want to be. but something's been just a little... off about this whole experience. we're four weeks in, and inside my program, i feel totally at ease and comfortable. tonight, it finally hit me exactly what the problem is in my new home.

it's that it's not really a "home." everyone's perfectly nice in the general population; no one's been outwardly cruel or horrible to me. but these kids are not interested in being a community. this is one of those schools where every person there, especially in the non-LL.M. crowd, is 100% out for himself or herself, and frankly, you're kind of in their way. this is such a misguided approach to law school, to the practice, and to life in general. good lord. i mean, it's not surprising, i guess. it's a whole school full of hardcore overachievers, people who have reached for the best all their lives. why stop now? it's gotten them everything they've ever wanted.

except it doesn't have to be that way. look, i'm a recovering overachiever myself. and i've spent a lot of time lamenting the time in my life when i settled. but there's a definite - and vitally important - difference between striving healthily for the best you can get and what these kids are doing. devoting yourself to the cold, ruthless pursuit of the next brass ring on your list, damn the torpedoes, is by far not the only way to get what you want. take it from me; above average effort nets you almost as much as bare-knuckles overwork, and it makes you a LOT happier.

so i look around at the overcompetitive, hyper-"friendly" gunner kids at my school with a combination of confusion and pity. it makes me sad for them, but it makes me feel that much better about my strategy for life. i may not be the valedictorian of my class. but i'll give this program my best. that means my best in academics, in culture, and in the bare recognition that i'm not the only person on the planet, in the city, in the school or in the hall. we all earned our way here. why not be friends?

the hard part...?

i should've been asleep an hour ago; i'm going to be hating life when that cab shows up in less than six hours. but here i sit, feeling drained, yet strangely serene. the hard work of tearing down the last twelve years has begun in earnest. y'know, all the stuff i've spent the life of this blog (and the eighteen months before that, to be honest) preparing myself to do. you'd think i'd be a wreck at this point.

nope. to be frank, there's a feeling much like how an overstuffed sandbag must feel when it finally springs a slow leak. the pressure is gently easing. the negativity is draining out of every pore. honestly, this is easier than i thought it would be. but then, how many times has this pendulum swung?

"oh, this is going to be simple."
"wait, no; it's going to be hell."
"oh, hold on - there's hope yet."
"there will be no hope, just blackness."

it's quite a bit bipolar, isn't it? but that seems to be the nature of the beast. and weirdly, it's ok. actually making the request was nowhere near as hard as i thought it would be. i mean, we'll see what happens with the aftermath. but in this moment, i can rest a little bit easy. and really, though there's a lot of work ahead of me, that's all i need.

validation

sometimes, the universe comes through for you in ways you just never saw coming. today was the bar review "mid-term," so to speak - a SEVEN-HOUR mock-up of the second day of the virginia bar exam. yuck, yuck, yuck. i slogged through it, knowing i am not close to where i want to be in a couple of subjects, and came home just enervated as hell, not wanting to look at a law book. i wanted to drink wine and read a novel instead of attacking the books again.

then i checked the mail. i got my certificate of appreciation from my externship class from last semester at school, but there was something else in the envelope along with it. turns out that a huge project i did during that three months at the court has now become binding precedent - in other words, the law - in the circuit where i worked. let me tell you, there is NOTHING cooler to a law dork such as myself as knowing that words i drafted are going into the southern reporter, to be researched and potentially cited someday.

this is why i do what i do. this is exactly why i kill myself like this. i am going to be a lawyer. i love the law, i love working with it, and i love the results of what i do. so thank you, universe, for the supreme reminder of why i'm sitting here surrounded by notecards and outlines on this hot summer night. you've saved my drive, my motivation and my satisfaction with my chosen profession. i needed that.

aspirations

so i think it's time to take this little enterprise next level. what little enterprise? everything in my life. i have got to start striving a little harder, all the way around. i was always so freaking happy as a kid when i had goals, something to work towards. i mean, i was a wicked procrastinator, and a touch of an underachiever in a couple of areas (calculus, i'm looking at you). but work has always given me my grounding, made me happy, and helped me define who i am. well, except for that little patch of wandering in the wilderness there in the middle. between undergrad and law school, i just... coasted, i guess, is the best word for it. and that was MISERABLE. god, the more i look back on it, the more i realize that every day i just did whatever was bare-minimum necessary, with no aim other than a) earn paycheck and b) spend paycheck, i was killing the parts of me that made me who i am. not acceptable AT ALL.

so here i sit, having just logged about a 12-hour day reviewing for the bar exam (gaah, less than two months), and you'd think that would be misery. nope; i am pretty freaking satisfied, all things considered. i am on my way to building my life as it should've been built all along. i am through wasting time. i am trying, i am working, and i am achieving. work may sound like a weird way to define yourself; i know we're all supposed to be about our emotional connections, etc., etc., etc. "i don't let my job define me!" well, yeah, you don't let your employer define you. but you damn well better have something to define yourself with, and in my case, it's my legal life. i am going to be the best damn tax lawyer i can possibly be. i will define myself by my profession, my achievements and my resume. i'm done drifting. it's time to get back to what made me: being just remarkably good at what i do. arrogant? maybe. but i can back it up. let's do the damn thing, starting today.

postcard from the edge

oh, life. you have this nasty habit of intruding on all the fun i could be having. sigh.

anyway, sorry for the radio silence. it's the tail end of my last semester in law school, and there are these annoying tests they make me take. it's like we're all still pretending that i care. cute, eh? i finished one today, but i have two more before i can officially close the book on this joint and move forward to the next adventure. and don't worry. once i come though all of this, there'll be some really fun stories to tell. be patient with me - just a few more days...

like a laser

spring studying is just the worst. but this spring, more than any other since i graduated from high school (way longer ago than i care to contemplate), i cannot lock it down and get the tunnel vision i need to plow through. i mean, damn - the whole sorry operation is over in TEN DAYS. i'm one week from my first exam. and yet, i sit here blogging, which, while fun, is not studying. sigh. i know that this stuff matters, but it is SO FREAKING HARD to stay in the moment.

this is a theme in my life. i'm always either projecting forward or gazing back longingly. this time, it's really bad - in such a short amount of time, i get to go home. i basically live for that moment. but i have three more hurdles to clear before i can kiss this all goodbye, and i know this. so it's time to redouble my effort something fierce, and it's time to get in my head how important the next ten days are. these three exams are the keys to my escape. buckle down. one foot in front of the other. let's go get it. my way out relies on this...

seven days

i've finished seven days of "yoga month 2010: the en-sleek-ening." i'm really not sure what i think at this point. the classes themselves are great. the results? eh, mixed at best. i'm feeling a little stronger, and the poses are coming more easily, but i'm not sure it's translating to quantifiable weight loss (or qualitative toning/shaping/etc.). that's frustrating as hell, given all the work i've put in. but there are 23 more days to go, including today; there's time yet to improve.

physical improvement programs have always caused me angst and grief. first of all, it's annoying to be a girl-type person and lose weight. boys lose weight at a rate that's startling to me. my favorite sports blogger lost 50 pounds in 3 1/2 MONTHS. that is SO not fair. it took me damn near a year to lose the same amount of weight, doing largely the same sort of thing. grrr.

but biological gender difference aside, sigh, i think there's an inherent expectation among the high-achieving in the world that everything should come easily. i am SO guilty of this. i expect to be able to master anything i try quickly, largely because that's always been the way things have worked for me intellectually. (god, that sounds arrogant. but it's the truth.) but as much as i've achieved with my mind, i have struggled with sports, exercise regimens, etc. that kills me.

so this challenge is not only physical, it's attitude-related as well. i need to push to show myself that results can happen if i try hard enough. hell, i got into my dream grad program. i can sure as hell stick to an exercise regime. and i might even get something out of it as well. i hope, anyway.

crunch time

and so it begins. after nearly three years of struggle, tumult, crisis and triumph, law school is just about over. today, my head goes down and i start the work of exam prep. i also start a thirty-day yoga regimen; one class every single day, without fail. it's funny to think this way on the christian easter sunday. everyone else ends their period of work and reflection today with a celebration, an indulgence, and a rebirth. i, however, go underground for this time every year. this year, i really want to dazzle everyone with the results of the next month. i've got a LOT riding on the outcome. i've got so much to look forward to, and i really need to make sure i'm in the proper frame of mind (and in the right physical shape) to embrace the future properly. the goal of exam time, which is actually really nice, is to tamp down all the stress and drama of my emotional life to live exclusively in the intellectual realm for awhile. i think that's why i like exam period so much. either that, or i'm insane.

so hopefully it doesn't get too boring around here over the next month. i'll do my best to make outlining and down-dog sound fun. :)