and now, gazpacho

so it's pretty clear by now that i am a woman of passions. i don't do it halfway, ever, no matter what it is, even when it's not a good idea. as samuel l. jackson once said in the criminally underrated 187, "if you're going to be stupid, don't be half-ass stupid, be all the way stupid!" i don't half-ass anything.

so tonight, i did something i dig. i cooked a real honest-to-god meal, 100% from scratch. i made the biggest bowl of gazpacho you have ever seen in your life. and if i do say so myself, it was quite delicious. i'll be enjoying this stuff for a week or more. (hint: if you make it for yourself, cut the salt in half, leave out the kalamatas, and use white balsamic vinegar instead of red wine vinegar. i love me some ina garten, but too. much. salt.)

so no drama, no angst, no revelations or great truths. just tomatoes, onions, cucumbers and peppers. happy summer, y'all!

soul food

tonight was a big damn deal for me. i mean HUGE. i did something i never, ever do: i went out socially ALONE, to a bar, just to talk to people. i have been described as someone who likes to be around people, to the point where i was told (disdainfully) that, "you're... SOCIAL." but i usually need at least one other person with me as backup to truly shine. i mean, in my old life, when i was sent out into the world to network, i would totally shut down without someone from the office there with me as support.

well, given what i'm in the process of doing to my emotional and social life, that's just not gonna fly. i can't rely on others to charge my batteries; if i want to go and do, i can't sit around and wait for partners in crime. so tonight i put the books down, dolled myself up and swaggered on into a downtown watering hole 100% solo. and you know something? i did not die. no one hurt me, i was not laughed at. in fact, i started conversations with total strangers that led to actual connections. it was fun. and moreover, i was myself without any kind of spurring or crutches. i didn't need someone standing there with me to validate my presence. i did it. and it felt really, really good.

and by god, that counts for a lot. i can do this. i will do this. i got the deeply vital social interaction that i need, and i got it without help. damn. moving forward may not be so hard after all.

debacle

it's a natural byproduct of the aging process to find things easier to do as you practice them. as i practice memorizing the elements of crimes, torts, and various other minutiae, i naturally find this easier. this applies to not only intellectual pursuits, but practical life things as well. i mean, it now takes me about 10 minutes to do my tax return, but i've been filing taxes for over 10 years now. making a car rental reservation, getting utilities hooked up, registering for classes - you name it, i can do it. i've got this adulthood thing all nailed down.

so it's kinda shocking to me when i look around at grown people and they just. can't. do it. i've been up to my eyebrows in people who are chronologically adult, but who simply can't handle the basic tasks of adult life, WAY too much for my own personal sanity these days. it really makes me wonder how the black hell these folks got this far in life without knowing how to do things. i shouldn't get phone calls from people twice my age asking how to handle basic machinations that are just a part of adult life. somehow, some way, something should've stuck with them, and it didn't. that scares me.

so here's to all the people in my life who made sure that when i left the nest, i had the toolbox i needed to, if not do things i needed to do right away, at least know how to find out what to do. thanks to y'all, i've been spared the rather sad and pathetic fate of being grown and having everything be a nightmare. i can get through arduous and annoying tasks without my walls crashing down. not everyone can do this. i am reminded of that far too often for my taste. and i am grateful as hell that i will never be that person.

like a laser

spring studying is just the worst. but this spring, more than any other since i graduated from high school (way longer ago than i care to contemplate), i cannot lock it down and get the tunnel vision i need to plow through. i mean, damn - the whole sorry operation is over in TEN DAYS. i'm one week from my first exam. and yet, i sit here blogging, which, while fun, is not studying. sigh. i know that this stuff matters, but it is SO FREAKING HARD to stay in the moment.

this is a theme in my life. i'm always either projecting forward or gazing back longingly. this time, it's really bad - in such a short amount of time, i get to go home. i basically live for that moment. but i have three more hurdles to clear before i can kiss this all goodbye, and i know this. so it's time to redouble my effort something fierce, and it's time to get in my head how important the next ten days are. these three exams are the keys to my escape. buckle down. one foot in front of the other. let's go get it. my way out relies on this...

crunch time

and so it begins. after nearly three years of struggle, tumult, crisis and triumph, law school is just about over. today, my head goes down and i start the work of exam prep. i also start a thirty-day yoga regimen; one class every single day, without fail. it's funny to think this way on the christian easter sunday. everyone else ends their period of work and reflection today with a celebration, an indulgence, and a rebirth. i, however, go underground for this time every year. this year, i really want to dazzle everyone with the results of the next month. i've got a LOT riding on the outcome. i've got so much to look forward to, and i really need to make sure i'm in the proper frame of mind (and in the right physical shape) to embrace the future properly. the goal of exam time, which is actually really nice, is to tamp down all the stress and drama of my emotional life to live exclusively in the intellectual realm for awhile. i think that's why i like exam period so much. either that, or i'm insane.

so hopefully it doesn't get too boring around here over the next month. i'll do my best to make outlining and down-dog sound fun. :)

singularly productive

it's funny how being alone instantly reintroduces me to my ambition to get things done. when the ball and chain is here, i don't do chores until the messiness or lack of clean clothes reaches critical mass. tonight, on the other hand, i have been a juggernaut of important household tasks. i used to get so much done when i was a kid and lived alone. i wrote, i drew, i did all manner of things that mattered to me. when i got into this relationship, though, it became all about spending big, empty chunks of quantity time with him. ugh. so retrograde of me.

getting so much done tonight makes me that much hungrier for the time when this is my life all the time. i cannot wait. it'll be so nice to get back to the way i used to be before all of this. the balance of things will be restored at last.