ma'am

of all the milestones to happen tonight. it's one i hadn't thought about until it happened, too, which is totally rare for me. usually i'm the one who remembers EVERYTHING. for example, "oh yeah, that was prom senior year. you went with so-and-so, and she wore that blue dress, and you jumped the curb leaving the restaurant..." meanwhile, the person to whom i'm telling this story, who double-dated with me, is staring at me like i'm speaking esperanto.

but tonight it's official: i've known the other boy for half my life. the mock-congress kids were at school tonight, using all our classrooms, running around and being teenagers. [shudder] they were sweet enough, and they reminded me of when the other boy and i were mock-congress kids. that's how we met, after all. but that was a decade and a half ago. the advisors at this event were younger than me. and every single kid i saw called me "ma'am."

oh, sweet lord. i like to think of myself as young. i still feel pretty young. but it's becoming increasingly apparent that while young may be a state of mind, it's an illusory state of mind. i am almost thirty. i am "ma'am." and the time i have to misspend on ridiculous things that drain me is limited, getting more limited every day. this whole other-boy thing just shows me that it's time, NOW, to go after what i want. the world has turned and left me here. best not waste another second.

[blush] [TRUE STORY]

well, how 'bout this; i got myself a blogging award!



thanks to 'bama on the brain for thinking of me. she really came through for me tonight; i needed a little validation. the rules of this award are simple - i have to tell you all a few things about me, then i pay it forward. done and done. in the spirit of the award, my caveat is suspended; the four things below are all 100% true, no fictional spin.

1. i feel it is every woman's duty to be at least somewhat technologically self-sufficient. it's 2010, and knowing how to run your wireless network is this generation's version of being a girl who knows a little about cars.

2. i need to feel necessary in order to be happy. i am in my element when people come to me for answers.

3. i love living in louisiana more than i let on.

4. my celebrity crushes: anthony bourdain, henry rollins, keith olbermann. opinionated men all.

now, for the pay-it-forward part. here are just a few of the blogs i think deserve some recognition:

are you there youth? it's me, nikki. hilarious perspective on the classic young-adult fiction of our generation. a must-read.

not that kind of girl. a fun, gutsy experiment: breaking out of patterns and doing things that defy your usual attitudes. how can you go wrong?

hannah, just breathe... trenchant analysis of life, all framed around a yoga practice. she always gives me something to think about.

hope y'all get a kick out of this award the same way i did!

parenthesis

there's always an element of danger when involved with multiple people at the same time. some of that came to a head last night when i went to a movie with the other boy and some of his friends. the movie in question was "up in the air," which will be up for best picture in mere hours from the publishing of this blog post. at any rate, i saw it a few months ago with the ball and chain and one of his townie friends. i really dug the basic point/thesis of the film, which was essentially that (in my mind anyway) the only certainty in this world is the certainty that you provide yourself. my personal theory of life validated in a major motion picture? who can argue with that?

yeah, so yesterday i saw "up in the air" with the other boy, and gaah, can i tell you how distressing that was? seriously. i never thought of the ramifications of this, but it dawned on me that i am essentially alex in that movie. i mean, i am the one seeking escape from the ball and chain with the other boy, who's the self-possessed man on the move. i sat between him and one of his friends watching that movie last night, and seriously, it was all i could do to keep from hyper-freaking-ventilating during those scenes.

a lot has dawned on me in the last 48 hours. i am a power-mad, selfish person who seeks nothing but comfort and escape from the ball and chain with the other boy. friday night, i laid in his bed, went down on him, and all i could think while i did it was, "yeah, that's right; i want you to get everything possible out of this, and i want you to know who did this for you." it was all about power over him. it occurred to me in flagrante delicto that the whole thing had ceased to be about him enjoying himself and ALL about me being the one who could bring him to his knees with sexual desire. i found myself thinking, "yeah. you know who's doing this for you. i own you right now."

does that make him a parenthesis? am i seriously that callous? do i use this boy, someone i've loved for so long as a good friend, as nothing more than a diversion? god, i don't know. all i know is the following: a) he's someone i care very deeply for; b) this is such a good diversion from my regular, torturous life; and c) there are few things in this life that bring me more simple happiness than his arms around me as the sun comes up and we both doze after a night together.

how evil does that make me? i don't know. i don't think i care. i just know one thing: i had better just be careful with the one who helps me get a break from my torturous life. he's way more than a parenthesis, an escape; this is someone who loves me in his way as much as i love him in my way. i just hope to god i can keep his feelings in mind as this evolves.