love song

it's the number one topic on everyone's mind today, and everyone's got something very specific to say about it: love. l-o-v-e, l-u-v, etc., etc., etc. hearts and flowers, cheesy commercials, all that jazz. it's a hallmark holiday; people love it, people hate it. i'm not going to parse the ethics, the mechanics or the value of valentine's day. i hate crass commercialism, and this is certainly a screeching example of that, but it's also kind of anodyne. we grew up with parties in school with pink-iced cookies and stupid little cards. somehow, that got twisted into hundreds of dollars and all this PRESSURE. i won't go there.

what i will do is this. i take this time to reclaim the idea of a day to spread love around. so i love y'all. i love my family, my friends, all the people who are important to me. that's the kind of love that everyone can celebrate, single or attached. i care like hell about you people, because you take the time to care about me. it's a fabulous thing.

and seeing as i am fortunate enough to be attached this valentine's day, i'm going to spend a little time talking to the man. (indulge me. if you're not into romance, i won't be insulted if you move on.)

dear love: here we are, our first valentine's day as boyfriend-and-girlfriend. i had almost given up hope that we'd ever get here together. but you and i pledged ourselves to each other, heart and soul as well as body. lord knows we're far from traditional, but that's what i love about us. you've always known my heart better than anyone else. always. you give me everything you have, tending to me in every way possible. your strength as a partner is how you combine caring for me exclusively with granting me the space to be who i am. so thank you for everything. i've always loved you so much. however far away, i will always love you. forever and ever, amen.

happy valentine's day, y'all. :)

big brother

oh, the sine wave that is my life has thrown me all around today. but as i get ready to fall asleep, i feel okay at last. i was up earlier in the morning; went to class, got some studying done, all is right with the world. but of course, as always happens on the weekends, the evening rolled around and it slowly started to dawn on me that i had no plans. i should be at a point in my life where a friday evening in isn't a problem, and yet i always get this sensation that i'm the least popular kid in high school when this happens.

enter my beloved big "brother." i am an only child, of course, and so is he. but this guy and i have grown up together, literally. as in, knew each other before puberty grown up together. through thick and thin, no matter what, he's always had my back. it's almost like he can sense that i've been on emotional tenterhooks for the better part of the month, and unbidden he came in and said, "hey, let's all go to dinner." excellent. it doesn't take much to get me settled down; all i need is some place to go and i feel human again.

the weirdness that was dinner was another story. it's almost ancillary; i'll get into it another time. we said goodbye to our other friend and big bro and i went to hang out at his apartment. slowly, surely, he worked out of me all the crap that's been clanging around in my head. and, not only did he listen, but he offered feedback. solutions. things to think about. strategies to consider. y'know, like any good friend would. not only that, but it was so personally tailored to me and how i operate that i instantly felt a weight lift off my shoulders.

that, my friends, is a "brother's" love. and i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

parenthesis

there's always an element of danger when involved with multiple people at the same time. some of that came to a head last night when i went to a movie with the other boy and some of his friends. the movie in question was "up in the air," which will be up for best picture in mere hours from the publishing of this blog post. at any rate, i saw it a few months ago with the ball and chain and one of his townie friends. i really dug the basic point/thesis of the film, which was essentially that (in my mind anyway) the only certainty in this world is the certainty that you provide yourself. my personal theory of life validated in a major motion picture? who can argue with that?

yeah, so yesterday i saw "up in the air" with the other boy, and gaah, can i tell you how distressing that was? seriously. i never thought of the ramifications of this, but it dawned on me that i am essentially alex in that movie. i mean, i am the one seeking escape from the ball and chain with the other boy, who's the self-possessed man on the move. i sat between him and one of his friends watching that movie last night, and seriously, it was all i could do to keep from hyper-freaking-ventilating during those scenes.

a lot has dawned on me in the last 48 hours. i am a power-mad, selfish person who seeks nothing but comfort and escape from the ball and chain with the other boy. friday night, i laid in his bed, went down on him, and all i could think while i did it was, "yeah, that's right; i want you to get everything possible out of this, and i want you to know who did this for you." it was all about power over him. it occurred to me in flagrante delicto that the whole thing had ceased to be about him enjoying himself and ALL about me being the one who could bring him to his knees with sexual desire. i found myself thinking, "yeah. you know who's doing this for you. i own you right now."

does that make him a parenthesis? am i seriously that callous? do i use this boy, someone i've loved for so long as a good friend, as nothing more than a diversion? god, i don't know. all i know is the following: a) he's someone i care very deeply for; b) this is such a good diversion from my regular, torturous life; and c) there are few things in this life that bring me more simple happiness than his arms around me as the sun comes up and we both doze after a night together.

how evil does that make me? i don't know. i don't think i care. i just know one thing: i had better just be careful with the one who helps me get a break from my torturous life. he's way more than a parenthesis, an escape; this is someone who loves me in his way as much as i love him in my way. i just hope to god i can keep his feelings in mind as this evolves.