drive

one benefit of this insane week has been that i've had a rental car at my disposal. as much as i love walking, metro trains and the urban lifestyle, there is precious little in my life that i enjoy more than getting behind the wheel of a car. i've had a license for 13 years; this is the second extended stretch of time over that entire period that's found me carless.

the first time, i was a freshman in undergrad, seventeen years old, and living in a teeny little mountain town in virginia. alone for the first time, i thought i had everything well in hand. but then the walls of the teeny little mountain town started to close in on me. my world, which had never really been that big (i mean, there's only so much you can see in small-city alabama in the mid- to late-1990s), suddenly shrank to about three miles square. and there was no. way. out. i was stuck. every little problem became massive, and with my adolescent coping skills being, well, stunted beyond all belief, i reacted about as well as you'd expect: i freaked out.

so here i sit again, on the other side of over a decade of life experience, carless. this time it's different; i'm old enough to attain several means of escape, and i have a tight web of close friends and family to support me should i freak out again. but tonight, i took to the roads of my city, cruising around with no real agenda. i let my mind wander far and wide (the results of this wandering, by the way, will be seen later on this week; i'm brewing up a nice writing project which will debut here in pieces in august), and it was simply heaven. i've always thought so well while driving. it's one of the few places in my life where i know i can think clearly and without interruption. i used to go on long drives with my cell turned off. there was a freedom in being completely unreachable.

behind the wheel, you are 100% free to do whatever you want. i realized driving back last night that, if i so desired, i could have gone anywhere i wanted. there was nothing holding me back. in my new life, i miss that feeling. it's one to be savored.

work

[your soundtrack]

"if you only once would let me, only just one time, then be happy with the consequence of whatever's gonna happen tonight..."
i think it was when your hand grazed my thigh that i knew what i was up against. i mean, it's not like this is something i didn't see coming. we've been down this road before. you have power, and you wield it well. you're a man among boys, just the way i like it. but there are a few small... concerns, i'll say, with all of this. no one's writing a romance novel or a taylor swift song about this one. if this goes down, it's going to be rough, it's going to be dark. there won't be blood, but it'll be close.

"don't think we're not serious. when's it ever not? the love we make is give and it's take; i'm game to play along..."
most people look at an opportunity like this as something recreational. we know better, you and i. sure, there's an element of fun about this. you'll have one hell of a time with me, honey, and you know it. but this isn't a game. there's potential to tear things that should never be torn, open up all manner of avenues that may not be good. you come with a list of complications a mile long. you've got secrets. some i know; others i'd never want to find out, i think. better this way. maybe we shouldn't get too close. it'll complicate things further. would the reward be worth the risk? that's your gamble, isn't it?

"i can't say i was never wrong, but some blame rests on you. work and play, they're never okay to mix the way we do..."
all my life, i've played games with this stuff, but never like this. i never got into the nuclear warhead theory of sex. it's not something i do. but this is a whole new level we find ourselves at, isn't it? you know, i could say you started this. loose lips don't just sink ships; they start conflagrations. ah, but it takes two to tango, to banter, to be wildly inappropriate in the most dangerous ways. i've never been as intrigued as i am with you. that's the part that gives me pause. i don't think i can stay in control of this, and i don't think you can either. we have the potential to create something so white-hot, so powerful, and so amazingly destructive that i don't think either one of us could ever harness that energy.

and yet, i just can't stop thinking about your hand on my thigh, your complete unwillingness to maintain the charade. you are reckless. you're crazy. and you've got my full and undivided attention. your move.

"can we take a ride? get out of this place while we still have time..."

respite

the weight of my life is heavy. i have many demands on my time and my sanity. much of this is self-inflicted: the academic life i've chosen comes with a lot of responsibility, and my personal life is certainly not something that was forced on me. but even though i do all of this of my own volition, the stress still builds until it's next to impossible to take.

that's why the warm early-spring sunshine that spread throughout the southeast friday afternoon made up my mind for me. yes, it was a beach-going weekend. so, with the ball and chain in tow, i got a weekend in my homeland to recharge, regroup and reconnect with a few people i care about. and man, was it amazing. forty-eight hours of cocktails, sunshine and socializing. it was exactly what i needed. yeah, i'm still enervated about a number of things, and yeah, my emotional health could be better. but there is almost nothing in my life that can't be cured by a day in the sun, drinking rum drinks and listening to the waves hit the shore. my decolletage is now an interesting shade of reddish-pink, my laundry is unfolded and my schoolwork is largely undone, but my soul is basically at ease for now. i'm now ready to face the world again.

i needed that.

unmitigated chaos

traveling is so much fun... except the act of getting where you're going. air travel in particular, as we've all gotten used to in the last 8 1/2 years, has just become the biggest bitch to deal with ever. and that's on a day when the sun is shining.

enter snow-pocalypse redux. i'm in the airport right now, hearing celine dion caterwauling "my heart will go on" (over the music playing on my ipod), waiting with bated breath to get on what is probably going to be the last flight into DC for a solid three days. see, i made the apparently terrible mistake of deciding to watch the super bowl with my nearest and dearest again this year. ha, ha. joke's on me. with a potential for 26 inches of snow this weekend, i've had to reschedule flights three times. in order to make this one, the last hope i have of getting there before the snow, i had to drive for six hours to get to an airport that's two states away. GAAH.

i've been awake for 22 hours and counting. i drove in that condition. when i land at the airport, i still have to take a commuter train, then the metro (subway, for those of you not familiar with DC), and then walk about half a mile before i get home to crash. then i have to figure out when/how to take the metro to my friends' place. all while dealing with 2" of snowfall per hour for around 13 hours. this could get ugly quick.

i hate snow. i really do. when i was a kid, snow was fun. then i went through a blizzard as a working adult, and now i never want to see that fluffy white scourge ever again. there's nothing amusing about this. this is a nightmare. all i wanted to do was see my friends. it shouldn't be this hard. sigh...