the end.

man, there's really nothing like being a grown-up for just total buzzkill sometimes. i mean, not having to deal with parents, being able to drink legally, all that stuff? totally fabulous. but then there's... well, there's the fact that you have to think about end-of-life issues. not just for yourself, either, but for everyone around you. death stops being this nebulous reality without a real meaning and starts becoming another thing to PLAN FOR. i swear, if anyone was ever going to take leave of any rational sense and allow me to mentor the young, that's how i would describe adulthood: a never-ending parade of events for which you must plan, up to and including the big sleep itself. so that's how, tonight, i found myself going over end-of-life plans with someone very close to me. wow, that's a conversation you don't anticipate when you're running around the playground with someone. but it is what it is.

part of me is honored; how could you not be, when someone trusts you to be the one to handle things for them when the end comes? but it's just so... i mean, we were just teenagers not that long ago. we were driving around the wilds of the gulf south in late-model import cars, talking trash and acting silly. on summer nights like this, we were most likely on our way home from some late-night road trip to the beach, not getting ready for work and class. but that's where we are. i'm thrilled beyond belief to still have these people i've loved so much for so long in my life... and i guess that's the opposite side of that coin. having people in your life who you plan to keep there forever means that you inevitably learn that every "forever" has an endpoint.

cherish it all. that's the takeaway, i guess. there's a period at the end of every sentence.

ma'am

of all the milestones to happen tonight. it's one i hadn't thought about until it happened, too, which is totally rare for me. usually i'm the one who remembers EVERYTHING. for example, "oh yeah, that was prom senior year. you went with so-and-so, and she wore that blue dress, and you jumped the curb leaving the restaurant..." meanwhile, the person to whom i'm telling this story, who double-dated with me, is staring at me like i'm speaking esperanto.

but tonight it's official: i've known the other boy for half my life. the mock-congress kids were at school tonight, using all our classrooms, running around and being teenagers. [shudder] they were sweet enough, and they reminded me of when the other boy and i were mock-congress kids. that's how we met, after all. but that was a decade and a half ago. the advisors at this event were younger than me. and every single kid i saw called me "ma'am."

oh, sweet lord. i like to think of myself as young. i still feel pretty young. but it's becoming increasingly apparent that while young may be a state of mind, it's an illusory state of mind. i am almost thirty. i am "ma'am." and the time i have to misspend on ridiculous things that drain me is limited, getting more limited every day. this whole other-boy thing just shows me that it's time, NOW, to go after what i want. the world has turned and left me here. best not waste another second.

i am entirely too old for this. [TRUE STORY]

part of the beauty of going to law school in the deep south is that this is FOOTBALL LOVING COUNTRY. the people, they love them some football here. the men all played football as boys, and even though they grow up, they never really lose the dream of hoisting the lombardi trophy. to that end, my law school hosts a full-pad tackle football game between law students. they sell tickets, raise money, and donate it to charity, but at the end of the day, this is all about reclaiming lost glory. for one day, at least, these guys get to remember what it was like to be big-shot football stars.

and what's a football game without cheerleaders? well, in the deep south, cheerleaders are integral to the process. you need the pretty girls to preen and fuss over the boys. it's part of the glory thing. and that's where i come in. there have been cheerleaders every single year i've been in school, but this year was... different... for me. for some reason, i decided that, at twenty-eight years old, there's no time like the present to cheerlead for the first time in my LIFE. yeah, crazy. but why not? have some laughs, do something silly for a good cause, and have a fun story to tell in interviews someday.

yeah, come to find out, that's not how we roll down here. this was serious freaking business. two-hour practices, $90 uniforms, and a pre-game dance led by a member of our faculty who cheered for our big-time division I football team when she was an undergraduate. i was in WAY over my head. but with a little liquid courage, i showed up on game day to do my best.

verdict? we were OK. the crowd dug us, though most likely for how ridiculous it is for law-school women to dance around like high-school girls. i didn't fall over. success. but as i lay here on my couch 11 hours later, with muscles and joints aching, a nasty cough from jumping and yelling in the freezing cold, and a big bruise on my side from the acres on acres of spandex "shapewear" employed to squeeze my ridiculous self into a cheerleading outfit, i'm starting to wonder what the all-holy hell i was thinking. just goes to show that every silly whim has consequences, i guess.

now, if you'll excuse me, i'm going to go take some drugs, lay down, and hope i'm recovered by the time i face my classmates come monday. sigh...