don draper

so yeah, i'm late to the mad men party. sue me; i was in law school and not watching television. but i've picked up the show, as the man loves it. it's vaguely fascinating, though far from my favorite show ever. but the one thing i've picked up from the show, besides SERIOUS clothing lust (oh, for the time when big-busted, curvy women ruled fashion - i had to be born into the skinny-jeans era), is that we seem to be living in the era of the double life.

i saw the ex this weekend. we had a mutual obligation at a social event that required us to play pretend like nothing was nothing. of course it did. he, quite frankly, sucks at this. and let me tell you, there is nothing harder to handle than watching your heartbroken ex watching people get married. tears and tragedy. so cocktail hour came around, and i found myself in the awkward position of being elegantly dressed and standing before a crying man.

so what did i do? i put on the ice-queen front. i modeled perfect behavior for how non-emotionally-wrecked people behave in public. and as we walked back to the party to face our friends (for the last time, in my case), i turned to him and said loudly, "hey, thanks for helping me look for that." yeah, that's right. a cover story. just like on the show, when the woman goes into the man's office (they all do it, so pick your favorite couple), shuts the door, has this deep, meaningful moment, then opens the door and says something like, "i'll get right on that. thank you for your attention."

the good news is that i don't have to do this very much longer. the strain is starting to show. it's hard to be natural in the old mask when the new life is so comfortable, so nice, so... me. don draper chafes in his identity because the lie is so large. i chafe in my old identity because the chains are so heavy. the time is so close, however, to when i can cast the old ways aside and be who i have always been meant to be. i can't wait.

parenthesis

there's always an element of danger when involved with multiple people at the same time. some of that came to a head last night when i went to a movie with the other boy and some of his friends. the movie in question was "up in the air," which will be up for best picture in mere hours from the publishing of this blog post. at any rate, i saw it a few months ago with the ball and chain and one of his townie friends. i really dug the basic point/thesis of the film, which was essentially that (in my mind anyway) the only certainty in this world is the certainty that you provide yourself. my personal theory of life validated in a major motion picture? who can argue with that?

yeah, so yesterday i saw "up in the air" with the other boy, and gaah, can i tell you how distressing that was? seriously. i never thought of the ramifications of this, but it dawned on me that i am essentially alex in that movie. i mean, i am the one seeking escape from the ball and chain with the other boy, who's the self-possessed man on the move. i sat between him and one of his friends watching that movie last night, and seriously, it was all i could do to keep from hyper-freaking-ventilating during those scenes.

a lot has dawned on me in the last 48 hours. i am a power-mad, selfish person who seeks nothing but comfort and escape from the ball and chain with the other boy. friday night, i laid in his bed, went down on him, and all i could think while i did it was, "yeah, that's right; i want you to get everything possible out of this, and i want you to know who did this for you." it was all about power over him. it occurred to me in flagrante delicto that the whole thing had ceased to be about him enjoying himself and ALL about me being the one who could bring him to his knees with sexual desire. i found myself thinking, "yeah. you know who's doing this for you. i own you right now."

does that make him a parenthesis? am i seriously that callous? do i use this boy, someone i've loved for so long as a good friend, as nothing more than a diversion? god, i don't know. all i know is the following: a) he's someone i care very deeply for; b) this is such a good diversion from my regular, torturous life; and c) there are few things in this life that bring me more simple happiness than his arms around me as the sun comes up and we both doze after a night together.

how evil does that make me? i don't know. i don't think i care. i just know one thing: i had better just be careful with the one who helps me get a break from my torturous life. he's way more than a parenthesis, an escape; this is someone who loves me in his way as much as i love him in my way. i just hope to god i can keep his feelings in mind as this evolves.