pretty mess

hi, everyone - welcome to 2011. i'm avoiding exclamations in an attempt to keep my "voice" down; if the rest of y'all are as bleached-feeling as we are tonight, you'll appreciate it.

oh, what a party. i find that there's no better way to send out a year like 2010 than to flash back to how i behaved as an 18-year-old undergraduate. read: wine. champagne. more wine. more champagne. dancing in a giant pack with a bunch of random girls i'd never met before. dancing with my "i do NOT dance" boyfriend, drunkenly belting out lyrics to songs i didn't even know he knew. taking scandalous pictures in which i at least look good.

and then, as all these things eventually do, things took a turn. indulgence becomes excess, and excess brings consequence. as a result, it's a saturday night in a major city, with fun events everywhere, and i am mainlining red gatorade like it's the water of life. we're in bed. i have his scrub pants on, for god's sake. we tried an outing to go see a basketball game; after a quick dinner out, it was apparent that this adventure could not continue. it was damned from the start.

but you know what? it was FABULOUS. all of it - my lack of sleep, making sure the man was still breathing; the joy that is blue-cheese dip that's been left out all night; realizing that the trash was full before the party started, etc., etc., etc. - was so worth it. we had fun. we enjoyed each other's company. we threw our hands up in the air sometimes, sang hey-o, let go, celebrated and lived our lives. and really, that's what it's all about.

now if you'll excuse me, i'm a little woozy, and the man needs more ginger ale. time to go back to bed. and would you hit that light? it's giving me a headache again. thanks.

toast

it's new year's eve, which means that it's time for the obligatory wrap-up of the beautiful dark twisted cocktail that was 2010. we took the good, we took the bad. i dare say we took them both. no facts of life here, though; just another year over.

but damn, what a year. ups, downs, strikes, gutters - i have never had a year in my life that had more upheaval. i ended a marriage; i began a career. i started a relationship; i ended a degree program. i left home; i came home. it's enough to make you dizzy.

and i can say without reservation that, despite the heart-rending pain and dizzying glee, in the cold objective light of morning, i've never grown more than i did in 2010. and i largely did that growth publicly, through this little ol' internet outpost. it's been a hell of a journey here on the blog, and it's been amazing meeting all of y'all out here in the world.

so in the words of kanye west, i think it's time for us to have a toast. let's raise our glasses to:

 - ourselves, for getting through it all, somehow;
 - those we love, both who are here and who are gone;
 - the future, for being better than the past;
 - lessons learned and things achieved.

cheers to all of y'all. have a safe and amazing night; let's meet up again in 2011...

[exhalation]

whew. that was an adventure and a half. so many people, so much activity, so much hustle and bustle. when we closed the door behind the last guest at 1:00 AM, i was so knackered i could barely keep my eyes open.

but we laughed, we ate, we played rock band with a pack of really sharp little kids (who NAILED "smells like teen spirit," despite having been born a solid decade after "nevermind" came out). it felt like one of those scenes from a movie where you look at the house from the outside and all you can see is light and laughing family through the windows.

i don't know why i was so apprehensive in the days leading up to this. as is my custom, i built it up to be way more high-stakes than it was. i put so much pressure on myself for things to not only be perfect, but to reflect back onto me. this was actually a good exercise in letting go, being out of control, and just... breathing. and it's funny; it felt so nice to just be a helper, then a guest.

there's a lesson here. breathe. smile. as the owner of my beloved washington capitals, ted leonsis, likes to say, "be positive - be happy - show gratitude." and enjoy the party.