go get it

it's october already. holy hell. i have an exam in 11 days. (gaaaaah.) there's much to do in the next few weeks, and not all of it is academic. i mean, there will come a day when this professional student gig comes to an end and i begin to justify the mortgage i've taken out on my brain. so today i polished up the ol' resume, wrote some cover letters, jumped through some hoops and started applying to jobs.

i don't know if y'all are followers of current events, but you may have noticed we're in a teeny bit of an economic tailspin of totally biblical proportions. i have managed to time my graduation from all three of my post-high-school degree programs to coincide with just awful financial conditions. hell, i graduated from undergrad as part of the first post-9/11 class. 2010 was the year the legal industry as we knew it imploded, and while things seem more stable now, they've stabilized at a pretty bad level. used to be, and not that long ago at that, a law degree was a sure-bet ticket to a stable and comfortable life. there are too many of us out there with JDs now, and there are way, way too few jobs. it's pretty scary, especially when i think about the debt i've taken on to get my education.

damn it all, i went to law school because i like studying law. i liked being a summer law clerk, too. i like what i've observed of the practice. i truly believe in the goodness lawyers can do in this culture. (not a fan of lawyer jokes - just putting that out there.) i'm just getting a little nervous that the combination of a bad economy and a glut of people chasing paychecks will keep me from doing what i always wanted to do.

so here i go into the breach. i'm papering the universe with my resume: government gigs, judicial clerkships, etc., etc., etc. in 15 days, i'll know whether i passed the virginia bar exam. (unless someone calls the office to ask about results. sigh.) what i want is simple: i want my LL.M. i want to practice law. i want to earn a good living doing good work. and i will do EVERYTHING in my power to get it. i say this a lot, but i am on the verge of having every part of my life lined up and going well. it's time to go to work to make sure that stays true.

let's go get it.

company

i think about the way things have gone over the last couple of years, and it's a weird feeling. i know i'm doing exactly what i need by spending time here by myself, figuring all this out and getting my head on straight. but lately, and especially in the last couple of weeks, the feeling i got wasn't anything like i expected. i was lonely. that much i knew about. but more than that, being by myself, even with people i love in close walking distance, compounded that loneliness to such a level that it was hard for me to bear. so i hid from it. i spent copious amounts of time hiding from my mind state with my friends, leaning hard on their (let's face it) charity to get out of my brain and into a "normal" head space. i have good people in my life. i appreciate the hell out of them. but i was starting to annoy myself with how clingy i was getting. i knew something had to give.

but then this weekend happened. i had a saul on the road to damascus moment about, well, a lot of things in my life. and another bit of perspective that i got is the realization that i really do need something to do, somewhere to go and someone to talk to at least once a day to get by. so i took charge of it. i'm joining. i'm exploring groups and things to do. (i am also still spending 50-60 hours a week working on bar exam stuff. i haven't forgotten.) and, yes, it helps that i am not sitting in this apartment alone right now, even though the new roommate (who's perfectly nice) isn't hanging out with me. it's not that i don't cherish this time to straighten out, get myself together, etc. it's just easier when i know what i need, and it's even easier still when i get out of my own way and go get it.

aspirations

so i think it's time to take this little enterprise next level. what little enterprise? everything in my life. i have got to start striving a little harder, all the way around. i was always so freaking happy as a kid when i had goals, something to work towards. i mean, i was a wicked procrastinator, and a touch of an underachiever in a couple of areas (calculus, i'm looking at you). but work has always given me my grounding, made me happy, and helped me define who i am. well, except for that little patch of wandering in the wilderness there in the middle. between undergrad and law school, i just... coasted, i guess, is the best word for it. and that was MISERABLE. god, the more i look back on it, the more i realize that every day i just did whatever was bare-minimum necessary, with no aim other than a) earn paycheck and b) spend paycheck, i was killing the parts of me that made me who i am. not acceptable AT ALL.

so here i sit, having just logged about a 12-hour day reviewing for the bar exam (gaah, less than two months), and you'd think that would be misery. nope; i am pretty freaking satisfied, all things considered. i am on my way to building my life as it should've been built all along. i am through wasting time. i am trying, i am working, and i am achieving. work may sound like a weird way to define yourself; i know we're all supposed to be about our emotional connections, etc., etc., etc. "i don't let my job define me!" well, yeah, you don't let your employer define you. but you damn well better have something to define yourself with, and in my case, it's my legal life. i am going to be the best damn tax lawyer i can possibly be. i will define myself by my profession, my achievements and my resume. i'm done drifting. it's time to get back to what made me: being just remarkably good at what i do. arrogant? maybe. but i can back it up. let's do the damn thing, starting today.

unfettered nostalgia

oh, friends, today is a red-letter day in my personal universe. not only do i have a brand-new LEGIT DVD set of the little-watched MTV show the maxx, but i also received my long, long, LONG awaited DVD collection, legit as well, of probably my favorite show of all time, daria.

oh, my lord, it's perfect. all the things i loved in high school, which was probably the last time i really felt like myself, coming back to me at last. i feel like i had the reverse experience that most people had with youth. a lot of people i know were, if not abjectly miserable in high school, always felt a little off. i never felt off. i was totally confident, a raging ball of energy, possibility and good-natured cynicism. i had a clique of like-minded friends, i wasn't the target of teenage abuse, and i really felt like anything in the world was possible. when i look back on high school, the memories are all over-saturated with color and sunshine. i was on top of the freaking world.

it wasn't until college, and beyond, when things started unraveling. that's when the fierce assurance that the world was my oyster was punctured, when my confidence was shaken and challenged, and when i started to define myself by other people and other things. i lost sight of who i was independent of others. that, my dears, is a BAD, BAD sign. and that's how i got myself into the situation i'm in today. sigh.

but it's funny; now that law school is over and i'm making strides towards the life i used to imagine, i can feel the ol' mojo coming back. it's tempered a little by the hard knocks i've taken over time, to be sure, but i am starting to feel more like the girl i was before. that's the one thing that, while i will be in for some pain in the short term, will sustain me as i make my way into the great wide open, under them skies of blue. these little doses of nostalgia are fun, entertaining and interesting, to be sure. but they're also reminders that there was a time when i answered to only myself when it came to my dreams and my future. they're reminders that i can go back there again, that i can reclaim what i was and shape what i will be, no alternate influence required.

like a laser

spring studying is just the worst. but this spring, more than any other since i graduated from high school (way longer ago than i care to contemplate), i cannot lock it down and get the tunnel vision i need to plow through. i mean, damn - the whole sorry operation is over in TEN DAYS. i'm one week from my first exam. and yet, i sit here blogging, which, while fun, is not studying. sigh. i know that this stuff matters, but it is SO FREAKING HARD to stay in the moment.

this is a theme in my life. i'm always either projecting forward or gazing back longingly. this time, it's really bad - in such a short amount of time, i get to go home. i basically live for that moment. but i have three more hurdles to clear before i can kiss this all goodbye, and i know this. so it's time to redouble my effort something fierce, and it's time to get in my head how important the next ten days are. these three exams are the keys to my escape. buckle down. one foot in front of the other. let's go get it. my way out relies on this...

crunch time

and so it begins. after nearly three years of struggle, tumult, crisis and triumph, law school is just about over. today, my head goes down and i start the work of exam prep. i also start a thirty-day yoga regimen; one class every single day, without fail. it's funny to think this way on the christian easter sunday. everyone else ends their period of work and reflection today with a celebration, an indulgence, and a rebirth. i, however, go underground for this time every year. this year, i really want to dazzle everyone with the results of the next month. i've got a LOT riding on the outcome. i've got so much to look forward to, and i really need to make sure i'm in the proper frame of mind (and in the right physical shape) to embrace the future properly. the goal of exam time, which is actually really nice, is to tamp down all the stress and drama of my emotional life to live exclusively in the intellectual realm for awhile. i think that's why i like exam period so much. either that, or i'm insane.

so hopefully it doesn't get too boring around here over the next month. i'll do my best to make outlining and down-dog sound fun. :)

light of day

it's funny how the sun can change your perspective on things. it's almost like being a little kid sometimes: problems that loom so large and seem so unsurmountable in the dark of night become completely manageable in the daytime. i've noticed this time and again, and yet i still manage to fall victim to the night terrors.

which brings me to last night's panic attack. after some nudging - gentle and not-so-gentle - i realize that i would be a fool to turn down my dream because of short-term comfort concerns. i'm forever counseling people in tough positions to "rip off the band-aid"; to endure the intensity of brief pain, knowing that the relief that follows will be immense.

i was told once that i need to stop living for other people. that's true. and choosing the easy personal route would be one more choice made with other people's interests in mind. so i'm going to do what's best for me, despite the difficulties to come, and i know full good and well that the long-term future will be so much better for it.

this is it. don't get scared now.

postpartum

i run a big volunteer program at my law school. well, ran, anyway - it ended today. i've been planning this project all year long, and with a rush of excited activity, we wrapped it tonight. i have amazing lieutenants in this endeavor, and we did one hell of a job. happy customers, happy administration, and a very satisfied feeling for me.

but.

yeah, there's always a but, isn't there? i've done this program every year of law school, with ever-increasing responsibility. the whole show was mine this year. and now, it's over. just like that. i just don't know what to do with myself at this point. i'm a little sad, to be honest. i mean, now what am i going to do? (i mean, besides study and drink, like i usually do.) it's such a weird thing, especially with the realization that it's a mere six weeks until i move away. six. weeks. i am so happy to get out on my own that i could scream... but there's that weird feeling of let-down that goes with it.

it's all coming to an end. no matter how great that feels, there's something... sad, i guess, too. nothing's ever simple.

hold your own

i remember the first time someone hinted to me that my ambitious nature might be anything less than completely desirable. i was talking to the mother of an old boyfriend about my life and how i'd gotten where i was at that time. it was a pretty, if i do say so myself, impressive course to have charted: on my own, full-time college student, two jobs and a robust social life. i made above-average grades and pretty much did as i pleased.

"wow," this woman said to me. "you're so... independent."

her tone was so strange that it stopped me dead in my tracks. i mean, isn't that the goal of growing up - to become an actual, real, independent adult who can fend for herself? it was the first instance i'd ever encountered of how jealous, petty people will do anything they can to thwart people who can see the road and walk down it with confidence.

growing up, i prided myself on being able to hold my own without a lot of help or guidance. i've lost track of that ambition, that will to succeed, a time or two over the years. some of my choices have suffered. but a few years ago, the scales fell from my eyes, and i started to see that (despite the stumbles) i could still have the smart, tough and exciting life i'd always wanted. it was just a matter of putting my head down and going to it. so i did. i sit here now at the end of one degree, with one more to go, ready to cut ties with my repressive and limiting choices and charge forth into the future of MY OWN DETERMINATION. i follow no rules but my own. as one story winds down, this one picks up, and it's far more exciting to me to see where this one goes...

ma'am

of all the milestones to happen tonight. it's one i hadn't thought about until it happened, too, which is totally rare for me. usually i'm the one who remembers EVERYTHING. for example, "oh yeah, that was prom senior year. you went with so-and-so, and she wore that blue dress, and you jumped the curb leaving the restaurant..." meanwhile, the person to whom i'm telling this story, who double-dated with me, is staring at me like i'm speaking esperanto.

but tonight it's official: i've known the other boy for half my life. the mock-congress kids were at school tonight, using all our classrooms, running around and being teenagers. [shudder] they were sweet enough, and they reminded me of when the other boy and i were mock-congress kids. that's how we met, after all. but that was a decade and a half ago. the advisors at this event were younger than me. and every single kid i saw called me "ma'am."

oh, sweet lord. i like to think of myself as young. i still feel pretty young. but it's becoming increasingly apparent that while young may be a state of mind, it's an illusory state of mind. i am almost thirty. i am "ma'am." and the time i have to misspend on ridiculous things that drain me is limited, getting more limited every day. this whole other-boy thing just shows me that it's time, NOW, to go after what i want. the world has turned and left me here. best not waste another second.