urge for going

the rest of the world returned to work today after the glorious overconsumptive fog that the holidays have been. but me? i'm still a student. i may be damn near 30, but as far as my schedule is concerned, i am a slothful 18-year-old kid. i have two more weeks before my classes start again. i'm sure there was a time when all this freedom was a total boon, and that i was thrilled beyond belief to sit/lie around and do nothing. it was probably, like, the totally greatest thing EVER, no doubt.

but now? good god, i am bored. i feel worthless when i have nothing to do. i don't know if it was law school that did this to me, or if it's simply a function of age, but i just cannot manage downtime anymore. i can't conceive of how to handle long stretches of time in which nothing is scheduled. it's just torturous. they say idle hands are the devil's playground. to me, however, an idle mind is what causes me all the trouble. when i don't have things to do, my mind... wanders. and rarely, if ever, does that wandering result in anything good.

the last time this happened, when i left myself unprogrammed, it was around this time two years ago. i really thought i needed the rest. but then, quite unexpectedly, my life got turned 100% upside down by the events of new year's weekend 2009. lines were crossed, decisions were made, and the beginning of the end of my old life was kicked off in explosive fashion. but then i had to go back to my old life and spend seven days pretending like nothing had changed, with no distractions whatsoever. and friends, it was nothing short of mind-bending. i was scared, depressed, lonely and sad. and the longer i sat still, with no way to escape the whirlwind of thoughts whipsawing through my brain, the closer i came to total desperation. finally, i made up my mind that there was only one possible solution: i hopped a plane, lying to everyone i knew, and made a stand.

that time, the stand i made did not end the way i'd hoped. i didn't get what i set out to get, which led to a whole string of reckless and potentially questionable decisions. in the end, those decisions set me on the road i'm on today, with all the good that's brought me. but the point is, when i am left alone with my mind, i tend to get... impulsive. dangerously, treacherously, foolishly impulsive. and at my station in life, that is no joking matter. my schedule might give me the freedom of a kid, but my reality locks me into the responsibility of an adult. every decision i make has consequences, and the kind of flightiness in which i feel like indulging will only lead to serious problems if i give in.

so the next two weeks will be a series of tests. every single day will be a trial: a test of my fealty to my relationship, my career, and my sanity. i have every reason to believe that i'll make it through, as long as my supports hold steady and don't fail me. but the dark river of recklessness flows very close to my surface. it slowly sings to me of the urge for going, for moving, for taking risks far more treacherous than i can stand. will i be able to resist the siren song? only time will tell.

god of love, hear our prayer

standing still for this is such an exquisite form of torture. how is it possible to feel pride, happiness, contempt and shame for a situation all at once? i will never understand how a few platitudes, heavily scripted in the name of spectacle and braggadocio, can stir such deep emotional currents. but here we are. the atheist, the whore, the charlatan, standing here in perfect character as a good upstanding woman of faith and charity. "god of love, hear our prayer." warm words of christian fellowship. touching.

i know how to wear the costume, the mask. i hit my marks perfectly, learn every line and recite them with a smile. i make this look good, too. but that's the fun of it, even though it kills me. i love knowing what no one else knows - while you stand here offering your blessing, showering godly praise on the happy family fabric woven before you, i am the agent of chaos. i stand in the midst of the fabric, slowly pulling threads at my whim and caprice. i am so far above all of this, and you'll never know.

that is, until the charade finally collapses, once and for all. my life is so beyond your traditional conceptions of reality. i want nothing more than to stand in the rubble and laugh at your woeful underestimation of my ruthless efficiency.

god of chaos, hear my prayer.

texts from last night

i have a new text plan - i now get unlimited messages every month. it was the only thing i could do; overage charges are a bitch and a half, and this was the only way to stave off a nasty surprise in the next billing cycle. really, you'd think 1500 messages a month would be enough for someone like me. hell, up until this summer, i'd never used more than 500.

but you've suddenly taken over my phone in ways i never imagined. oh, it started innocently enough; a question here, a funny observation there. no big deal. that's how we've always been. but then came the other night. started off as a chat about football, laughing about something stupid some analyst said. but then, every other comment was laced with a level of innuendo i'd never seen from you. you usually save talk like that for when we're alone, behind closed doors. you surprised me, my dear. that night, you led a master class in seduction in 160 characters or less. a slow, teasing burn, never directly letting on, but working on me in ways you knew would get to me. finally, you broke me down, calling me from my bed and across town to yours. i walked barefoot into your house and tore into you like you were water and i was lost in the desert. you hit your mark, no question.

and ever since you drew me to you that night, you've shown an interest in me both pure and impure. every night, innocent or lurid, we're texting each other. even as i write this tonight, we're in mid-conversation on my phone. (mmm.) you intrigue me beyond belief. we've talked about this, and you've told me time and time again that there's nothing behind the wall. i don't think you're lying to me. i just wonder if you're as sure of that statement as you were before. maybe i've shown you something. maybe you've changed. maybe this is nothing more than a new level of flirtation. i can't be sure. i'm not certain if i even care.

just tread lightly. be careful. and for god's sake, don't stop.

origin myth

he and i are no stranger to scandal. we've carefully constructed this reality between ourselves, cultivating our private indulgences far outside the pale of what our friends would accept. instead of running away, killing ourselves over it, we've adopted it as our new reality. i live a double life, carefully building my realities depending on the audience and hoping like hell that the two halves can stay separated long enough to ride out the required delay. he aids and abets me, willingly, gladly shepherding me down this path and guarding all my secrets.

i lay there with him that first night, listening to him assure me that i wasn't crazy. i felt so much relief after that conversation. he'd really talked me down off the ledge; i was totally okay after that. i drifted off next to him in that big hotel bed. not the first time we'd slept next to each other. but the change came when he crossed that line, when he reached out his hands and touched me, just so, on the back of my neck, running his fingers through my hair. i lay there still, my heart racing, as his hands undid all the calm of his words a few short hours earlier. he made himself a liar then and there. i could ignore this. i could stop him...

...or i could bite into that apple and fall from grace once and for all. i drew in breath. this decision would require courage, more courage than i had to rely on. i whispered, "do you know what you're doing?" it would be the closest i'd come to acknowledging his double-edged intentions. he ran his hand over my shoulders and down my back. i drew in breath again, for other reasons.

"i think so." as our lips touched, we sealed our fate. stripping each other down and drinking deeply from one another, we bonded ourselves together in our secrecy, our treachery against my situation and our conspiracy to ourselves. we could never go back. it was changed forever. the only reality we will ever know again will be twined with the feeling of skin against skin, the illicit thrill of indulgence and the breathless danger of breaking rules.

we have always been intellectual rebels, riding the streets of our sleepy hometown with the knowledge that we were different, better, more than what we saw through the windows of his car. with that kiss, the rebellion crystallized, raised to a whole new level of disregard for convention. teenage angst is trite and overdone. a grown man and a grown woman, looking the rules of society in the face and spurning them in pursuit of pleasure, comfort, happiness, damn all the consequences? now that's a bold statement. we joined hands and jumped. we didn't bother to look down. we just fell together, never wondering or even caring what would happen when the clouds parted.

blocked

it was supposed to be an easy night. a short morning in class, a gorgeous sunny day, some good study progress, then a quick trip out for food and a movie with a friend. nice. simple. but no, we don't do simple anymore in this life, apparently. i was all settled in my seat, ready to go, and bang: the phone buzzed. damn push notifications, i thought; i KNOW the lakers won, you don't have to tell me five times from three different apps. but no, this time it was a phone call. at 12:34 AM. from a blocked number. for the third time in 48 hours.

so consider me unnerved. i mean, it's not like i'm completely alone right now, with drama all around me and a ton of stress to sap my vigilance. oh wait - that's EXACTLY what it's like. there are weird things at work in my life, stressful, paranoia-inducing surprises at every freaking turn. and the best part? i've opened the door to all of this. damn it all. this had better just be an extraordinary inappropriate telemarketer. if not... well, i don't know what to do. but let this be public record: three calls, blocked number. june 15, 5:32 PM; june 17, 10:26 PM; june 18, 12:34 AM. all times eastern. let's hope it's nothing. it is nothing.

right?

song cues

sometimes i swear the universe is speaking to me through my ipod. today has been a bizarre head-state day, and the music i listened to accidentally fed right into all of that. earlier today, i was out running errands and stewing about the other boy. i get like that with him sometimes; it really gets to me that things are so... unsettled, i guess, between us. anyway, as i'm grumbling over the weirdness, these lyrics come through my speakers:

baby, i compare you to a kiss from a rose on the gray
ooh, the more i get of you, the stranger it feels, yeah...
there is so much a man could tell you
so much he could say
you remain my power, my pleasure, my pain
baby, to me you're like a growing addiction that i can't deny
won't you tell me, is that healthy, baby?

gaah. there's nothing like a middle-of-the-road pop song from the second-worst batman movie to reinforce everything you're feeling. it's painful because it's spot-on and doubly painful because it's so freaking cliche. but that cut me straight to the bone. after a fashion, the other boy is my power, my pleasure and my pain. he validates me in ways i can't describe. he does things to me that i can't replace. and he hurts me more than anyone else on this earth. i am addicted to this, too; i can't fathom letting this go, no matter how destructive it feels.

but the moment, as these things do, passed. the day went on, and i went to spend some face time with friends. we had a real purpose for being there, but no small part of the reason i'm involved with this crew is that it gives me an excuse to hang out with my newest infatuation, contestant #3. oh, my lord, this boy is BEAUTIFUL. there's no other way to describe him. he's brilliant, shrewd and just magnetically attractive. some guys just have this... pull. i am powerless to resist lusting after him. we've been locked in what seems like a mutual flirtation for weeks now, and he's got me feeling like a freaking twelve-year-old girl all over again. after two and a half hours of trying to play it cool (and hoping to all things holy that i got my message across without being obvious), i got in the car to drive home. the ol' ipod was at it again:

you wear sandals in the snow
and a smile that won't wash away...
you're so beautiful with an edge and charm
and you're so careful when i'm in your arms
'cause you're working
building a mystery...

(it helps to know that contestant #3 wears flip-flops everywhere he goes. it's another thing i adore about him.) this boy is always smiling, but it seems like there's so much more to him. he almost feels dangerous, in a way; it's the kind of thing where i sense trouble, but i almost don't care. i mean, hell; i'm only going to be in this state for another two months, tops. why not have some fun? damn the consequences, full speed ahead.

these narrative threads are about to get seriously tangled, too; both the other boy and contestant #3 factor prominently into my weekend plans. a bunch of us are traveling to the homestead this friday for a school function. the other boy will be my friday night entertainment, then i will wake up saturday morning to spend the day with contestant #3 and our mutual friends. the day with the school crew will culminate with a bar run, and frankly, i have evil, evil plans, if the heavens align properly. then sunday, i have a brunch date with my other big brother, who is as tight with the other boy as he is with me.

oh yes - my life is drama. there will be a LOT to think about come sunday afternoon.

being a heathen, i don't do the whole "signs from above" thing. but on days like today, it's really hard to keep it rational when there are omens all around me. coincidence? i wish so...

parenthesis

there's always an element of danger when involved with multiple people at the same time. some of that came to a head last night when i went to a movie with the other boy and some of his friends. the movie in question was "up in the air," which will be up for best picture in mere hours from the publishing of this blog post. at any rate, i saw it a few months ago with the ball and chain and one of his townie friends. i really dug the basic point/thesis of the film, which was essentially that (in my mind anyway) the only certainty in this world is the certainty that you provide yourself. my personal theory of life validated in a major motion picture? who can argue with that?

yeah, so yesterday i saw "up in the air" with the other boy, and gaah, can i tell you how distressing that was? seriously. i never thought of the ramifications of this, but it dawned on me that i am essentially alex in that movie. i mean, i am the one seeking escape from the ball and chain with the other boy, who's the self-possessed man on the move. i sat between him and one of his friends watching that movie last night, and seriously, it was all i could do to keep from hyper-freaking-ventilating during those scenes.

a lot has dawned on me in the last 48 hours. i am a power-mad, selfish person who seeks nothing but comfort and escape from the ball and chain with the other boy. friday night, i laid in his bed, went down on him, and all i could think while i did it was, "yeah, that's right; i want you to get everything possible out of this, and i want you to know who did this for you." it was all about power over him. it occurred to me in flagrante delicto that the whole thing had ceased to be about him enjoying himself and ALL about me being the one who could bring him to his knees with sexual desire. i found myself thinking, "yeah. you know who's doing this for you. i own you right now."

does that make him a parenthesis? am i seriously that callous? do i use this boy, someone i've loved for so long as a good friend, as nothing more than a diversion? god, i don't know. all i know is the following: a) he's someone i care very deeply for; b) this is such a good diversion from my regular, torturous life; and c) there are few things in this life that bring me more simple happiness than his arms around me as the sun comes up and we both doze after a night together.

how evil does that make me? i don't know. i don't think i care. i just know one thing: i had better just be careful with the one who helps me get a break from my torturous life. he's way more than a parenthesis, an escape; this is someone who loves me in his way as much as i love him in my way. i just hope to god i can keep his feelings in mind as this evolves.

it's [not] just a little crush

so a bunch of people on the internet have declared friday to be international crush day. so harmless on its face, right? i mean, the crush is the first introduction we have to the wonder and mystery of love. most of us never give them up. i have a wicked intellectual crush on anthony bourdain, for example.

but i can't get on board with a full-on celebration of crushes. after all, it was a long-ago crush that started all of this with the other boy. the kind of crush a fourteen-year-old girl gets on a fifteen-year-old boy is a powerful force. i was, to employ an old southernism, over the moon for him. it was a pure, unadulterated, white-hot infatuation, the perfect mash-up of lust and innocence. i loved him in that way that's only possible when you've never had your heart broken.

and naturally, it was 100% unrequited. he never saw me that way. and as we dated others, had our hearts broken, and carved out our own paths through the jungle that is love, i let my crush go. or so i thought. it dawned on me, as i made changes in my life and eschewed patterns i'd developed in my relationship with the ball and chain, that i never fully lost the seed of that crush. i never leached him from my system in that way. even a period of complete estrangement didn't achieve that. in retrospect, it probably made things worse. i'd be lying if i said i didn't have designs on him, as the old 97's said.

and there you have it: a sweet little crush ballooned into something i can't even control. even though i recognize the serious flaws in my relationship with the other boy, i still hold onto it. hard. there's something so deeply satisfying about wish fulfillment. my teenage crush, so powerful, is finally satisfied. he's attracted to me. teenage me won. but what is that doing to adult me? i have no idea.

just a little crush? yeah, no. not so much.