blocked

it was supposed to be an easy night. a short morning in class, a gorgeous sunny day, some good study progress, then a quick trip out for food and a movie with a friend. nice. simple. but no, we don't do simple anymore in this life, apparently. i was all settled in my seat, ready to go, and bang: the phone buzzed. damn push notifications, i thought; i KNOW the lakers won, you don't have to tell me five times from three different apps. but no, this time it was a phone call. at 12:34 AM. from a blocked number. for the third time in 48 hours.

so consider me unnerved. i mean, it's not like i'm completely alone right now, with drama all around me and a ton of stress to sap my vigilance. oh wait - that's EXACTLY what it's like. there are weird things at work in my life, stressful, paranoia-inducing surprises at every freaking turn. and the best part? i've opened the door to all of this. damn it all. this had better just be an extraordinary inappropriate telemarketer. if not... well, i don't know what to do. but let this be public record: three calls, blocked number. june 15, 5:32 PM; june 17, 10:26 PM; june 18, 12:34 AM. all times eastern. let's hope it's nothing. it is nothing.

right?

venus in flip-flops

[so i'm pulling off the mask for a minute here. tonight's flight of fancy takes a distinct turn for the dark. what can i say? i felt like plumbing the depths and flat-out getting weird in my writing tonight. maybe i've been watching too much dexter. whatever. anyway, for the benefit of those who just don't want to go there, i'm trying my hand at HTML and hiding the meat and potatoes behind a jump. if you are interested, please throw me some critiques. i'm trying some serious writing, not just my stream of consciousness exercises this time. if not, no worries; we'll reconvene later...]

barely breathing

[soundtrack. sorry for the stupid commercial.]

"i know what you're doing; i see it all too clear..."
yeah, i'm writing you another letter tonight, my dear. you just don't know when to let it go, do you? i spend forty-eight hours just shaking with anger at you, and at me for the way i let you infiltrate every cell in my body. just rage, nothing but rage, and all-consuming rage at that. it was so all-consuming that i even managed not to feel somehow blessed by your very acknowledgement of my status update. (yeah, because we're thirty, or pushing thirty, going on fifteen, apparently.) that was good. but what do you do today? you manage to wield your particular brand of half-concerned, half-pedantic wisdom at me, and damn it all, i bite. you knew i would, too. i can't put you down like that.

"everyone keeps asking, what's it all about? it used to be so certain, but i can't figure out..."
i think it was the insanity of the weekend, the loose lips that goddamn near sank this ship twice in one night. (you should really find a way to shut him up, by the way. he's gonna cause you some trouble someday, whether about me or about something else.) it really did start me thinking. what the hell are we doing? moreover, what are YOU doing? what have you been doing all along? i mean, you've told me a lot. but really, i don't know what to think about your motivations. you're either the most obvious person i've ever met or the best con artist in the history of time. i'm not sure which it is anymore. but i sure as hell make it easy for you. i always do. i always have. but after all that, i'm really not sure i want to do this. it hurts. it's hard. it's getting risky. and i always end up feeling like i've given a lot more than i got.

"what is this attraction? i only feel the pain, with nothing left to reason, and only you to blame..."
to stop spewing bile for a minute and be fair about things, it's not like i think you're lying to me. it's not an issue of dishonesty, or feeling swindled, that con artist line notwithstanding. i'm starting to feel like i've been sleeping with dexter morgan: someone who's so incapable of human closeness that the closest he'll ever get to love is, well, a charade. that's the devil's bargain he's struck. preserving the interior darkness, the solitude, at the expense of everything real around him, becoming nothing more than a full-time master of disguise. hmm. sound familiar? i mean, i pour my goddamn heart out to you every time. i've come so close to professing love for you so many times... but i hold back. i hold back for two reasons. one, it's not possible right now. there are complications. but two, i know you can't deal with that. the one time you thought i did that, well, i've never heard you so scared. it's almost like (gasp!) you would've had to feel something risky, something that you couldn't manage or control. so what are we? what is this? what am i?

"and i could stand here waiting, a fool for another day; i don't suppose it's worth the price, you're worth the price, the price that i am paying, but i'm thinking it over anyway..."
i know what i am. loyal. loyal to a fault. loyal to the biggest fault you could imagine. i can be so fucking savage when i want to be, slicing people and things out of my life without a single hesitation. i did it to you once, too. and it was hard. and it hurt. it hurt more than this does, if that's even imaginable. so i've made my own devil's bargain here. i take all of this. i take the darkness, the distance, the limits you place on your affections. i take it because i'm a fool for you. i always will be, apparently, because even as thoroughly enraged as i am, i still won't cut you off. i keep you in my heart. i hold back how i feel. i maintain my own charade, knowing that it's the closest we'll ever get. i won't let it go. you win again. you always do. you get everything you want. meanwhile, here i sit, tied in knots. again. always. you have some kind of charm, you know, and it's something you don't even understand. good thing you don't; i couldn't imagine you in full command of this. you'd be dangerous. i mean, more dangerous than you are right now, that is.

so good night, my dear. sleep the sleep of the just, as you always do. just maybe, if you think about it, consider what this is. think about me, sitting here tonight, tearing myself to shreds over you. ask yourself if the wall you've built around you keeps you as warm as my body does. you need to decide: is the image worth it? or is there something in you that will let you open the door to me? you've got your options. make your choice. because i see you better than you think i do. i know your mind, your heart, a little more than you'd like me to. and my dear, you are so much more than your charade. we are so much more than your charade. think about that the next time you wake up alone.

"i know what you're doing. i see it all too clear."

unmoored

for the first time ever, and i say this without exaggeration, i am 100% on my own. no parental supervision, no main boy, not even a casual screw in my life. it is me and me alone. i can't believe that it's taken me this long to test myself as a grown, independent woman. i always prided myself on being headstrong and independent, and i think i've done a pretty good job of projecting that image into the world. but it was a false kind of strength; i knew it was pretty low-risk to take all these stands, because there was always that emotional safety net to catch me.

so here i go again on my own, as the song says. for real. i don't have that comfort to fall back on. i have got to learn how to soothe myself, how to cope, how to be whole as just myself. hell, this is an opportunity that's been a long time coming. for so long, i was part of an other. jesus, my nickname in college was the first letter of my first name. not even the letter itself; just the hard consonant sound. see, if you stuck that letter on the end of my man's name, it formed a word. so that was my identity: the letter at the end of the word. suited those people and their antediluvian, hyper-traditional worldview just fine. it didn't feel right then, but what did i know? i was so happy to be part of something that i never once stopped to think what i was giving up to be part of it.

but alas, as most houses of cards do, that illusion fell apart. here i sit, alternately so excited and so scared. the fears are real, and they feel so freaking huge that, when they hit, it's almost like i'm being consumed whole by doubts. but then there are nights like this, when the possibility of all this freedom shines through the trepidation. this is the time to seize the day. and it's weird to do this without a net. i always thought i'd have someone with me at all times. i don't know what it's like to approach things from this viewpoint. but you know something? i'm ready to learn. it's going to suck sometimes. but it's also going to be a real, true accomplishment. and the accomplishment will be all mine.

time for me to set sail.

appomattox

sometimes, in the cold light of morning, you wake up and realize that you've lost. the troops are scattered, the fort is burning, and the cause is gone forever. this is one of those days. i got out of bed with a dull, thudding headache and the weight of the world on my chest. the headache made sense; that's what happens when you drink too much. but the weight? that eluded me for a minute... until i turned around and saw him lying there asleep.

and just like that, there it was. it hit me like a ten-ton truck that there was something so fake about this that it hurt to even see him there. it's not even his fault. he never lied to me, not once. he told me a long time ago what we were doing, and moreover what we weren't doing. i asked him once, "why am i not dateable?" i couldn't stand the ambiguity anymore; i needed him to tell me what was happening. there are obvious logistical reasons, but he's decided that it's just not worth the "risk" to take a chance on me as more than... i don't even know anymore.

and i still spent the entire weekend wanting his company, just to be near him, to the point where i invited him in last night just to sleep next to me. i just wanted him there. then i woke up and saw what i had done. no. unacceptable. i felt so freaking DESPERATE. it's not that he doesn't like me. it's not that we aren't good friends. it's that i keep trying to make something when there's clearly never going to be anything. and the simple reality of that finally sunk in, after all this time. i need to put some space between us for awhile, i think, to make the lesson sink in, but the fact remains that it's finally dawned on me that this is one more thing that i've lost lately. i don't know how much more i can take of this, but if i want to keep someone important to me around, this is a necessary loss.

i get it. finally. i surrender.