baby, baby, baby

i am twenty-nine. that means that i am in that sweet spot chronologically where everyone i freaking know, it seems, is having a kid, has just had a kid or is trying to have a kid. babies are absolutely everywhere. i'd say it's something in the water, but it's nationwide.

now, babies are about the cutest things on the planet. they're also intimidating as hell. i swore up, down and sideways that i'd never go there. i never wanted to be someone's mama. but then, a funny thing happened. of all people, the man stepped in. this was long before he was the man, when he was just my best friend. i mentioned this to him late one night in the middle of the breakup of my marriage, how there's just no way i'd ever have a kid.

"eh, you'll change your mind."
i literally did a double-take. "what?"
"you'll change your mind." he took a sip of his beer. "i know full well you don't mean that."
"what the hell are you talking about?" how surreal is this? talking about reproduction with you? WEIRD. just... WEIRD.
"i think that when you find the right partner, the right person, you'll feel a lot differently about the subject. you'll be an excellent mother someday."

now, this whole conversation has taken on an obviously different light now that my partner is, well, him, but at the time, this was staggering. the wholesale endorsement of my ability to raise a kid was flattering and reassuring. and sure enough, he's right. i did change my mind. it really wasn't "i don't want to have a kid." it was, "i don't want to have a kid WITH YOU."

is there any topic more fraught with angst for a woman of childbearing age? there's an emotional or societal landmine about every tenth of a second. it's crazy. and i always thought i was above the fray. but then the man and i went to visit our friend's brand-new baby son in the hospital the day after he was born. i held that little guy in my arms and talked to him. the man, after some coaching, did the same (terrified though he was). that cher bebe, looking up expectantly at all of us, taking us all in... wow. for the first time in my life, i really felt that pang. holy hell. i think i want one.

there will be a lot more on this topic going forward, i think. there's so much to stew over. but the one thing i know for sure is this: my life just got one hell of a lot more complicated.

sins of the fathers

parents. everyone has two, somewhere out there - that's biological reality. we all have a mother and a father, at least at the point of conception. but in a lot of cases, way more than should ever be the case, one or both of the people who give a person life just... check out. i am not a parent. it's only been recently that the idea of being someone's mama hasn't caused me to break out in hives. but i am someone's child. i love both of my parents, my dad who's here and my mom who's passed on. and even though i came out okay, even though i have next to nothing to complain about regarding my raising, i still have scars. and i'm one of the lucky ones.

my friends and i are at the age when most people historically start their own nuclear families. i've had a couple of friends give birth. it's a hell of a thing - all of a sudden, there's this kid you're responsible for. and watching all this go down has made me reflective, i guess. when you do this, when you create life with a partner (one you love or not), you've opened the floodgates. you're now on the hook for things that happen to that kid. and like it or not, more often than not, what's done can't be undone. we forgive, but we don't forget.

so back to the checked out parent. sometimes it's a tragedy, an unintentional trick of brain chemistry, that pulls a parent away. that's what happened to me. other times, it's willful hatred, cruelty or reckless disregard for the consequences of actions that sear into a kid's mind. those are the times that try my soul more than anything i can articulate. i've seen the breakdowns that occur, the way the victims of situations like this have had their hearts broken time and time again, and even so, still hold their attackers in a place of rueful, painful love, twisted around the mangled frame of their conception of what that parent should be and what that parent actually is. it's shattering. there's no other word for it.


kids are so fragile, such blank slates. that's what scares me about them, what gives me so much pause about the idea of having one myself. if you're a thoughtful, caring person on any level, you can't help but evaluate yourself against that standard when contemplating reproduction. everything you say and do to and around that baby is going to go towards what that baby becomes in adulthood. there's so much focus on prenatal medical care. hell, some people go so far as to say that women of childbearing age should take prenatal vitamins all the time, just in case. while that strikes me as a little too "women are nothing but walking incubators," there's certainly no doubt in anyone's mind that if you're thinking of conceiving, you should get yourself into good medical shape.

but no one ever seems to pay much mind to prenatal mental care. shouldn't that matter too? if we're so concerned about whether the fetus is getting enough vitamin B-12, it seems that we should be just as concerned, if not more, about whether the parent(s) of that soon-to-be-baby can handle what's about to happen. nine months of gestation is one thing - the rest of your life as someone's parent has WAY more impact on what that baby will become.

so i guess my point is this: parents, be careful. for that matter, everyone around those babies needs to be careful. when they put that little bundle in your arms, that's the first impression you'll make. it's incumbent upon you and everyone else to make damn good and sure that every impression after that does as little harm as possible. that's the wage of being a parent. for the sake of that bundle, and the rest of the world, you had damn well better pay it.