veneer

as open as i am in this setting (i.e., i will write just about anything here), it may surprise some of you to hear that i can be quite prim, proper and even shy in my real life. i really am more southern than i let on, in the traditional sense. i tend to live by the axiom, "would my grandmother approve of me saying/doing this?" this governs how i dress in most situations, and it definitely governs how i act.

but sometimes, just sometimes, i let my guard down. as traditional as i can be, every so often i let go and indulge every dark instinct that streaks through my brain. and you know better than most what i can do when properly inspired. i usually traffic in innuendo, flirtation... generally skirting the issue and hoping that you get the message i'm sending. but you cracked the code, didn't you? you broke through my carefully constructed veneer of propriety and found the passion underneath. you got me to be blunt with you, and i ate it up like sugar candy. you lead, i'll follow.

i want nothing more than to give you exactly what you want. you know this, and you indulge me my strange shyness. but every so often, you goad me, you push me, and you get me to deliver the goods. i still can't get over how unbelievably satisfying your insistence can be, and how receptive you are when i open up to you and tell you specifically what's going on in my head. in your hands, i am skilled; with your enthusiastic encouragement, i can be what you want. i only hope your experience is as satisfying as mine is. you are so, so worth it.

reckless indifference

i spend a lot of time talking about maturity, responsibility and adulthood. a lot of this comes with the territory of being at the end of my twenties, i think. but really, in my heart of hearts, i am still the snotty little punk teenager i was back in the mid-90s. there's an element of arrested development at work here, for sure. i mean, the decisions i made at the end of my teen years locked me into a pattern that i've only just recently been able to break. there's some explanation for the just-don't-give-a-damn i feel sometimes.

but there's more to it than that. i still have a large streak of wild impulsiveness alive and well in me. i've noticed that in the last two years, i have been given to making decisions that rational adults would call foolish at best and dangerous at worst. many of these decisions have been shared with y'all here. but the closer i get to total freedom, the stronger these impulses get. for example, driving back from the bar exam, i was randomly seized with the urge to just... drive somewhere. not back home, but somewhere else in particular. just take off, no announcement, no plans. i didn't, largely because by the time i reached the junction between home and somewhere else, exhaustion had set in and i just wanted my bed. but had i been slightly less exhausted, who knows what might've happened?

there are so many things i've done this summer that defy logic and really serve to disprove everything i've ever said about maturity. but the best is yet to come. i made a decision last night that will either stay harmless fun or open up a pandora's box of bad consequences. and there's just no way to tell which one it is until it happens. you'd think that would make me nervous, scare me, or drive me to try to fix the problem. nope. my give-a-damn's busted. not only am i not afraid, but i welcome the consequences. let whatever's going to happen come on. i'm ready for some excitement. let's shake it up even worse than i have in the past.

life is meant to be lived. i'm going to live it. damn the torpedoes. full speed ahead.

soul food

tonight was a big damn deal for me. i mean HUGE. i did something i never, ever do: i went out socially ALONE, to a bar, just to talk to people. i have been described as someone who likes to be around people, to the point where i was told (disdainfully) that, "you're... SOCIAL." but i usually need at least one other person with me as backup to truly shine. i mean, in my old life, when i was sent out into the world to network, i would totally shut down without someone from the office there with me as support.

well, given what i'm in the process of doing to my emotional and social life, that's just not gonna fly. i can't rely on others to charge my batteries; if i want to go and do, i can't sit around and wait for partners in crime. so tonight i put the books down, dolled myself up and swaggered on into a downtown watering hole 100% solo. and you know something? i did not die. no one hurt me, i was not laughed at. in fact, i started conversations with total strangers that led to actual connections. it was fun. and moreover, i was myself without any kind of spurring or crutches. i didn't need someone standing there with me to validate my presence. i did it. and it felt really, really good.

and by god, that counts for a lot. i can do this. i will do this. i got the deeply vital social interaction that i need, and i got it without help. damn. moving forward may not be so hard after all.

work

[your soundtrack]

"if you only once would let me, only just one time, then be happy with the consequence of whatever's gonna happen tonight..."
i think it was when your hand grazed my thigh that i knew what i was up against. i mean, it's not like this is something i didn't see coming. we've been down this road before. you have power, and you wield it well. you're a man among boys, just the way i like it. but there are a few small... concerns, i'll say, with all of this. no one's writing a romance novel or a taylor swift song about this one. if this goes down, it's going to be rough, it's going to be dark. there won't be blood, but it'll be close.

"don't think we're not serious. when's it ever not? the love we make is give and it's take; i'm game to play along..."
most people look at an opportunity like this as something recreational. we know better, you and i. sure, there's an element of fun about this. you'll have one hell of a time with me, honey, and you know it. but this isn't a game. there's potential to tear things that should never be torn, open up all manner of avenues that may not be good. you come with a list of complications a mile long. you've got secrets. some i know; others i'd never want to find out, i think. better this way. maybe we shouldn't get too close. it'll complicate things further. would the reward be worth the risk? that's your gamble, isn't it?

"i can't say i was never wrong, but some blame rests on you. work and play, they're never okay to mix the way we do..."
all my life, i've played games with this stuff, but never like this. i never got into the nuclear warhead theory of sex. it's not something i do. but this is a whole new level we find ourselves at, isn't it? you know, i could say you started this. loose lips don't just sink ships; they start conflagrations. ah, but it takes two to tango, to banter, to be wildly inappropriate in the most dangerous ways. i've never been as intrigued as i am with you. that's the part that gives me pause. i don't think i can stay in control of this, and i don't think you can either. we have the potential to create something so white-hot, so powerful, and so amazingly destructive that i don't think either one of us could ever harness that energy.

and yet, i just can't stop thinking about your hand on my thigh, your complete unwillingness to maintain the charade. you are reckless. you're crazy. and you've got my full and undivided attention. your move.

"can we take a ride? get out of this place while we still have time..."

platonic

here's how you know you really, really love one of your friends. you see this person in trouble, you go out of your way to support your friend through a horrifically rough time, and when you know full good and well you could get exactly what you want, you pull yourself back from the edge and say no. impulse control, in spite of alcohol, temptation, and incredibly open talk. that's how you know you walk the walk and talk the talk with your friends. that's how you know that sometimes, just sometimes, it's enough to be a friend to someone. you don't have to be anything more, regardless of how immediately desirable it would be. the mere threat of long-term disaster, not to mention the fact that there's always a morning after that changes how things look, is enough to pull you back from the brink. and believe me, there's always a brink there. but being able to look that danger in the face and turn it back? well. that's how you know you're really a friend, someone who can be trusted to help someone in need. there's an element of pride in that, no matter how tempting the short-term gain is. if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. but vulnerability, pain, and sorrow are only beaten back with restraint, empathy, and long-term vision. and if you can do that, well, you've already proven your worth as a friend.

the other boy

i began five days of blissful alone-ness today. the ball and chain is on a vacation far away, leaving me in the house with nothing to do but contemplate what my life would be like if this was my reality. it's not a perfect situation; i'm in charge of the dog he made us get when we came down here, and that dog's already eaten a tube of burt's bees lip balm and one (thankfully cheap) dress shoe. but even with that little wrinkle, this is a nice place to be.

even better, come friday, i get to go back to the place i call home. though i live in the southeast for school, home is the mid-atlantic, and i get to step into the other life i lead. by the time i get to the airport, for a little window of time, i get to forget the ball and chain and fall comfortably back into my old pattern with the other boy.

yeah, that's right: the other boy. a girl's gotta have some diversion in this life, and he's mine. how this happened is a long, drawn-out story, but for the last year-plus, i've been deep into some extracurricular activity with this guy. he's been a part of my life since we were teenagers. i was secretly in love with him for years, but it never came to pass. but through a long series of twists and turns, we ended up sharing a hotel room over a new year's weekend. a long talk alone in the dark, both of us vulnerable and lonely, and that, as they say, is that. i never had a chance. neither did he.

you'd think i'd feel guilty about this. nope. i feel ENTITLED to this. i sacrifice so much in my daily life to keep the ball and chain happy. the other boy is my reward for this. the other boy expects nothing from me except the occasional trip to the sack. he spends as much time with me as i request, gives me everything i want, and cares unconditionally. now, it's not like this relationship isn't riddled with complexity (at least from my perspective); it certainly is. but at its heart, this is so easy. it's so nice to spend time with a full-grown man.

i take my share of responsibility for the disintegration of my relationship with the ball and chain. i helped create the monster i'm stuck with now with the way i subsumed everything to him. but i will NOT live the puritan way of suffering through the mistakes i've made. i'm going to be proactive and do something about it. until i can get free, and there's still some time left on the calendar before the inevitable dissolution, i will not deprive myself of what i want. i'm just not that kind of girl.

the rest of the world can live by some antiquated standard of sacrifice. i choose to fulfill myself. after all, loyalty to self alone is the purest kind of loyalty. i will never let myself down again.

i didn't take you to raise

there's a song out there, a minor hit in the mid-90s, "sometimes love just ain't enough." i'm starting to think that there was some kind of prescience in how much i loved it at the time, because by god, it's the story of my life.

teenagers make stupid decisions about as often as they breathe. we all know this. i made my share, your share and that other guy's share of them myself. but one that i was fiercely proud of was the loyalty i showed to my boyfriend. i took up with him as a seventeen-year-old freshman in undergrad. met him day one, started dating day three, and that was that. we were engaged by senior year and married the summer after graduation. in the interim, i transferred colleges - TWICE - in an attempt to stay as close to him as possible. i moved heaven and earth for this relationship, and i thought that my hard work and sacrifice would pay off. in some respects, it has. he's a good-hearted guy, tons of fun, and a lot of laughs. but to paraphrase matthew mcconaughey in dazed and confused, i've gotten older and he has stayed the same age. the back-breaking work i put into this relationship has turned into a habit. his life is so easy, and i carry the burden.

even breaks from him involve more work than should be necessary when dealing with a thirty-year-old. essentially, i am the mother in this relationship. the friend he's going to go visit in the morning said, "i envision her packing your lunch and pinning your itinerary to your jacket with your mittens." ha, ha - big laugh all around. really funny line... if it wasn't the truth. i guess it's the fact that i'm so focused on being a grown woman these days, but i am just not willing to be the mama anymore. he's got a mama. (more on that tangled web later.)

this situation makes me angry. it makes me rebellious. it makes me act out in obvious and bad ways. (more on THAT later, too.) if i wasn't a student, which means i'm broke, i'd walk out the door tomorrow. i am not interested in being the rock that someone relies on in that way. i'm much more interested in taking care of myself. some people think that's selfish. i think that you can't possibly live this life in the old puritanical selflessness model, where everyone else's needs take priority over your own. i don't like myself when i'm resentful, and i'm resentful almost all the time. the only time i'm truly happy is when i'm not with him. this is NOT a good thing.

baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.