firework

pop music and i are usually not friends. i favor alt-rock, alt-country, songwriters with pithy and/or ironic worldviews. (oh yeah - and rap that was released in the late 1980s through the early 2000s. i'm a sucker for a good beat.) but i've been gobsmacked by this hooky little minx of a song. i swear, it's been on an endless loop in my head for over a week now. and for the longest time, i could NOT figure out why. there's nothing special about the beat, the words or even the sentiment.

but then i got to thinking about the lyrics again...

you just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
just own the night like the fourth of july
'cause, baby, you're a firework
come on, show 'em what you're worth...
come on, let your colors burst...
you're gonna leave 'em all in awe, awe, awe...
boom, boom, boom, even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
it's always been inside of you
and now it's time to let it through

kinda sounds like an anthem for someone who's been pent up, repressed (by herself or by others) and wants nothing more to live up to everything she's always wanted to be, eh? yeah, and another word for all of those concepts is divorcee.

i've met a lot of women, both blog-friends and life-friends, who are divorcing, considering divorce, or have finished the process. though the experience is harrowing (even for those of us with no kids and no stuff to fight over), and it causes pain and unexpected levels of sorrow, the end result of the whole thing is... lightness. you feel like yourself again, but better, improved, forged in fire and tougher than steel. you survived, you made the right choice, and the world is your oyster.

i got the following statement told to me a lot when i was back in my louisiana homeland: you look so much lighter these days. and you know? i am. i feel free, unburdened. the troubles that weighed me down and made me dour, dark, and angry are gone. in their place is this sense that, hell, i got through it, and i lived. i can do anything i want now. i feel like the joy of getting back to the life i wanted to live shines through every pore, making me glow in the light of my own strength. and i think that's why this stupid little pop song is so stupidly life-affirming to me. i am here to show y'all what i'm worth, let my colors burst and shoot across the sky. i own the night. i let it shine.

boom, boom, boom, y'all.

bonne blog-iversaire a moi

yesterday, i said that today was a pretty big milestone. well, it is: it's my one-year blog-iversary. i started this little internet outpost for my writings one year ago today.

it was just another day in my law-school career, which meant it was full of class, activities and the dull, thudding sense that something was drastically wrong in my life. i spent a lot of law school feeling that way, as a quick spin through my archives will show you. but a funny thing happened: i started writing on it. i wrote the angst, the sorrow, the anger, and my reactions to it. i changed names and details, but yeah, the essence of the stories were pretty much my life.

and you came. my little band of online compatriots started reacting, and here we are a year later. i don't know what i'd do without my interactions with y'all. in a real, true sense, y'all helped me work out my problems, clarified some decisions, and got me over the hump. blogging is better than therapy. i've been there, and let me tell you, therapy did not get it done for me. but putting this story out there in front of god and everybody, free to be googled for anyone's perusal, forced me to take a look at my life in ways i'd never been willing to before.

this blog also could have caused me some serious trouble. a few people - and if you're still reading, you know who you are - decided that my writings were worthy of a) being spread all over my law school like a stolen diary, b) forwarded to potential professional contacts, and c) being "reported" to my ex. (ha - like i'd ever be dumb enough to blog without telling him about it.) now, these are things that could have seriously screwed me. it was surely a spiteful and ridiculous way to behave, and it was undoubtedly an attempt by silly people to get some kind of leg up on me. i'll never understand the urge people get to want to "destroy" others.

but it's funny what ended up happening. i got some pageviews out of the deal. i never lost an interview, got a bad grade or suffered in real life for this. not only that, it came to my attention recently that a member of the legal community ended up getting this link sent to him. this man is a highly-placed lawyer, someone who, if he wanted to, could have ended my career before it began. instead, his reaction was to tell the person who recounted this to me, "anyone spiteful enough to try to do this to a classmate is someone i wouldn't trust further than i could throw. they will never work for me, nor will they ever work for anyone i know." ha. haha. hahahaha. it's so nice when the good guys win, eh?

so thanks. thanks for reading, reacting, lurking or laughing. thanks for being there for me. i love the little blog community i'm part of, both here in DC and all over the country. it's been one hell of a year. here's to many, many more...

cookies

i am waiting to go to bed until the sugar cookies cool. it's been that kind of magical day, despite the extreme annoyance that was three inches of snow falling on our little urban wonderland. with the semester finally, blessedly over, i was free today to take care of all of the loose ends that came unraveled while i concentrated on school stuff. that meant laundry, cleaning, stocking up the house and getting ready to go on my road trip.

i leave tomorrow to start a long, amazing trek that starts in the metro area, loops through louisiana and alabama before terminating at my grandparents' place in georgia. in anticipation of this, i've spent today preparing. my roots are touched up, i've got new clothes, and all i have to do is load up the rental car and hit the highway tomorrow. i'll miss the city. i'll miss my man. but i cannot WAIT to reconnect with my friends and my crazy family. this has been a long time coming, and i am so ready.

but tonight, i'll curl up in bed with my man one last time before we separate for christmas. we'll eat cookies and enjoy one another for one more night. the moonlight on the snow is pretty through the windows. peaceful. restful.

like home, wouldn't you say?

lights

being a filthy no-account heathen, the whole reason for christmas - the birth of jesus - doesn't really register with me. but that is not going to stop me from eating up every single second of the secular-cultural fun side of the winter holiday carnival. i freaking LOVE christmas. it's the one thing that justifies the existence of winter weather (well, that and hot chocolate with marshmallows in it).

i went to dinner with the man last night. when we got back to his place, i noticed that his neighbors across the street (the nice, responsible ones with the baby, not the horrifically obnoxious drunken 20-year-olds) had strung tiny multicolored lights in the tree in their yard. nothing outlandish; in the ex's neighborhood, there's one of THOSE houses. y'know, those people who seem to thrive on being a) unspeakably tacky, b) as ecologically wasteful as humanly possible, and c) visible from freaking space with all their lights, inflatables, moving things, etc. just a simple arrangement of pretty lights in a tree. so unbelievably beautiful.

there's nothing like christmas decorations. the non-religious parts of the holiday are things that everyone can agree on: love, friendship, warmth, and light.  the good, small things that make this life worth living. that's the best part of this year. and we could all use a lot more of it, no doubt about it.

a rich, full day

so here it is. thirty days, thirty posts. (i am so counting the double post the other day to get me over the hump. i wrote it; it's valid.) and what a day to finish, too.

i write you today basking in the glow of my first successful court case as a practicing attorney. who cares that it was only getting my client out of traffic tickets? i WON. and it was a beautiful, amazing feeling to call up the client and say, "congratulations! you won!" that made him so happy, and it was something i could help him get. that's what being a lawyer should be. (i write this as i sit in my private wealth planning seminar, where we're talking about how to legally shelter millions of dollars in the uber-rich's cash and property from as much tax as possible. yeah, there's a lot that's not so nice about the law.)

the peak-and-valley cycle has hit a peak. i'm so happy. i'm tired as hell, because i had to wake up at the crack of dawn to drive to the pastoral wonderland in which my client got his ticket, but i'm so freaking pleased. i know i've made the right choice in my career. things will be... okay. it'll take awhile, but it'll be okay. let's do some blessing-counting (yeah, yeah, an atheist counting blessings - it's weird).

1) i'm alive, in basically decent health.
2) i can feed myself (with some financial help - not great, but okay).
3) i have an amazing family that rallies around me and admires me.
4) my boyfriend is... well, he defies categorization, really. he's perfect for me.
5) my friends, far and wide, real-life and digital, ROCK.
6) i have a good career plan, with possibilities to get great soon.

see? it's all... if not good, then heading there soon. days like this encourage me, give me faith, and keep me going. not to mention the fact that i am going to sleep the sleep of the just when i get home tonight. it's a damn good day, full of damn good things. sometimes, it's just that simple.
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woo-hoo, and this is post #200 to boot! fun. thanks again for hanging out with me in my little corner of the internet. i love my readers dearly; y'all are FABULOUS. :)

liminal

liminal. adjective. 1) pertaining to a threshold or entrance; 2) relating to a beginning or the first stage of a process.

being the chronic examiner of my past that i am, i've spent a huge amount of time thinking about the moments in my life that have tripped switches, triggered changes and started me on various paths. more often than not, these examinations have started in the midst of crises or problems, usually focused on, "my god, how did i get here?" kinds of inquiries. really fun, let me tell you.

but not this time. not even close. this time, my liminal moment is... well, intriguing. interesting. my curiosity is piqued beyond belief. such a small thing - words exchanged on a sticky summer night - but oh, so fraught with options. the best kind of options at that: the kind without expectations, rules, etc. all i need to do, all i feel compelled to do, is to ride the wave and watch this unfold.

so. many. possibilities. i can't wait to see what happens next. the threshold's crossed. what's on the other side?

[smile]

my life these days, by necessity, is quite small. i study, and i take an occasional break from the crushing weight of the biggest test i'll take in my life. but every so often there are small moments of simple transcendence that sweep in and remind me that everything's going to be okay. i got one of those today.

it's been a pretty rotten day, frankly. i woke up early feeling rotten after being up late feeling stressed. i dozed, i took a phone call, then i hit the books. i ran an errand that did not end well, and then, nerves shot beyond all recognition, i set out for dinner with my stepmom. i settled down over dinner, but i was still feeling really frayed and weary.

then i took a cab home. (my stepmom didn't want me to walk from the train alone. sweet, eh?) and the cab driver and i had a fabulous, warm and hilarious conversation about life in the metro DC area. he dropped me off, and i am now ready to spend another hour or so working. nothing like a little recharge like that to get me out of my head and remind me what matters.
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hey. how 'bout this - it's my 100th post. i'd like to take this time to thank y'all out there in blog-land. i've had a fabulous time getting to know my readers, discovering other people's work and generally taking advantage of this side of the internet. here's to many, many more. stick with me; it'll be fun. :)

validation

sometimes, the universe comes through for you in ways you just never saw coming. today was the bar review "mid-term," so to speak - a SEVEN-HOUR mock-up of the second day of the virginia bar exam. yuck, yuck, yuck. i slogged through it, knowing i am not close to where i want to be in a couple of subjects, and came home just enervated as hell, not wanting to look at a law book. i wanted to drink wine and read a novel instead of attacking the books again.

then i checked the mail. i got my certificate of appreciation from my externship class from last semester at school, but there was something else in the envelope along with it. turns out that a huge project i did during that three months at the court has now become binding precedent - in other words, the law - in the circuit where i worked. let me tell you, there is NOTHING cooler to a law dork such as myself as knowing that words i drafted are going into the southern reporter, to be researched and potentially cited someday.

this is why i do what i do. this is exactly why i kill myself like this. i am going to be a lawyer. i love the law, i love working with it, and i love the results of what i do. so thank you, universe, for the supreme reminder of why i'm sitting here surrounded by notecards and outlines on this hot summer night. you've saved my drive, my motivation and my satisfaction with my chosen profession. i needed that.

let freedom ring

happy 234th, america. you're a fabulous country, full of spirit, bombast and outsized attitude. that often gets you in trouble, but it's also what makes you great. you're founded on all the right things - openness, equality, opportunity - and it only takes a little prodding to get you to remember that. within reason, people can achieve stellar things in the american land.

so here's to ya, old girl. you're the country that formed me. here's to the people, everywhere here and abroad, who do great work to keep things as sane as possible. here's to the best and brightest of our national character winning out over the smaller, meaner threads of our crazy quilt. here's to fireworks, grilled food, adult libations and sunshine. here's to the stars and stripes. you've done all right for yourself over the last 2 1/2 centuries. let's keep the streak alive.

soul food

tonight was a big damn deal for me. i mean HUGE. i did something i never, ever do: i went out socially ALONE, to a bar, just to talk to people. i have been described as someone who likes to be around people, to the point where i was told (disdainfully) that, "you're... SOCIAL." but i usually need at least one other person with me as backup to truly shine. i mean, in my old life, when i was sent out into the world to network, i would totally shut down without someone from the office there with me as support.

well, given what i'm in the process of doing to my emotional and social life, that's just not gonna fly. i can't rely on others to charge my batteries; if i want to go and do, i can't sit around and wait for partners in crime. so tonight i put the books down, dolled myself up and swaggered on into a downtown watering hole 100% solo. and you know something? i did not die. no one hurt me, i was not laughed at. in fact, i started conversations with total strangers that led to actual connections. it was fun. and moreover, i was myself without any kind of spurring or crutches. i didn't need someone standing there with me to validate my presence. i did it. and it felt really, really good.

and by god, that counts for a lot. i can do this. i will do this. i got the deeply vital social interaction that i need, and i got it without help. damn. moving forward may not be so hard after all.

chia-like, i shall grow

thanks to a random act of bloggy generosity, i went to a wine tasting today. (thanks!) it was just the sort of thing i used to love to do in my old life, the one thing i liked to do for myself in the time when i wasn't myself. i really like good wine, learning about it, discovering new blends, vintages, vineyards, etc. after i went to the tasting, a new friend and i went to dinner at one of my favorite places in this town. dinner on the patio, right there in the smack middle of the crazy busy city that i love so well.

tonight, for the first time since all the weirdness began a few years back, i finally started to get a sense that a corner has been rounded. yeah, the next few months are going to hurt like a bastard. there's no getting around this. but there are little green tendrils of hope sprouting in my life. i'm starting to prove to myself that i, alone, can forge a life. i knew this intellectually all along, mind you, but there's a huge element of fear attached to making a change of this magnitude. i can now look at myself in the mirror and say, "self, you can do this. look; here's the evidence." with careful attention to detail, and a willingness to cast off the reticence and just freaking DO IT ALREADY, this will happen.

hell. i got myself a law degree in the midst of all of this. if i can do that, i can do ANYTHING. i can emerge from this fog, blink into the sun and get a freaking LIFE, even if it happens a decade too late. those little sprouts will become a pretty nice garden if i tend them right. tonight was the first step. let's do the damn thing.

all falling into place

one week. one lousy week left in the bible belt. a mere seven days from now, i will be steadily rolling up the interstate, back to the place and people i love. i made the final arrangements today, and it's all locked down.

my reflections on my time here are complex, to say the least. that essay is coming for sure. but one thing is very clear: i cannot wait to get on with my life. i am thrilled beyond measure to tick down the seconds. so tonight, i'll raise a glass (or eight) with my beloved classmates and friends one last time. then i'll go home, pack some boxes, say my goodbyes, and drive out of here with the radio blasting and the sun shining all the way down the road ahead.

it's been a long time coming.

the en-sleek-ening: summing up [TRUE STORY]

well, thus ends the 30-day yoga boot camp. here are the stats:

classes purchased: 30
classes taken: 27 (missed one for a 101-degree fever, one for the end of law school, and today for the sunburn from hell)
pounds lost: 8-10, depending on the day. it's vacillated.

that's pretty much all i can give you for hard data. but man, oh man, do i feel so much better! i am supremely happy, i'm definitely toned up (especially in my arms), i can do a ten-breath shoulder stand without wobbling, and i'm a lot more flexible than i was at the start. i can put both my heels down when i'm in down dog, i can almost touch my chest to my legs in forward fold, and i feel like my old dancer-girl self again. this is one of the best things i've done for myself in a long, long time. i won't stick to the same strict regime i've followed this month, most likely, especially not with all the craziness to come in may, but i will keep taking classes, and i will work at least some sun salutations into my day as often as possible.

yoga. it works, bitches. :)

down dog

the intensive 30-day yoga program is on. today will be day 4, and despite a persistent mild lower-back strain from still not being able to bring my legs out of a shoulder stand in any type of controlled manner, i am feeling pretty freaking awesome. the scale's a little lower, yes, but my mind is very clear, and that's the real benefit of all of this.

i'm not super-enthused about the spiritual aspects of yoga. i don't really like chanting "om," or talking about being in a space of god, or all that. my feelings on the sky-daddy thing are well documented. but leaving all that aside, there is something really mentally freeing about a 75-minute yoga class. i don't know if it's psychosomatic or real, but i have my theories. mainly, i think it's that yoga forces me to devote every ounce of mental and physical energy to the practice. check my balance, check my breathing, etc. i need to be dragged kicking and screaming out of my own head every once in awhile, and bridge pose makes that possible.

i've started reading hannah, just breathe... more regularly, and she does a fantastic job of encapsulating this sort of thing. better living through yoga and all that. i've started and stopped with yoga probably 10 times in the last decade. it's finally starting to click with me what the point is. that'll keep me coming back for sure now.

and hell - it's almost swimsuit season, right? :)

sunshine

i spend a lot of time on this blog fussing, whining, sorting out drama and picking my life apart. but today is just not that kind of day. there's far too much to be happy about today: two classes cancelled/excused; several hours of (gasp!) down time; a trip out of town to look forward to; and tons upon tons of glorious, amazing spring sunshine.

i have what i personally describe as reverse seasonal affective disorder. i don't get super-bummed in the winter, although i am a little draggy. what happens to me is that when it starts getting warm and sunny, i get a big jolt of endorphins the second the sun hits my skin. it is INSTANTANEOUS. i walked outside today to throw something in the dumpster, for god's sake, and i was struck with the urge to run around in the grass like a five-year-old kid. it is so nice.

so i sit here with my window open, smelling the spring-scented air, staring at the green trees and soaking in every single drop of beautiful weather that i can get to. i have no complaints today. the only thing i could want more than what i have right now is for this afternoon to last a few hours longer than it will...