let it rain

[your soundtrack]

"you see the struggle on my face, you see it storming in my eye; you see it heavy on my shoulder, you see me swaying on the line..."

there was a time when i was better at hiding this. this girl was a master of disguise. i mean, hell, i could dance for you even when i was bleeding inside. i lived a double life for so long that i got really used to the feeling of being split in half. and then a funny thing happened: the strain broke through the mask, and i lost the capability to hide the hurt anymore. i don’t know what it was. maybe it was watching the end turn so ugly. maybe it was finally being honest and owning up to the insufficiency of the friends-with-benefits setup, coming clean about my feelings, and (to my great surprise) getting exactly what i wanted. whatever it is, i can’t keep how much it hurts, how angry i am, inside anymore. if you look at me, you’ll see it.

"bring on the troubles of the morning and the stories of my life; look up above, the clouds are forming and i’m not gonna hide..."

so why not own this? my life is hard as hell these days. everyone can see it, and i’m apparently the last person alive to acknowledge it. bring on the struggle. let me take it on with arms wide open, and if the pain shows through, i should have the decency to own up to the fact that i’m hurting. making myself a martyr only hurts me. well, me and everyone who has to deal with me while i’m carrying on like this. (see also my beloved boyfriend for the last few weeks.) the only way to keep it from swallowing me whole is to come out from behind the front and own it all.

"i’m not getting any younger, i took the longer road; and i know it’s made me stronger out here on my own..."

the man (as well as my friends and family) always says he’s proud of me for everything i’ve done and earned in my life. he tells me how strong i am, how tough i am. not only that, he tells me that i’m tougher than i think i am, and certainly stronger than i give myself credit for being. i think i’m finally starting to understand that he’s right. the things i’ve suffered through, as he told me, would have destroyed weaker people. funny how it’s taken him to finally drive that through my thick skull, but it’s true. i have struggled – oh, lord, how i have struggled – and i’m better for it. i’m far more of a complete person than someone who’s been through nothing.

"let it rain on me, let my shelter crumble down; take it all away, don’t need no one to save me now..."

i will rely on those who love me to support me. i’ve seen the results of the stubborn insistence on standing as the lone wolf in front of them and “proving” how “independent” i am. it is not pretty. but at the end of the day, no one can save me but me. i have to be accountable to myself; there’s no way around it. so let the walls fall down, and bring on whatever challenge there is. with the help and faith of those who love me, i’ll make it through everything. i will win. there’s no other choice.

impatience

i don't wait well. it's a weakness of mine; if something important is coming up, i am on freaking tenterhooks until it happens. case in point: i am currently waiting for my student loan disbursement. five business days is INTERMINABLE when you have a ton of things to buy. i'm antsy as hell waiting for the direct deposit to show up.

but this impatience pales in comparison with the waiting game i have to play now. i wonder if this is how people in jail feel as their sentences wind down. i am so. damn. close. to having absolutely everything i have ever wanted in this life. there's just the matter of having to snip those last few threads of entanglement before i can get totally free. i have no choice in the matter, either; there's just no way to advance the timetable.

all i can do is think about how little time is really left. i've waited this long. i can wait a little longer.

suffer the children

over the last two years in particular, i've noticed a certain feeling that comes over me when i'm being tested. the physical sensation that comes over me is much like a wall going up around my heart. the thought that crosses my mind is, "why the hell should i be put through such agony?" i have never understood why people take all the lumps of life without pushing against them. do people expect misery as a part of life?

and lo, here came this blog post. the myth of redemptive suffering. i've beaten this horse a time or two already on this blog. i have always chalked a lot of our society's problems in general to this idea that misery is necessary to reach some kind of higher achievement in this life (and the next). for so many reasons, i don't go for that idea.

one of the quotes that hit me where i live is, "atheists have only their own, ongoing concept of decent behavior to get them through the hard times: suffering need have no cosmic meaning for a decent person to know that the only proper moral response is to try to ease the pain. ... our only ethical injunction is to cause as little suffering as possible and to try to alleviate it when and where we find it." so true, and i'm so good at that... except when it comes to my personal life.

suffering. yeah, that's pretty much where i am all the time. i work hard to keep the facade up, but it hurts. it hurts to be stuck. it hurts to hurt him. it hurts to not be able to do what i want. i don't understand this, and i know there's nothing i can do. but it's not noble, it's not good, and "my reward is not in the next world." the hurt i'm going through, temporary though (i hope to all things on this earth) it is, will not gain me anything. and yet here it is. suffering makes NO SENSE. but it's part of life. all i can do is persevere.