baby, baby, baby

i am twenty-nine. that means that i am in that sweet spot chronologically where everyone i freaking know, it seems, is having a kid, has just had a kid or is trying to have a kid. babies are absolutely everywhere. i'd say it's something in the water, but it's nationwide.

now, babies are about the cutest things on the planet. they're also intimidating as hell. i swore up, down and sideways that i'd never go there. i never wanted to be someone's mama. but then, a funny thing happened. of all people, the man stepped in. this was long before he was the man, when he was just my best friend. i mentioned this to him late one night in the middle of the breakup of my marriage, how there's just no way i'd ever have a kid.

"eh, you'll change your mind."
i literally did a double-take. "what?"
"you'll change your mind." he took a sip of his beer. "i know full well you don't mean that."
"what the hell are you talking about?" how surreal is this? talking about reproduction with you? WEIRD. just... WEIRD.
"i think that when you find the right partner, the right person, you'll feel a lot differently about the subject. you'll be an excellent mother someday."

now, this whole conversation has taken on an obviously different light now that my partner is, well, him, but at the time, this was staggering. the wholesale endorsement of my ability to raise a kid was flattering and reassuring. and sure enough, he's right. i did change my mind. it really wasn't "i don't want to have a kid." it was, "i don't want to have a kid WITH YOU."

is there any topic more fraught with angst for a woman of childbearing age? there's an emotional or societal landmine about every tenth of a second. it's crazy. and i always thought i was above the fray. but then the man and i went to visit our friend's brand-new baby son in the hospital the day after he was born. i held that little guy in my arms and talked to him. the man, after some coaching, did the same (terrified though he was). that cher bebe, looking up expectantly at all of us, taking us all in... wow. for the first time in my life, i really felt that pang. holy hell. i think i want one.

there will be a lot more on this topic going forward, i think. there's so much to stew over. but the one thing i know for sure is this: my life just got one hell of a lot more complicated.

a place for everything

quite out of nowhere, and no one's more surprised than i am about this, i have developed a neat streak. don't freak, those who know me in real life; it's far from a perfect, obsessive level of neatness. i've been a piler - and let's be honest, a slobby one - my whole life. i was a classic type-B kid, messy room, unorganized class notebooks and a general "it'll be done in time, no need to worry about how" attitude. but now? by way of demonstration, today is my off day from class, and i spent the whole day cleaning, doing laundry and reorganizing.

maybe it was law school that did this to me. you just CAN'T be unorganized if you want to get through that pressure cooker alive. my class notes for my JD were so neat, so systematic, that you'd either bow down before me or report me for psychiatric treatment, depending on your attitude. that approach seems to have flowed into my personal life of late, too. the laundry i did today is folded and put away. my books are all on their shelf (with a separate bookcase for law books). there are neat stacks of magazines and books to be read. my DVDs are alphabetized. my closet is grouped by type of clothing. my shoes are all in shoe organizers. my pictures are hung. my jewelry is sorted. hell, my bed is made. that's just CRAZY.

or maybe it's just maturity. i am almost 30. maybe that's too old to be living amid the kind of chaos that was my room at age 15. adulthood changed me in a lot of ways, helped me reorient my priorities and really pay attention to what i wanted. maybe i want to care about the way my room looks, too.

either way, i know for a fact that my dad would fall out if he could see my room right now, cleaned and neatened of my own volition. perhaps the why is unimportant. in any event, the result is pretty damn nice.
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programming note: so tomorrow is a big day around the ol' blog. stay tuned for the commemoration of one hell of a milestone...