all falling into place

feeling like this worries me. it's in my nature. when things are this nice, this even, this fulfilling... well, damn. it makes me jumpy. i mean, it's not a cynic's way to look at life and see 72 degrees and sunny all over the place. i am much more accustomed to the agitation, the drama, the uncertainty. but life has provided me with untold amounts of comfort and assurance in the past few days.

my graduate program started tonight. and despite the fact that they gave as much time to the campus ministry staff that they did to the tax law program, it was a wonderful experience. i had pleasant conversations with a couple of potential new friends and got myself used to my new academic home. after the program ended, i took the train home, walked into my new apartment and took a good look around. there are still boxes freaking everywhere, but it's really starting to look and feel like home. damn if i'm not proud when i look at this place. it screams, well, me. my diplomas hang on the wall. it's just chocked to the gills with the sense of being MINE. i haven't felt this way about a space in which i've lived in, well, never, actually.

as i live and breathe. it's weird to say this in a season of what should be mourning the past, what's ending, and what i'm leaving behind, but i am so damn content i can't stand it. the future is so full of promise that it's ridiculous to even contemplate. i have no idea what it'll be, but there's a lot of good in front of me. i'm about to go through a tough academic year that will open doors for me that i never foresaw even being able to come near. i've got the love and comfort of good, close friends. i'm about to end some associations that have only held me back.

it's enough to make a girl believe. almost.

rumspringa

[definition]

american society in the twenty-first century is a cocktail of conflicting impulses so strong that we're all a little drunk, stumbling around trying to make sense of it. i mean, there are so many possibilities in the world these days, but we're all still hamstrung by nineteenth- and twentieth-century conceptions of social interactions. it's a wonder there's not more outright rebellion against these strictures.

the new york times had a long, drawn-out article about growing up today. apparently, people are just now realizing that modern young adults are taking a look around and outwardly questioning the way things are. the article, though it does strive to be objective, has a tinge of disapproval running through it. i mean, every large-scale social change we've ever had has come with a large dose of opprobrium from the old-school standard bearers in the world, and what's more old-school than the old gray lady? but towards the end of the article, there's a passing mention of how we can alter our conception of young adulthood. the author floats the idea of a season of release from the strictures of traditional maturity, allowing people to explore options and just... live... without worrying about judgment or criticism.

yeah. like that'll ever happen as long as someone keeps giving sarah palin and her ilk camera time or access to twitter. there's a billion-dollar industry devoted to pearl-clutching over societal evolution, and it's way too wedded to the powers that be to ever have hope of real change. sigh.

so those of us who seek something better, something truer, something more realistic than the old way of life are forced to exist in the shadow of this judgment. i've decided that i don't need a social revolution to start a personal revolution. i choose to live for myself in ways that most people who subscribe to a standard system of beliefs, ideology, etc. probably wouldn't enjoy. i was told once by one of the few people who know the full truth about my life that i am brave for doing this. i don't find it to be bravery, exactly. i find it to be perhaps the purest form of authenticity i can achieve. i have to do what i see fit.

there is collateral damage in my new way of life; for that, i'm sorry. i really am. i wish there was a way to be true to myself without hurting people. but there's always destruction in a revolution. i choose to leave my old life, my old slavery to things that please others, and pursue a route that pleases me. perhaps someday i'll come back to the fold, as many youth set free on rumspringa do. but there's an excellent chance that being true to myself is a permanent development. if that's the case, so be it. there's a freedom in total self-devotion that, frankly, i relish beyond all belief. it's going to be hard as hell to go back now that i've tasted it...

clarity

i am often accused of being somewhat overconfident. not surprising; i am an egotistical only child. the world may not revolve around me, but by god, it should. this sense of sureness in the moment can sometimes lead me to make some insane choices. the phrase "it seemed like a good idea at the time" may very well be my epitaph.

there have been times in this slog through emotional purgatory that i've felt that the choice to break free and start anew was one of those good ideas at the time, that i'd eventually come to regret it and want nothing more to be back in that comfortable, sweet place i used to have. it is with great pleasure that i can announce that, for once in my life, i have 100% made the right decision.

i've had a lot of opportunity this week to throw in the towel, open my arms back up and say, let's forget all this and try one more time. that idea has, for lack of a better term, been forced down my throat. it's been all i could do to maintain my composure - and it's been a serious challenge - but there hasn't been a single moment when i've been tempted. in fact, this has been a forge, tempering my resolve into the strongest steel possible. i have never been more correct in my assessment of something than i have with this. i am on the right path. as soon as the mandatory clock runs, i will be a free bitch, baby. and it will be exactly correct. the way forward has never, ever been this clear.