well. that happened.

so a follow-up from yesterday. not to scare anybody, but as it happens, i was due for a freak-out, and it came with a vengeance after i left y'all. i'm OK, first off. nothing life- or limb-threatening happened. but it was a long, dark night.

some things i'd like to say:
1) there is a long string of counseling appointments in my future, starting tomorrow. (i've already been to speak to the nice folks at the counseling office here at school, before you ask.)

2) i am officially off alcohol for the rest of the semester. that's something i just do NOT need. it does not help anything. and for a red-wine lover like myself, this is a big damn deal.

3) to the man, if he reads this (and i don't think he does, but it's worth saying): thank you, love. things will be under control. i will handle this.

strangely, though there's a lot of work yet to do, i feel a lot less... pent-up, i guess, after last night. the dam burst, and though it's messy and there's a lot of cleaning up that'll follow this, the pressure i was feeling, building up inside me, has eased. i may be a little more all over the place than usual, a lot less linear, but at least it's all coming out. and that's a good thing. that's a very good thing.

one step at a time. and this too shall pass. i feel it now more than ever.

type A

i will totally cop to being a borderline obsessive planner. i like things to be set up, a certain way, well in advance of actually getting there. let's just say that i'm not the kind of girl who digs a surprise party. i like to know what's going to happen.

so it really, really, REALLY grinds my gears when people who are supposed to be in charge of setting an agenda just... don't. look. it's november. the semester will be over in one month and seven days. now is just not the time to tweak your freaking syllabus! i cannot deal with... to call what this is "disorganization" drastically insults the disorganized.

i was not always this way. those who knew me as a teenager are consistently amused by my need to have everything set up. (they are comforted by the knowledge that my pickiness has not translated into keeping my room clean. i'm still messy.) but my new life, my newly-molded orderly and logical mind, demands a certain amount of order. i can't really function without it. and by god, it cannot POSSIBLY be that challenging to set up a semester before it starts. really.

chain stitch

i have spent the entire day sitting at a sewing machine. no, it isn't 1950; i haven't discovered a brand-new suzy homemaker personality under the go-getter attorney. i, because i am far too nice for my own good, apparently, willingly volunteered to help the man's roommate with his halloween group costume magnum opus. you would not BELIEVE how difficult it is to find a red tunic big enough for a former high-school football player. so i said, "no big deal. i'll sew it for you."

ha. great idea, mags. really great. three hours of shopping for notions, during which we all nearly killed each other. two more hours of cutting and measuring. and the piece de resistance: four and a half hours of sewing the damn thing together. actual operation of sewing machine? maybe an hour. MAYBE. the rest of it was spent staring at pieces of cloth, thinking, there is no way in hell that i am this stupid, but how the hell does this piece attach to that one?!?!?!? but at long last, it's done, and not a moment too soon.

i am running on fumes these days. it's shown in my writing, but there are major stresses in my life. i won't even detail the latest blow to my life, because a) it wouldn't be prudent, given the tone things have taken, and b) i don't think there are words to describe how it makes me feel. suffice it to say that, in a few major respects, life could not get a whole lot worse.

now, i say that. but really, that doom and gloom only really covers a couple of parts of my life. it feels huge, overwhelming, but there's a lot of good to be had in my world these days. i mean, i reached my biggest goal: i'm a lawyer. i passed a bar exam. school seems to be going pretty well, though it's stressing me out. (that's the stress i'm used to, though, so i hardly count it as stress.) in a few days, i'll hold up my right hand and affirm to uphold the constitution in my new vocation.

and the biggest reason my life is not taken over completely by darkness? i'm sitting in his room writing this right now. last night was the lowest point in my troubles. i couldn't even pretend. he asked me, "are you okay?" all i could do was shake my head. but he insisted on sitting next to me, kissing my shoulder, talking me down. he would not rest until he was sure i was going to be okay, at least in the short term. i said, "thank you for listening." he said, "it's my job, and it has been for a long time." he's right about that, too.

we're stitched together, he and i, in a lot of ways. i suppose we always have been. but now more than ever, those threads are so vital to my sanity. his loyalty and his dedication to me have been among the few constants of my life. now that he's more to me than he ever has been, they've taken on a new meaning. i need him as much as i love him, i want him, i enjoy him. and he's more than willing to stay with me. the ties that bind us hold more than a relationship together. they hold the pieces of my heart together. i couldn't trust him with that job more.

god of love, hear our prayer

standing still for this is such an exquisite form of torture. how is it possible to feel pride, happiness, contempt and shame for a situation all at once? i will never understand how a few platitudes, heavily scripted in the name of spectacle and braggadocio, can stir such deep emotional currents. but here we are. the atheist, the whore, the charlatan, standing here in perfect character as a good upstanding woman of faith and charity. "god of love, hear our prayer." warm words of christian fellowship. touching.

i know how to wear the costume, the mask. i hit my marks perfectly, learn every line and recite them with a smile. i make this look good, too. but that's the fun of it, even though it kills me. i love knowing what no one else knows - while you stand here offering your blessing, showering godly praise on the happy family fabric woven before you, i am the agent of chaos. i stand in the midst of the fabric, slowly pulling threads at my whim and caprice. i am so far above all of this, and you'll never know.

that is, until the charade finally collapses, once and for all. my life is so beyond your traditional conceptions of reality. i want nothing more than to stand in the rubble and laugh at your woeful underestimation of my ruthless efficiency.

god of chaos, hear my prayer.

platonic

here's how you know you really, really love one of your friends. you see this person in trouble, you go out of your way to support your friend through a horrifically rough time, and when you know full good and well you could get exactly what you want, you pull yourself back from the edge and say no. impulse control, in spite of alcohol, temptation, and incredibly open talk. that's how you know you walk the walk and talk the talk with your friends. that's how you know that sometimes, just sometimes, it's enough to be a friend to someone. you don't have to be anything more, regardless of how immediately desirable it would be. the mere threat of long-term disaster, not to mention the fact that there's always a morning after that changes how things look, is enough to pull you back from the brink. and believe me, there's always a brink there. but being able to look that danger in the face and turn it back? well. that's how you know you're really a friend, someone who can be trusted to help someone in need. there's an element of pride in that, no matter how tempting the short-term gain is. if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. but vulnerability, pain, and sorrow are only beaten back with restraint, empathy, and long-term vision. and if you can do that, well, you've already proven your worth as a friend.

conundrum

oh, freaking hell. and just like that, life gets complicated as anything again. basically, it breaks down like this. i have two scenarios from which to choose, both of which have good and bad points. the choice i make - and it must be made as soon as possible - will have serious repercussions on my future. not excessively self-reflective, i-think-they're-serious-but-they're-really-not repercussions, but the real deal. i literally have no idea what to do.

scenario #1
pros: i get to go home. i go back to my hometown, to an amazing grad program in my favorite place on earth. i get incredible, prestigious professional training.
cons: i have to move there as a married woman, putting a serious delay in my plans to be free.

scenario #2
pros: i get to be free. i get to live in a new city. i get pretty good professional training at a pretty well-respected grad program. i also get to do this without any restrictions on my personal life.
cons: i'd have to turn down the best program i got into to do this.

ugh. rational self-interest is my new watchword; i try to do the best possible thing for myself at all times these days. but there's a big problem here. what's best for me professionally and what's best for me personally are not the same here. i'd have to seriously undercut myself professionally to do the best thing personally. conversely, i'd have to seriously undercut myself personally to do the best thing professionally. this is the hardest choice i've ever had to make, and i have a matter of days to make it.

i know i said before that i was going to start relying on myself more often. but this one's too big for me. i'm opening the floor for advice. what would you do? no promises that i'll actually do what the consensus suggests, but i definitely need some input here. i've never been this lost in my life. help!

unmitigated chaos

traveling is so much fun... except the act of getting where you're going. air travel in particular, as we've all gotten used to in the last 8 1/2 years, has just become the biggest bitch to deal with ever. and that's on a day when the sun is shining.

enter snow-pocalypse redux. i'm in the airport right now, hearing celine dion caterwauling "my heart will go on" (over the music playing on my ipod), waiting with bated breath to get on what is probably going to be the last flight into DC for a solid three days. see, i made the apparently terrible mistake of deciding to watch the super bowl with my nearest and dearest again this year. ha, ha. joke's on me. with a potential for 26 inches of snow this weekend, i've had to reschedule flights three times. in order to make this one, the last hope i have of getting there before the snow, i had to drive for six hours to get to an airport that's two states away. GAAH.

i've been awake for 22 hours and counting. i drove in that condition. when i land at the airport, i still have to take a commuter train, then the metro (subway, for those of you not familiar with DC), and then walk about half a mile before i get home to crash. then i have to figure out when/how to take the metro to my friends' place. all while dealing with 2" of snowfall per hour for around 13 hours. this could get ugly quick.

i hate snow. i really do. when i was a kid, snow was fun. then i went through a blizzard as a working adult, and now i never want to see that fluffy white scourge ever again. there's nothing amusing about this. this is a nightmare. all i wanted to do was see my friends. it shouldn't be this hard. sigh...