the end is the beginning is the end

well, that's it. seven semesters. thirty-eight courses. august 2007 through today. i have completed law school. my last exam ended two hours ago. it's too soon for any real perspective, so i'll leave you all simply with what first came to mind:

dear law school,

thank you. for everything. you broke me down, you built me up again. you changed my mind, my outlook, my way of thinking. you demanded more of me than i ever could've imagined. i like to think i met the challenge head-on. but most of all, you gave me back the parts of myself i thought i'd lost forever. for that, i will be eternally grateful, whatever lies ahead.

with love and gratitude, magnolia

maybe other people are just so happy to get it over with and earn that they don't feel this way. to me, this was the most vital part of the whole process: the education. and good god, did i ever get one. we'll see what happens going forward, but i know now that i can handle whatever it happens to be.

like a laser

spring studying is just the worst. but this spring, more than any other since i graduated from high school (way longer ago than i care to contemplate), i cannot lock it down and get the tunnel vision i need to plow through. i mean, damn - the whole sorry operation is over in TEN DAYS. i'm one week from my first exam. and yet, i sit here blogging, which, while fun, is not studying. sigh. i know that this stuff matters, but it is SO FREAKING HARD to stay in the moment.

this is a theme in my life. i'm always either projecting forward or gazing back longingly. this time, it's really bad - in such a short amount of time, i get to go home. i basically live for that moment. but i have three more hurdles to clear before i can kiss this all goodbye, and i know this. so it's time to redouble my effort something fierce, and it's time to get in my head how important the next ten days are. these three exams are the keys to my escape. buckle down. one foot in front of the other. let's go get it. my way out relies on this...

high roller [TRUE STORY]

i was never rich. i was never poor, either. well, at least not that i ever knew. when i was a kid, i never wanted for anything. we had a decent, not-too-special place to live, cars for both parents (and later for me), dinners in restaurants, and many, many, MANY expensive extracurricular activities. i didn't know how much my dad gave up in his life to make damn sure i never had to go without something important to me. (yet another reason why i admire the hell out of my dad.)

so i came to my professional life with a sense of gratitude to the level of pay i received for my services. i always appreciated my jobs, even when they sucked. i came to law school to get a grounding in my profession of choice, not necessarily to be rich. that'd be nice, don't get me wrong; i love me some nice living, fancy hotels, etc., etc., etc. but i've spent the last three academic years studying law not solely for the money. i come to it because i love the law.

but! i am looking at, someday, a significant upgrade in my lifestyle once i get situated in my gig. i went to a dinner last night as part of the law center's fundraising campaign. and i'm not going to lie - the legal profession is some rarefied air for a teacher's kid. i don't know how many of my classmates are used to this life, but there's still kind of a shine to my future to me. maybe that's naive. maybe i have a slightly more retro look at work and wealth. i don't know. but what i do know is that, especially with my dream grad program ahead of me, things are gonna change.

change is good. positive change is better. it will be SO. FREAKING. NICE. to be comfortable economically. but with this upgrade will come some adjustments in my life. it'll be interesting to see where that takes me. the future. hmm. time for me to keep my head, stay true to my roots, and remember where i've been. that'll keep me nice and grounded, wherever i go.

popular mechanics

love is perhaps one of the most misunderstood concepts in the entire human condition. god knows we here in the ol' U-S-of-A don't have our heads on straight about it. we have chosen to build so much of our social fabric on these weird pillars: love, marriage, family, etc., etc., etc. and yet, a lot of these properties, which we've bound together, have next to nothing to do with each other.

i personally don't believe that we were put on this earth solely to couple off and perpetuate the race. being a heathen who's just really not that fond of kids, this is an understandable impulse. but more importantly, the older i get, the more i realize that the "bedrocks" of love and marriage are skewed beyond belief and, honestly, they're totally unrealistic. this is just not a good way to run a railroad, folks.

there's no denying the biological imperative exists. i may not have it, but it's out there - i've read a lot of people's writing about pining for the kid, the husband/wife/partner, and all that. but there are a couple of wrinkles to all this that we as americans are just not willing to face. the biggest one, BY FAR, is that love is not enough to make a coupling successful. there's a big difference between loving someone and being able to run a life with that person. there are people in my life that i love dearly, care about with all my heart and soul, and enjoy to no end. those people are also ROYALLY incompatible as life partners: we are at such crossed purposes about where, when and how to go about things. this is reality; sometimes love just ain't enough.

there are a number of approaches to this problem that american society proposes. largely, though, it perpetuates the myth that if you love each other hard enough, you can soldier through anything. bunk. this sort of rose-colored foolishness keeps the wedding and rom-com industry active, but it's no way to live. i propose instead that, when you're looking at your partner and thinking about THE FUTURE, you look long and hard at the mechanics. it's cold, hyper-rational, and on a number of levels, it brings the coupling/marriage process back to what it was in the beginning - a property arrangement with political and socioeconomic implications. marriage was not love-based until recently, kids.

romance is far from dead. it's just far from relevant when planning how to live the rest of your life. you can learn to be gooey-sweet romantic with someone you can run a life with. you can't reverse the process without trying to fundamentally change the person you supposedly love. that's not fair to either of you. bring your mind as well as your heart to the table, and you'll save yourself a lot of grief in the end.

seven days

i've finished seven days of "yoga month 2010: the en-sleek-ening." i'm really not sure what i think at this point. the classes themselves are great. the results? eh, mixed at best. i'm feeling a little stronger, and the poses are coming more easily, but i'm not sure it's translating to quantifiable weight loss (or qualitative toning/shaping/etc.). that's frustrating as hell, given all the work i've put in. but there are 23 more days to go, including today; there's time yet to improve.

physical improvement programs have always caused me angst and grief. first of all, it's annoying to be a girl-type person and lose weight. boys lose weight at a rate that's startling to me. my favorite sports blogger lost 50 pounds in 3 1/2 MONTHS. that is SO not fair. it took me damn near a year to lose the same amount of weight, doing largely the same sort of thing. grrr.

but biological gender difference aside, sigh, i think there's an inherent expectation among the high-achieving in the world that everything should come easily. i am SO guilty of this. i expect to be able to master anything i try quickly, largely because that's always been the way things have worked for me intellectually. (god, that sounds arrogant. but it's the truth.) but as much as i've achieved with my mind, i have struggled with sports, exercise regimens, etc. that kills me.

so this challenge is not only physical, it's attitude-related as well. i need to push to show myself that results can happen if i try hard enough. hell, i got into my dream grad program. i can sure as hell stick to an exercise regime. and i might even get something out of it as well. i hope, anyway.

shameless self-promotion time! [TRUE STORY]

your humble blog-prietor has been published. i am pleased beyond belief that people thought enough of my writing to put it in a compilation with some damn fine authors. and since i am nothing if not an accolade collector, i'm sharing this with you. go see me, and a TON of great writers, in the inaugural issue of drop of ink. you'll be glad you did!

down dog

the intensive 30-day yoga program is on. today will be day 4, and despite a persistent mild lower-back strain from still not being able to bring my legs out of a shoulder stand in any type of controlled manner, i am feeling pretty freaking awesome. the scale's a little lower, yes, but my mind is very clear, and that's the real benefit of all of this.

i'm not super-enthused about the spiritual aspects of yoga. i don't really like chanting "om," or talking about being in a space of god, or all that. my feelings on the sky-daddy thing are well documented. but leaving all that aside, there is something really mentally freeing about a 75-minute yoga class. i don't know if it's psychosomatic or real, but i have my theories. mainly, i think it's that yoga forces me to devote every ounce of mental and physical energy to the practice. check my balance, check my breathing, etc. i need to be dragged kicking and screaming out of my own head every once in awhile, and bridge pose makes that possible.

i've started reading hannah, just breathe... more regularly, and she does a fantastic job of encapsulating this sort of thing. better living through yoga and all that. i've started and stopped with yoga probably 10 times in the last decade. it's finally starting to click with me what the point is. that'll keep me coming back for sure now.

and hell - it's almost swimsuit season, right? :)

oh, and one more thing

re: yesterday's rant, i think coach mora said this best.

the shadow knows...

ha. haha. hahahaha...

someone out there in internet-land thinks they know better than i do what's going on in my life. that's freaking hilarious.

i refer you all, once again, to the CAVEAT EMPTOR in the sidebar.

and for those of you who think you're "sorry to be the bearer of bad news but this has gone on too long and it's not right or fair for her to do this to you":

gossip is funny. but you crossed the line. BIG TIME. i may not ever find out who you are, but i pity you. couldn't even do it under your real name, either.

i know some of you think that life is just this big soap opera. here's a lesson: it's not. adults sometimes write fiction. other adults know about this. children can't separate fantasy from reality. adults can. why don't those out there who can't either grow up and trust people to handle their business, or if you can't, go elsewhere for internet entertainment?

and for those of you who can separate fantasy from reality, stay tuned. we're gonna have some fun. :)

and some procrastination

because i just can't go whole-hog into spartan mode, here's a little fruitless side distraction. thanks to the daily dose of reality for the questionnaire:

What's wrong with fake breasts?
eh, nothing really, i guess. it's less the things themselves and more what they say (i.e., i don't feel good enough as i am, i'm conforming to someone else's standards of beauty, etc.). not to mention that if they're not done well, they just look awkward and uncomfortable.

List your latest run-in with the Carnival of Idiocy.
i road-raged all the way down I-10 east yesterday, from columbus, TX back here. it was just a parade of goofballs.

Name one thing you'd like to tell your ten year ago self.
don't do it. just don't do it. you're not thinking about what's good for you; you're crafting an identity that you think other people want you to have. don't lose the next few years over this...

What's your favorite word that's not in the dictionary?
ooh, that's a good one. dumb-ass-ery, i think.

Why do fools fall in love?
because love is a foolish thing. it makes no sense.

crunch time

and so it begins. after nearly three years of struggle, tumult, crisis and triumph, law school is just about over. today, my head goes down and i start the work of exam prep. i also start a thirty-day yoga regimen; one class every single day, without fail. it's funny to think this way on the christian easter sunday. everyone else ends their period of work and reflection today with a celebration, an indulgence, and a rebirth. i, however, go underground for this time every year. this year, i really want to dazzle everyone with the results of the next month. i've got a LOT riding on the outcome. i've got so much to look forward to, and i really need to make sure i'm in the proper frame of mind (and in the right physical shape) to embrace the future properly. the goal of exam time, which is actually really nice, is to tamp down all the stress and drama of my emotional life to live exclusively in the intellectual realm for awhile. i think that's why i like exam period so much. either that, or i'm insane.

so hopefully it doesn't get too boring around here over the next month. i'll do my best to make outlining and down-dog sound fun. :)

light of day

it's funny how the sun can change your perspective on things. it's almost like being a little kid sometimes: problems that loom so large and seem so unsurmountable in the dark of night become completely manageable in the daytime. i've noticed this time and again, and yet i still manage to fall victim to the night terrors.

which brings me to last night's panic attack. after some nudging - gentle and not-so-gentle - i realize that i would be a fool to turn down my dream because of short-term comfort concerns. i'm forever counseling people in tough positions to "rip off the band-aid"; to endure the intensity of brief pain, knowing that the relief that follows will be immense.

i was told once that i need to stop living for other people. that's true. and choosing the easy personal route would be one more choice made with other people's interests in mind. so i'm going to do what's best for me, despite the difficulties to come, and i know full good and well that the long-term future will be so much better for it.

this is it. don't get scared now.

conundrum

oh, freaking hell. and just like that, life gets complicated as anything again. basically, it breaks down like this. i have two scenarios from which to choose, both of which have good and bad points. the choice i make - and it must be made as soon as possible - will have serious repercussions on my future. not excessively self-reflective, i-think-they're-serious-but-they're-really-not repercussions, but the real deal. i literally have no idea what to do.

scenario #1
pros: i get to go home. i go back to my hometown, to an amazing grad program in my favorite place on earth. i get incredible, prestigious professional training.
cons: i have to move there as a married woman, putting a serious delay in my plans to be free.

scenario #2
pros: i get to be free. i get to live in a new city. i get pretty good professional training at a pretty well-respected grad program. i also get to do this without any restrictions on my personal life.
cons: i'd have to turn down the best program i got into to do this.

ugh. rational self-interest is my new watchword; i try to do the best possible thing for myself at all times these days. but there's a big problem here. what's best for me professionally and what's best for me personally are not the same here. i'd have to seriously undercut myself professionally to do the best thing personally. conversely, i'd have to seriously undercut myself personally to do the best thing professionally. this is the hardest choice i've ever had to make, and i have a matter of days to make it.

i know i said before that i was going to start relying on myself more often. but this one's too big for me. i'm opening the floor for advice. what would you do? no promises that i'll actually do what the consensus suggests, but i definitely need some input here. i've never been this lost in my life. help!

sunshine

i spend a lot of time on this blog fussing, whining, sorting out drama and picking my life apart. but today is just not that kind of day. there's far too much to be happy about today: two classes cancelled/excused; several hours of (gasp!) down time; a trip out of town to look forward to; and tons upon tons of glorious, amazing spring sunshine.

i have what i personally describe as reverse seasonal affective disorder. i don't get super-bummed in the winter, although i am a little draggy. what happens to me is that when it starts getting warm and sunny, i get a big jolt of endorphins the second the sun hits my skin. it is INSTANTANEOUS. i walked outside today to throw something in the dumpster, for god's sake, and i was struck with the urge to run around in the grass like a five-year-old kid. it is so nice.

so i sit here with my window open, smelling the spring-scented air, staring at the green trees and soaking in every single drop of beautiful weather that i can get to. i have no complaints today. the only thing i could want more than what i have right now is for this afternoon to last a few hours longer than it will...

smoke

you keep saying the past is not dead
well, stop and smell the smoke
you keep on saying the past is not even past
and you keep saying
we are smoke, smoke, smoke...
- "smoke," ben folds five

i've spent the last few days just steeped to the gills in blasts from my past, some welcome, some uncomfortable. i spent a few terrifying hours trying to keep drunk people from getting into worse states than they were already in, with varying degrees of success. (only a little blood was spilled. i consider that a win.) i went to the wedding of a dearly-beloved ex, finding people i hadn't seen in two-plus decades at the same event. and i had a mini-reunion of sorts with some wonderful college friends on a random night in the law-school town.

all this got me thinking about the past. i do that a lot. but really, it's funny. i've found that reconnecting with the people who knew me before i tied myself down and quashed my ambitions restores me and satisfies me in ways i never anticipated. but meeting up with the people who knew me in the middle of that, through no fault of their own, just remind me of how different i made myself in furtherance of a goal that really should never have been a goal in the first place. it's painful, and it's annoying.

so it's not that the past is dead, nor that it should be. i love my friends. but the past i'd like to revisit and reconnect with is the past in which i was truer to myself, before i stopped caring about myself, before i did what others wanted. as for the other past, when i was someone other than myself? yeah. that's smoke.

changing the mood... [TRUE STORY]

OK, so after the heavy dose of venom last time, i've decided to be silly here. i took these questions from mannland 5 (via the daily dose of reality). here we go...

1 - Why did you start blogging?
i started blogging to take some thoughts i'd been having about my life and extrapolate them to their logical extremes (and beyond, in some cases).

2 - Who's the one blog friend that you would want to meet most in "real life"?
ooh, tough one - they're all so amazing! if i had to pick, i'd say the foggy dew. really, though, i'd like to meet everyone i read. interesting, smart people all.

3 - Why are you always concerned with losing that "extra 10 pounds" when chances are your husband/boyfriend/friends tell you that you look just fine the way you are?
haha. funny you should mention that; i was just thinking about weight loss and appearance. in my case, there's an element of schadenfreude at work here. i'd always been a big girl. now that i'm not so big anymore, i feel like the skinnier i get (and the more attention i get because of it), the more i can drive the demons of the old days away. within reason, of course.

4 - What's the one thing you wish guys could understand about you?
a sincere compliment, a hug and a good joke will carry you SO far with me.

5 - Tattoos. How many do you have and how many are visible when you wear your "everyday" clothes?
as of this moment, 1 - not visible with everyday clothes. soon to be two, though; my "if the saints win the super bowl" thing was a fleur-de-lis tattoo somewhere.

6 - What was the best year of your life and why?
hmm. 1998 was an amazing year for a lot of reasons (high-school graduation, starting college, a couple of good relationships). it remains to be seen if 2010 will top it, though. so far, so good. the 2009-10 academic year has probably been the best academic year of my life.

7 - Name three things you would do if you were a man for one day.
1) go to the mechanic's, just to see if there's any difference in treatment
2) attend a formal in a tux (i'm so tired of dates bitching about how uncomfortable they are, as i stand there in a dress, heels and freaking pantyhose)
3) try to get laid :)

8 - What's your alcoholic drink of choice that usually raises a few eyebrows?
no doubt, it's the monsoon. (thanks, three years of living in louisiana!) we call it "drunk in a cup." light rum, dark rum, pineapple juice, grenadine and sour mix. oh, so yummy.

postpartum

i run a big volunteer program at my law school. well, ran, anyway - it ended today. i've been planning this project all year long, and with a rush of excited activity, we wrapped it tonight. i have amazing lieutenants in this endeavor, and we did one hell of a job. happy customers, happy administration, and a very satisfied feeling for me.

but.

yeah, there's always a but, isn't there? i've done this program every year of law school, with ever-increasing responsibility. the whole show was mine this year. and now, it's over. just like that. i just don't know what to do with myself at this point. i'm a little sad, to be honest. i mean, now what am i going to do? (i mean, besides study and drink, like i usually do.) it's such a weird thing, especially with the realization that it's a mere six weeks until i move away. six. weeks. i am so happy to get out on my own that i could scream... but there's that weird feeling of let-down that goes with it.

it's all coming to an end. no matter how great that feels, there's something... sad, i guess, too. nothing's ever simple.

god

[in all seriousness, if you've got faith in a higher power and don't like it when people don't, i'd tread lightly here if i were you. i'm going to say things that will make you unhappy.]

many people are raised into religion. i wasn't really. i mean, i was baptized into the presbyterian faith, but it never really took, i guess. in fact, one of the many ways i tried to shoehorn myself into whatever image i thought would suit my relationship was to pretend to be a serious christian. i mean, i allowed myself to be married in a christian ceremony when i knew full good and well how little i believed in the words i was saying.

when i lost my mother, i cursed the very nature of her life on this earth. i mean, what kind of existence did she have? she was wracked by debilitating mental illness for her ENTIRE LIFE. nothing eased it, and the only relief she ever had from the static in her head came from chemicals. what kind of just and loving god would allow that? foolishness. there's no such thing as noble, redemptive suffering. i've been on that rant before. but seriously, if there's a god who would allow that kind of pain to happen and sit back and do nothing, especially if he's supposedly so all-fired concerned with every last little detail of how we live, then i want no part of that death-cult, thanks.

so i guess you could call me an enemy of religion. i don't pretend to know what the afterlife holds. that's kind of my point: i am just not arrogant enough to presume that some book of fairy stories written hundreds of years after the events were supposed to have happened is the straight-up script to success after death. nope. but even feeling that way, i used to have a live-and-let-live attitude about religion. none for me, thanks, but do what you want to do (as long as you leave me alone about it). however, in light of recent events in my life, i've moved from a detente position about living your life by some god's supposed will to an all-out war. and no, i will not be nice anymore.

my family is chocked to the gills with deep believers in a charismatic form of christianity. who knows how this happened? not me. but sure enough, they're all reeeeeeally into the whole jesus thing. my little cousins were raised on it, and somehow most of them got out OK, except for one. this girl has been tested since birth. she was born with serious health problems. by the time she was 5, she'd had surgeries that numbered in the double digits. and instead of being normal about it and treating her like a real kid, my family decided to carry her around on a little satin pillow and tell her how fragile she is. how special she is. give her all manner of special treatment, often to the detriment of her own siblings and cousins. it was abundantly clear who the favorite was in our family.

but the worst thing they did to her was the two-pronged attack on any chance she had to be a deep thinker: they filled her head with jesus, and they told her she was going to die. therefore, what we got was a kid with no direction, no intellect, and no drive. oh yeah - and since she was so steeped in christian mysticism, to put it kindly, she had no faith (ha ha) in what her doctors said, especially the part about "hey, you'd better never get pregnant, because you, the kid or both could die."

i think you know what happened next. the girl turned up pregnant by her affable-but-worthless fiance. the doctors told her, "hey, now that you disobeyed us and got pregnant, you need to end this pregnancy. it's almost a given that you, the kid or both could die." her own FATHER told her to do it. but no, that's not what god would want. the "baby" (at this time, a three-week-old clump of cells with no human identity) has a heartbeat, because that's what church told her! so the girl has basically stumbled upon a novel way to commit both suicide and homicide by refusing to put aside the dangerously irrational religious toxin to SAVE HER OWN GODDAMNED LIFE.

so my cousin is most likely going to die in six months. her kid might die too. and for what? religion. the toxic mind-rot that is charismatic religion. and when this tragedy unfolds, my grandparents and my aunt will talk about god's great plan. and i will look them in the face and say, "the blood is on your hands. YOU. DID. THIS. you killed her with your insane refusal to live in this world and your addle-brained insistence on concentrating on the next. sleep well."

killer god. killer fucking god. there's no goddamned sky-daddy; there's just this cancerous poison rotting the minds of people all over the world. the opiate of the masses? hardly. opiates at least numb the nerves. religion doesn't even promise happiness, unless you count the faux-orgasmic state of mind of "gifts of the spirit." it's a mind-fuck. that's all it is. from my cousin, to the thousands lost on september 11, to every american soldier who meets a taliban IED, to every gay teenager who slits his wrists because the church told him he was damned, it's the biggest shame of human life. religion breeds death.

hold your own

i remember the first time someone hinted to me that my ambitious nature might be anything less than completely desirable. i was talking to the mother of an old boyfriend about my life and how i'd gotten where i was at that time. it was a pretty, if i do say so myself, impressive course to have charted: on my own, full-time college student, two jobs and a robust social life. i made above-average grades and pretty much did as i pleased.

"wow," this woman said to me. "you're so... independent."

her tone was so strange that it stopped me dead in my tracks. i mean, isn't that the goal of growing up - to become an actual, real, independent adult who can fend for herself? it was the first instance i'd ever encountered of how jealous, petty people will do anything they can to thwart people who can see the road and walk down it with confidence.

growing up, i prided myself on being able to hold my own without a lot of help or guidance. i've lost track of that ambition, that will to succeed, a time or two over the years. some of my choices have suffered. but a few years ago, the scales fell from my eyes, and i started to see that (despite the stumbles) i could still have the smart, tough and exciting life i'd always wanted. it was just a matter of putting my head down and going to it. so i did. i sit here now at the end of one degree, with one more to go, ready to cut ties with my repressive and limiting choices and charge forth into the future of MY OWN DETERMINATION. i follow no rules but my own. as one story winds down, this one picks up, and it's far more exciting to me to see where this one goes...

one shining moment

on my way to the airport yesterday, i heard the local traffic reporter recounting the end of the michigan state-maryland game. lucious drains the 3, and just like that, a maryland victory turns into a crushing defeat. that's the nature of sports like basketball; one quick shot and the whole thing can change.

every so often, that sort of thing happens in other arenas too. you go through a situation thinking things are a certain way, and then POW - the entire game is changed. sometimes this is bad, and it leads to disaster, like if you're greivis vasquez and the rest of the maryland terrapins. but other times, you're tom izzo and the spartans, and the sudden change is the best thing you've ever felt in your life. that's where i sit today. never saw it coming, either...

here's a lesson for you: if you're confused about something that involves another person, it's really best to just talk it out. i took the initiative to pour my heart and soul out this weekend, and the clouds were lifted. things i thought were complex and potentially painful turned out to be crystal clear and completely perfect. perhaps you're seeking details of this. eh, not this time. some things a girl keeps to herself.

but as for results? well, that's easy. the playing field has cleared considerably. "contestant #3," while still incredibly beautiful, is off the board. the ball and chain? that's resolved as of the end of this year. and the other boy? well, all i'll say about that is that i have some incredible people in my life. one shining moment? yeah, you could say that.
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this kinda sounds like the end of a story, doesn't it? well, in some respects, it is. this particular flight of fancy has run its course. oh, but don't worry; there'll be more tales to tell, more adventures to have, and more characters to cross my path. stay tuned...