let it rain

[your soundtrack]

"you see the struggle on my face, you see it storming in my eye; you see it heavy on my shoulder, you see me swaying on the line..."

there was a time when i was better at hiding this. this girl was a master of disguise. i mean, hell, i could dance for you even when i was bleeding inside. i lived a double life for so long that i got really used to the feeling of being split in half. and then a funny thing happened: the strain broke through the mask, and i lost the capability to hide the hurt anymore. i don’t know what it was. maybe it was watching the end turn so ugly. maybe it was finally being honest and owning up to the insufficiency of the friends-with-benefits setup, coming clean about my feelings, and (to my great surprise) getting exactly what i wanted. whatever it is, i can’t keep how much it hurts, how angry i am, inside anymore. if you look at me, you’ll see it.

"bring on the troubles of the morning and the stories of my life; look up above, the clouds are forming and i’m not gonna hide..."

so why not own this? my life is hard as hell these days. everyone can see it, and i’m apparently the last person alive to acknowledge it. bring on the struggle. let me take it on with arms wide open, and if the pain shows through, i should have the decency to own up to the fact that i’m hurting. making myself a martyr only hurts me. well, me and everyone who has to deal with me while i’m carrying on like this. (see also my beloved boyfriend for the last few weeks.) the only way to keep it from swallowing me whole is to come out from behind the front and own it all.

"i’m not getting any younger, i took the longer road; and i know it’s made me stronger out here on my own..."

the man (as well as my friends and family) always says he’s proud of me for everything i’ve done and earned in my life. he tells me how strong i am, how tough i am. not only that, he tells me that i’m tougher than i think i am, and certainly stronger than i give myself credit for being. i think i’m finally starting to understand that he’s right. the things i’ve suffered through, as he told me, would have destroyed weaker people. funny how it’s taken him to finally drive that through my thick skull, but it’s true. i have struggled – oh, lord, how i have struggled – and i’m better for it. i’m far more of a complete person than someone who’s been through nothing.

"let it rain on me, let my shelter crumble down; take it all away, don’t need no one to save me now..."

i will rely on those who love me to support me. i’ve seen the results of the stubborn insistence on standing as the lone wolf in front of them and “proving” how “independent” i am. it is not pretty. but at the end of the day, no one can save me but me. i have to be accountable to myself; there’s no way around it. so let the walls fall down, and bring on whatever challenge there is. with the help and faith of those who love me, i’ll make it through everything. i will win. there’s no other choice.

privileged

foreigner once sang, "i wanna know what love is; i want you to show me." lord, is that song sappy. it's a FABULOUS long road-trip jam, when you're totally alone in the wilds of tennessee with nothing around you but trees and gratuitous power ballads and can totally let your vocals rip.

i mean, not that i'd know this from experience or anything.

but it's creepy how sappy little things here and there can morph into these GRAND, OVERARCHING TRUISMS. i really thought i knew what love was from a very young age. as you've probably noticed, i was a very confident kid, and when i was seventeen, i just knew that this. was. it. there was no going back; i'd met the man i was destined to marry, and we were gonna live happy ever after in our little fairy-tale world, with no worries or cares.

enter adulthood. enter growth (or lack thereof), refinement of goals. a very wise fellow blogger said that "i was a very different woman at 29 than at 23, a woman i liked a whole lot more." heh. turns out. so i'm taking steps to undo the damage that blindness and overconfidence caused, damage that reveals itself to be more serious and scathing than i even realized possible. this process is long, and the rage that takes over every single time he drags his feet and makes this take longer threatens to swamp me completely. it's not going to be easy to overcome this.

but lo and behold, through the forest, there's a small beacon, a single ray of light. as it happens, i'm really, finally starting to see what love is. it's been here all along, beside me through up and down, and the late unpleasantness, to say the least, has brought it forth in the most sweepingly obvious manner possible. when i've been at my lowest, my saddest, my most desperate, all i've gotten is absolute and unconditional love, poured over me when i've needed it most. i don't know what to do but worry, he says. i say back, this breaks my heart - i don't want you to worry. i'm sorry. and then, the three sentences that move me to tears, stir my very soul: don't be. it's not your fault. and you know i only worry because you mean the world to me.

this is what love is. this is the gift i've been given in the undoing of my life. this is the privilege with which i've been bestowed: the true, pure love of an unyielding partner. this is real. this is the cord that binds us. and i am beyond honored to finally, truly know what love is. there just aren't words.

scared

you looked at me with an expression i can't characterize. i don't even know what the name for that emotion would be, or even if it has a name at all. the whole thing only lasted eight hours, four of which were spent sleeping, but the destruction was nearly complete. your eyes still haunt me, shake me to my core. i didn't realize i could have that kind of power over you, demonstrate the risks of opening your heart in such a stark manner as i have tonight. but you let me in, and now you see exactly what that means. you see the fractures i've tried so hard to conceal from you. you see the bottom, clear as day, even in the dark of night. and you're scared.

what do you fear? you tell me, i don't want you to feel this way ever again. i don't want you to ever want to do this again. you ask me what i need, what i want; what can i do? any idea? anything i can do, i will. and most poignantly: you're scaring me. you never confess fear. you're strong, untouchable. you never show me your vulnerabilities... until i push you to the breaking point.

the break nearly came in front of me, your inability to change it, to fix it, to make it better. i can't stand the thought of what this does to you. so i'm going to handle it. i'm going to fix this. i'm going to make this go away. you always tell me to lean on you, to use you to soothe myself when i need to. but when i'm this broken, this bruised and bloodied, the reality of what you invite me to do becomes sharply, harrowingly clear, doesn't it?

you're my strength. you always have been, you always will be. but have i finally seen the limit of how strong you can be?

well. that happened.

so a follow-up from yesterday. not to scare anybody, but as it happens, i was due for a freak-out, and it came with a vengeance after i left y'all. i'm OK, first off. nothing life- or limb-threatening happened. but it was a long, dark night.

some things i'd like to say:
1) there is a long string of counseling appointments in my future, starting tomorrow. (i've already been to speak to the nice folks at the counseling office here at school, before you ask.)

2) i am officially off alcohol for the rest of the semester. that's something i just do NOT need. it does not help anything. and for a red-wine lover like myself, this is a big damn deal.

3) to the man, if he reads this (and i don't think he does, but it's worth saying): thank you, love. things will be under control. i will handle this.

strangely, though there's a lot of work yet to do, i feel a lot less... pent-up, i guess, after last night. the dam burst, and though it's messy and there's a lot of cleaning up that'll follow this, the pressure i was feeling, building up inside me, has eased. i may be a little more all over the place than usual, a lot less linear, but at least it's all coming out. and that's a good thing. that's a very good thing.

one step at a time. and this too shall pass. i feel it now more than ever.

clinging

it's dark. it's really, really dark. i try so hard to be positive, to muddle through the pain, the anger, the annoyance and the stress with all the resolve i can muster. but by god, this hurts. i am starting to feel the old rebellious streak rise up in me, the one who says, y'know, why the hell SHOULD life be this hard? what the hell is the point of trying to maintain, be on an even keel? this world does nothing but throw curveballs at you. and that, my friends, is a place i'd just as soon never see again.

see, i have a double-barreled challenge to overcome here: 1) my mother's serious mental health issues, many of which are supposedly genetic; 2) a history of... allowing the darkness to control me, so to speak. i have done so well over the past decade or so at keeping my head above water, managing my emotions. but with stressor upon stressor upon heartbreak upon fear piling up, my carefully-arranged psyche is starting to crack, starting to show signs of wear.

i know what i need to do. i know what i should do. but by god, i can't be the only person on the face of the earth who is seriously, intensely incensed by the fact that life has to be so much work. really. why the hell does this have to be such a struggle all the time? why is it that i have to fight so incredibly hard just to get through the day without succumbing to the forces that are trying to destroy me? i look around at most of the people in my life, who i know don't have perfect lives, but at least seem to have okay enough lives, and i am seethingly jealous. it makes me so angry. i have to try so goddamned hard just to get out of bed in the morning these days. it's so much fucking work. my emotional life is so much in tatters that it's cutting me to shreds. compounding this is the fact that i know people with real, life-threatening challenges who are so much more successful at staying... sane, i guess. the guilt of that compounds all of this even more.

so that's where i stand. it's a damn cold night, and i'm here, alone in my room, doing everything i can to keep my demons at bay and my angels close by. i will make it through this. i know. but sometimes, i get so goddamned tired. the test is whether i drop my hand from the wheel and let things go, or whether i somehow scare up enough resolve to keep it going.

embrace

in the devil's dance that is my psychic state, the darkness has been winning. that has made me nothing short of unbearable to be around, as i've chronicled earlier. but, as usual, the man comes through for me. there's been a little tough love wielded on me lately - he's called me on things that, frankly, i've needed to be called on.

yesterday i talked to my grandmother. i will never understand for the life of me how that woman can push so many emotional buttons in the course of one conversation, but she has always had that talent. good for her. heh. i waited until the night fell and the man and i were alone to tell him what she said, and from there, the whole sordid story of my emotional state came tumbling out. he listened, offered some encouragement, and held me close against him. the soothing took longer than usual. a lot longer, actually, and it was nowhere near complete. the issues that bother me are just too big to be settled in one night.

the edginess eased, but not entirely. something was missing. so i decided to soothe myself. i pressed in close, wrapping myself around him, and sought comfort in his body, not just his words. his hands found my curves, my lips found his neck. we've always been more than compatible in this regard, but there's always been a level of recreation to it. fun. nothing too heavy. yeah, that wasn't really the case this time. we didn't speak a word, just lost ourselves in each other. and when he held me in his arms and loved me, he made it totally obvious that love was precisely what he was giving me. his eyes met mine. his lips met mine. he gave of himself completely, unconditionally and passionately.

i've written extensively about the learning process that this relationship has triggered. i've said a lot about observing, accepting, and understanding the way he loves. i thought i got it before, but this weekend showed me how wrong i was. i learned it through missteps and bad actions, which resulted in conversations that i'd rather not have had. but finally, when it was most critical, i learned it through the silent openness of his embrace. his love is deep, bigger than words. to feel it so broadly, so completely, is all the lesson i'll need.

callouts

well. that happened. turns out i'm not the only person who was aggrieved in my life last night. i mean, that does stand to reason; it's no secret that i'm a challenge to love from time to time. but it seems that there was a lot i was doing that was bothering him. it's the first time in my life when i've ever been told by someone that "anything i say will make things worse, so i'm not saying anything."

whoa. that's not what i was expecting to hear at all. but talk about a wake-up call. so we had it out. i mean, i know i'm on edge. i know i've been tough to be around. but the implication that i can't be spoken to because of my potential reaction to it? oh, no. that's not going to work. so we talked it out. it was good, in its way, to argue for once. at least i was finally, after pulling it out of him, clued into the fact that he wasn't happy with me. things were resolved.

i've had better weeks than this one. i've had better months than this one, so far. but i apparently needed to be called out for the way i was acting. (so did he.) better to know than not, i suppose. facing the bad and the good is part of having an adult relationship. and i'd much rather have a real, true relationship than a shallow, fake "happy" situation. so i'll take my medicine. just as long as he takes his too, that is.

pardon the interruption

i knew this time was coming. i knew, eventually, that this little... tic, i guess, of yours would eventually become an issue. i'm actually surprised it took this long. but here it is, so i'm dealing with it.

i know you don't like everything i like. we don't have to have the same tastes in everything. never have, never will. but do me a favor? when i happen to mention something related to something i like that you don't, could you maybe not just wait for me to stop talking, then immediately go back to the last thing you said before i spoke, as if i hadn't said anything at all? see, when you do that, here's what you convey: "if i wait her out, she'll get the hint and shut up."

yeah, that's really not what will happen. what'll happen is this: i'll begin to get the idea that you don't respect me. we can have differences of opinion until the cows come home; that's actually a whole lot of fun. you are a worthy opponent, and i love sparring with you. but i will not be made to feel like my interests are SUBSIDIARY to yours. that's when things start leaving the realm of OK and careen headlong into... unpleasant territory.

part of the deal i made with you is that i'd open myself to the things you like and at least make an effort to indulge you. i don't expect you to be able to rattle off hockey stats and learn the difference between colton orr's role with the leafs and brooks laich's role with my beloved caps. but i do expect you to treat my loves with the barest, gentlest modicum of respect. it's not an unwarranted interruption to your life to listen. you can handle it. i have faith in you.

outlook

in the face of trying times and more stress than i care to contemplate, i have decided, pretty much in the last two hours or so, that i am going to try something new. i am going to face the rest of 2010 with a relentlessly, aggressively positive attitude. i mean it this time. i will find the positive side of things if it freaking kills me. it's a survival mechanism at this point. so here goes; i'm going to test this out here. tell me if it's working.

event: unwinding my old life is making. me. crazy.
positive spin: i get to practice domestic relations law in a risk-free environment.

event: school is insanely busy this week.
positive spin: it's a good distraction from my old life.

event: i don't have regular access to a car, and it's cold outside.
positive spin: walking everywhere = exercise = being able to eat big macs every so often.

hmm. i'm not so sure i'm getting this right. well, whatever; i'll have plenty of time to practice in the face of all the stresses and annoyances swirling around me right now...

remembrance

today is veterans day. in america, this is a day off for some, but not all. there are giveaways at chain restaurants and sales at furniture stores. lots of people make lots of noise, and i'm sure it's very sincerely meant. (not being sarcastic, for once, either.) politicians do photo ops, grandstanding in front of people wearing camo and old men in ball caps embroidered with the names of their ships.

but honestly, how many people really take the time to think about what it means to be a veteran, especially in the modern sense of the word? military service used to be essentially compulsory for young men, and most people called just went and did what was asked. but the nature of service changed when the draft ended. our armed forces are 100% volunteer these days. that changes things somewhat, to say the least. now the people who defend us at home and abroad do so out of conscious choice. that's really a special thing to do, even if it's only done because someone feels he or she has run out of options for the future.

and in spite of this regime of service by choice, which should force the decision-makers to be all the more careful with people who have opted in, our leaders have made increasingly cavalier choices as to where and how to use our soldiers, sailors and marines. life is not a game of risk. these people are real flesh and blood. and increasingly, troops come back from war... changed. not like war hasn't always been hell. far from it; war has always been horrific. but in the past, it seems to me anyway, war was only entered as a last resort or to fight a clear, definite evil. we entered combat soberly, reluctantly, and with a sense of what we were doing. i don't get that sense anymore.

as i've said before, it is my humble opinion that if we are going to send people who have chosen this life into harm's way, it had damn well better be done with the utmost sense of necessity and purpose. if we can't look at ourselves and say, UNEQUIVOCALLY, "this is worth spilling our soldiers' blood over," we have done our forces a disservice. and that is inexcusable. combat changes people. that's unavoidable. if we're going to subject people to that kind of change, we'd better have a good reason. i am against a lot of these wars we've entered in the last decade, and it's because i really, honestly feel that the people who wanted these wars have treated - and continue to treat - our troops like life-size GI joe dolls. that's completely reprehensible. our troops deserve better.

so on this veterans day, i remember the sacrifice of those who are gone. i honor the service of those who chose to fight for us, past, present and future. i love my friends and family who wear the uniform, and i value their brothers and sisters in arms. i choose to commemorate this day by giving to iraq and afghanistan veterans of america, an amazing group designed to serve my generation's veterans and current members. do the same. and by god, make sure you recognize what those who serve have done for us, and continue to do for us.

thank you. all of you.

type A

i will totally cop to being a borderline obsessive planner. i like things to be set up, a certain way, well in advance of actually getting there. let's just say that i'm not the kind of girl who digs a surprise party. i like to know what's going to happen.

so it really, really, REALLY grinds my gears when people who are supposed to be in charge of setting an agenda just... don't. look. it's november. the semester will be over in one month and seven days. now is just not the time to tweak your freaking syllabus! i cannot deal with... to call what this is "disorganization" drastically insults the disorganized.

i was not always this way. those who knew me as a teenager are consistently amused by my need to have everything set up. (they are comforted by the knowledge that my pickiness has not translated into keeping my room clean. i'm still messy.) but my new life, my newly-molded orderly and logical mind, demands a certain amount of order. i can't really function without it. and by god, it cannot POSSIBLY be that challenging to set up a semester before it starts. really.

famous last words

trying times abound in the little segment of the blogosphere my friends and i call home. my problems are nowhere near as serious as other people's, but there are problems here nonetheless. this semester's really starting to get intense. the last dregs of the old life just won't go away. i have the worst backache i have ever had in my entire life, one that takes one look at painkillers and says, really? that's all you've got for me? yeah, right. and i just had to back out of helping with a project at school on a subject about which i am thoroughly passionate. sigh.

but then, as i was walking (slowly) home from the train tonight, a song i hadn't really thought of in a long time popped up on the ol' ipod.

i see you lying next to me
with words i thought i'd never speak
awake and unafraid...
i am not afraid to keep on living
i am not afraid to walk this world alone...
 - "famous last words," my chemical romance

generally speaking, when i'm down and depressed, so is my ipod. but boy, did it come through for me tonight. a lot of my problem lately has been this gnawing sense of fear. i'm scared that i'll let people down professionally. i'm scared that i won't live up to the expectations of my grad program. i'm desperately afraid of my financial future. i'm afraid of somehow wrecking the best relationship of my life. anxiety and i have become really good friends lately.

but you know, i can't let this sort of thinking take me over. i got where i am by putting my head down and moving forward. i earned every bit of academic and professional success i've earned so far. the money thing will work itself out. i have no reason to doubt my man or his unflagging faith in me. i will not let the bastards get me down. i am not afraid to keep on living. i am not afraid to walk this world alone. i'm not alone, either. i may be solitary, but i also have amazing parents, a boyfriend who loves me, friends who form the best cheering section a girl could ask for, and all manner of support from all kinds of sources. i'm lucky as hell. i can't forget it.

i am NOT afraid. famous last words, indeed.

dark of night, light of day

good lord. this has been the kind of day that just tries your SOUL. i mean, to start with, it's dark all the time now. that's draining enough; some of us little plants need the sun to grow and bloom, and all this night isn't the best thing for us. it's not that i don't like the darkness. i mean, most of my favorite things happen at night. but i need to see the sun from time to time or i get... chippy, let's say. it's almost like excessive darkness wraps my heart in a compression bandage. the bandage tightens really easily, which makes things feel raw, rough. it really kills my natural cheer, is what i'm saying.

hey. stop laughing. i can hear you from here. :)

all levity aside, though, the dark is one thing. but man, has it been a rough, awful day for tons of people i care about. work setbacks. personal challenges. health scares. dreams deferred. loved ones lost. it's enough to make you lose your faith, if you have any faith to lose.

i've really been off a step all weekend. i can't explain it; i've just not been on top of my game. i nearly threw a temper fit because the girl at mcdonald's messed up my order. i nearly lost my composure in the middle of a really nice dinner over... christ, i can't even remember why. and this afternoon, dealing with all the horror of the day, i lost it. driving back from lunch, the man and i kinda had it out over a misunderstanding over my worldview. and that's what it took to pull me back from the brink. why the HELL are you yelling at him? he didn't DO anything. he just didn't get your point. 

thankfully, i was able to get a hold of myself. i just stopped talking, which is what i usually do when i've screwed up, i know i need to apologize or change course, but i'm either not ready or not sure how to. he picked up on it and asked me if i was OK; i did my best to explain my insanity and try to make him understand. and what's amazing is, he seemed to. he kissed me, he wrapped his arms around me, and he held me close to him.

and just like that, the darkness broke a little. to be able to redeem myself from, really, inexcusable behavior just by virtue of his understanding how my brain works (or doesn't) touches me so deeply that it's hard to even contemplate for too long without getting overwhelmed. i always tell him when we're alone, "you're so good to me." his response is a simple, "i try." and the fact that he does try, even when i don't live up to my end of the bargain, gives me so much faith in him. he's always been a constant in my life. now more than ever, that's the truth, and my god, am i grateful for that.

shattered dreams

i've had a whole lot of fortune slung my way over the past few months. i really appreciate the hell out of what i've been given. not to be too cheesy or sappy, but a lot of my dreams really have come true. it's a damn nice feeling.

which makes it all the harder to know what to say when someone i care about has a dream deferred. it's rough to watch someone struggle to stay even-keeled when something he's worked so hard to get didn't come through for him. we suffered through the preparation together, commiserating, trusting in one another's ability to make this happen for ourselves. i got it. he didn't.

it's a gut punch, especially when i think about his level of qualification compared to mine. he's so much more ready to do what he wants than i am. but here i sit with the credential, and he doesn't have it. there's a lot of time for him to get what he needs; this is a temporary setback. but in the moment, it's just brutal to watch, to contemplate. and the worst part is that i don't think there's anything i can say or do to make him feel any better. so i get to sit by and watch while he goes through this process. my heart hurts for him, but there's nothing i can offer.

all i can do is silently support him, standing by while he picks up the shards of the dreams that have broken and starts the process of rebuilding them. whenever he wants a friend, i'm there. that's all i can do, and by god, i'll offer it.

nothing at all

my romantic history being what it is, i've never had the privilege of transitioning between long-term serious relationships before. prior to the ex, i only had small, short flings. my longest-lived dating experience before him was three months long. before that, it was seven weeks. i wasn't a "dater" in high school, and then i launched headlong into the whole ex thing.

so it's a learning curve of, frankly, biblical proportions these days. this is something that most people figure out in their early 20s, i think, the renegotiation of expectations, of behavior, etc. enter the man, who is a very different kind of guy from the ex. that is a wonderful thing on a lot of levels, but it poses a new challenge for me. i have to learn to read, to understand, to know what's being shown to me by my new love. it's not always easy.

i am accustomed to hearing a lot from the man in my life. i got really damn used to hearing "i love you" as often as i wanted. more so, really. and no matter what happened at the end, it was always nice, ALWAYS, to hear that. i got to a point where i craved it. now i've moved forward, into a new place, but the old habits have died hard. i want to hear it now, even still. but as demonstrative as the man is, and he is distinctly that, he just doesn't speak those words. i find myself applying the rules of the old game to the rubric of the new one. that just doesn't work. it's not even close to the same situation, and it's not fair to hold him to the old expectations.

getting frustrated by that old expectation also gives short shrift to the amazing things the man does for me, too. leaving all fairness aside, it's stupid as hell to get so hung up on one little thing that's "lacking," when really, there's nothing missing at all. it's a difference in expression. the ex talked. the man does. that's all. he really does say it best when he says nothing at all; the words are unnecessary. the quicker i learn that, the better state of mind i'll be in, and the closer to really appreciating the amazing thing i have in him.

under the wire

oops. almost forgot to check in today. let's just say that wine is a deterrent to memory. sigh. :)

anyway, it's been a decent day, without much to report. but nablopomo is a demanding mistress, so here i am. two things to contribute:

1) the man is amazing.

2) my friends are too.

more elaboration to follow. enjoy your friday nights. :)

happy

the man was so happy last night, y'all. we crawled into bed and watched the original back to the future, as remastered for blu-ray. it's one of his all-time favorite movies, and to see him just genuinely enjoy something was nothing short of transformative for me.

i'm all the hell over the place all the time nowadays. i'm up, i'm down, i'm all around. the concept of simple happiness is one that eludes me. between stress, anguish and generally being busy, i am rarely if ever still enough to just rest and take in the moment. i've also developed this really nasty habit of flying into deep negativity at the slightest provocation. the man is always trying to encourage me to slow down, relax, stop thinking and just be for once. last night, through him, though, i was finally able to do it. i let his satisfaction, reveling in one of his favorite things, wash over me, and lo and behold, it finally hit me.

bruce springsteen sang, "i don't need that sky of blue, babe; all i know is since i found you, i'm happy." the man, i'm discovering a little more each day, is the master of this feeling. he doesn't need anything other than his confidence in how things are. he tells me i should have more faith, trust a little more, be still, believe. funny how it took curling up and watching a movie to finally have that message driven home.

i'm listening, love. i promise.

fidelity

i did it - i'm sworn in. i'm allowed to go to court and represent people now. that's a pretty damn exciting achievement, not gonna lie. the ceremony was 99.999% made up of people reading off names - there were upwards of a thousand little baby lawyers birthed here today - but the rest of it focused on responsibility, duty, etc. we all took an oath of fidelity to the constitution and to the commonwealth.

fidelity. now there's a concept with which i've danced pretty much constantly for the last two years or so. it seems that the only way i could maintain fidelity to myself was to shatter it as far as certain others are concerned. and there's a tragedy in that, to be sure. but there's also a sense of hope, of possibility. today was the first day of the rest of my career. it was also a nice reminder about what loyalty is, and what it should be.

the man was with me today. (thank the gods he was, too - i was so nervous this morning that i nearly committed a serious wardrobe faux pas that he caught.) the loyalty we have to each other is the calm stream through my core that sustains me. there was also the support of my parents, the love of my friends far and wide, blog and non-blog (thanks, y'all - love ya back!), and the confidence of the HUGE legal community i've joined to sustain me.

but conspicuous in its absence was the stalwart of my old life. i mean, it's not like i didn't think about him a little today. how the hell could i not? this day was going to be totally different. but the thought that crossed my mind when he surfaced was, hmm. he's not here. this feels... right, actually. i had the correct dramatis personae locked in for this play. and as we raised our glasses to each other over lunch today, the oath of fidelity took on its real, true meaning for probably the first time in a long, long time. i took a sip and thought to myself, i promise to be true to you. "you" meaning him, but also meaning me.

so help me god.

change of the guard

tonight i'm in a hotel room, waiting to get sworn into the bar. i can no longer say i'm gonna be a lawyer when i grow up; i'm gonna be one tomorrow. that's deep enough. compounding matters significantly is the fact that this ceremony happens in a place that is thoroughly chocked to the gills with memories of the old life.

so how do i handle this? simple: by replacing bad thoughts with good ones. i drive the streets with a new companion, writing a new future over the old, dead past. it's largely successful so far, except for the weird gnawing sensation that i am nothing more than jimmy stewart in "vertigo," dressing the new love up to look like the old one.

my rational mind knows that this too shall pass, that the old life holds no dominion over any geographic location, that tomorrow will be one of the proudest moments of my life. but the man by my side will be different. there's a new sheriff in town. it'll take just a little more time, it seems, to fully grasp what that means.

walking with a ghost

the strain of the windup of my old life is really starting to show in me. it's becoming increasingly difficult to maintain an even keel through all of this. the cracks are a little more obvious, and it's really getting challenging to keep the rage and disappointment from seeping through and spattering themselves all over innocent bystanders. i truly believe that even those people who offer themselves as support, as comfort, during difficult times should be spared unnecessary emotional fallout (exhibit A: the man). but it's really getting hard to hold back the worst of it.

making things strangely, cruelly WORSE, though, is when things get a little better on that front. it's not that i want things to stay bad between us. far from it. i would love nothing more on this earth than to stay friendly with someone who used to matter so much to me. i can't express that strongly enough. but the savage nature of the way things are ending have cast so much doubt on the possibility of that ever happening. i am almost 100% resigned to chilly silence on that front.

but then, every so often, things like today happen. we had a real, honest and friendly conversation about mutual friends and recent events. good god, it was almost like the old days again. y'know, except for that whole severed ties, bitter arguments thing. to have things be so pleasant, so nice, so fun, knowing how angry and hurt he's made me time and time again, was alternately so amazing and thoroughly painful. i really can't react to this. i want it; i don't. it's violently bipolar.

the silent, angry path would be easier to walk now. it would hurt, but it would be simple. but there are dashes of good, pleasant and nice here and there that make this so much more complicated. his parents did the same thing: they fought bitterly, but then they danced like nothing changed at their son's wedding. is that my future with him? i don't know. i don't know if i want it to be. i have so much going for me down the road i walk alone. i have my dream career to reach for, i have the man i was meant to have. but there's this last vestige of... something. he's haunting the peripherals of my life, sometimes benevolently, sometimes malevolently. i don't know if i can manage what this means. all i know is that this makes the situation infinitely more complicated. is that what i want?