the wall

maybe it's the weather. maybe it's the season. but i'm starting to notice a certain... ambivalence, maybe, in my dealings with the other boy. we're both physically and emotionally close to each other, just as we have been the whole time. but it's starting to dawn on me that we're as involved with each other as we'll ever be. i think this realization has led to my disengaging a little.

he's been a constant joy and a thorn in my side for the entire run of this relationship. i love what we are to each other. but i hate, hate, hate the fact that there's this ever-so-thin wall between us, one that's entirely of his building. he's made the choice that this will only go so far. i've gone, over the course of things, from KNOWING he'd see the light, to HOPING he'd see the light, to realizing that he never will. and what is "the light?" well, basically, it's the fact that there's not another woman on the face of the planet who will ever care for him the way i have, do, and probably always will. i can't stand the fact that a) this is true, b) he can't or won't see it, and c) even if he knows it, and even if some part of him wants it, he can't or won't go there.

i love this boy. it's a deep and complex situation. but the foundations we've built this relationship on are so messed up that there's no possibility of things ever being white-picket-fence-ish between us. i guess it's asking too much to turn a lover into a partner, even if that lover was - and still is - your best friend. it's also asking too much of someone with so much iron will to remain aloof to break the wall down and let someone in. i wish so much that he'd drop the defenses. i just don't see it happening. i want him so much. i care about him so much. but, without malice, he's really doing a number on me. he cares about me as much as he can, and i know that. it's up to me to decide whether that's enough.

there just aren't words [TRUE STORY]

so i sit in the baltimore-washington international airport, hopefully boarding a flight back to the deep south sometime in the next hour. snowmageddon was everything it was advertised to be, and a whole lot more. 25 and a half inches of snow at my dad's place. travel nightmares all over creation. two solid days snowed into my dad's (and yes, everyone survived). just insane.

but you know what? don't none of it matter, as they say back down south. this weekend's headaches, which i'm sure aren't even close to being over, are all worth it. you see, i am a dedicated, faithful and true fan of the new orleans saints. have been since i was a tiny little child. in fact, daddy likes to tell me that he caught me drawing fleur-de-lis designs all over the underside of our coffee table when i was about four or five. when he asked me why, i told him, "because i love the saints!" this goes DEEP with me.

this year, after three years of time on the waiting list, i became a saints season ticket holder. the fact that there had to be a list at all was pretty mind-boggling; i remember when you could get tickets - good ones, too - on game day just by showing up to the superdome. but after katrina, when it became clear the team was coming back, a lot of people wanted to show support for the team. hell, the saints were one of the very few sources of normality in those dark days. i could even tell that from afar, watching the destruction and chaos with a broken heart. so i signed up, and lo and behold, i got my tickets.

this season has been nothing short of magical. that's not even close to a deep enough description. the 13-0 start. the lights-out play. it had a destiny sort of feel to it, like someone else was pulling the strings. even the late-season stumbles didn't cost us the number one seed going into the playoffs. i just had this feeling that this was going to be a special year. the two playoff games in the 'dome were amazing. absolutely amazing. i laughed and cried and hugged random strangers as we won the NFC championship game. walking down poydras street that night was just the most indescribable feeling. we were going to the super bowl. us, the saints - the black-and-gold ragtag goofballs of the NFL.

that's why i was here in the snow this weekend - i wanted to share the saints super bowl with my best friends, the boys i grew up with cheering on the saints. they'd get it above everyone else. so, in spite of 25 and a half inches of snow, we had a super bowl party. we cooked gumbo and jambalaya, we drank abita beer, and we hunkered down to watch the game. there are far better recaps available in the world, so i'll spare you. just know this - when tracy porter ran that interception back for a touchdown, i knew full well that we had it. and sure enough, we did. my boys won the super bowl. it's MAGIC.

i'm still in a daze. it's unreal. what a year to have been part of this. there's just something special, to say the least, about all of this. i can't believe it happened. and i'll never forget it, as long as i live.