maybe it's the weather. maybe it's the season. but i'm starting to notice a certain... ambivalence, maybe, in my dealings with the other boy. we're both physically and emotionally close to each other, just as we have been the whole time. but it's starting to dawn on me that we're as involved with each other as we'll ever be. i think this realization has led to my disengaging a little.
he's been a constant joy and a thorn in my side for the entire run of this relationship. i love what we are to each other. but i hate, hate, hate the fact that there's this ever-so-thin wall between us, one that's entirely of his building. he's made the choice that this will only go so far. i've gone, over the course of things, from KNOWING he'd see the light, to HOPING he'd see the light, to realizing that he never will. and what is "the light?" well, basically, it's the fact that there's not another woman on the face of the planet who will ever care for him the way i have, do, and probably always will. i can't stand the fact that a) this is true, b) he can't or won't see it, and c) even if he knows it, and even if some part of him wants it, he can't or won't go there.
i love this boy. it's a deep and complex situation. but the foundations we've built this relationship on are so messed up that there's no possibility of things ever being white-picket-fence-ish between us. i guess it's asking too much to turn a lover into a partner, even if that lover was - and still is - your best friend. it's also asking too much of someone with so much iron will to remain aloof to break the wall down and let someone in. i wish so much that he'd drop the defenses. i just don't see it happening. i want him so much. i care about him so much. but, without malice, he's really doing a number on me. he cares about me as much as he can, and i know that. it's up to me to decide whether that's enough.
Letter 70: Be Louder
4 weeks ago