clarity

i am often accused of being somewhat overconfident. not surprising; i am an egotistical only child. the world may not revolve around me, but by god, it should. this sense of sureness in the moment can sometimes lead me to make some insane choices. the phrase "it seemed like a good idea at the time" may very well be my epitaph.

there have been times in this slog through emotional purgatory that i've felt that the choice to break free and start anew was one of those good ideas at the time, that i'd eventually come to regret it and want nothing more to be back in that comfortable, sweet place i used to have. it is with great pleasure that i can announce that, for once in my life, i have 100% made the right decision.

i've had a lot of opportunity this week to throw in the towel, open my arms back up and say, let's forget all this and try one more time. that idea has, for lack of a better term, been forced down my throat. it's been all i could do to maintain my composure - and it's been a serious challenge - but there hasn't been a single moment when i've been tempted. in fact, this has been a forge, tempering my resolve into the strongest steel possible. i have never been more correct in my assessment of something than i have with this. i am on the right path. as soon as the mandatory clock runs, i will be a free bitch, baby. and it will be exactly correct. the way forward has never, ever been this clear.

origin myth

he and i are no stranger to scandal. we've carefully constructed this reality between ourselves, cultivating our private indulgences far outside the pale of what our friends would accept. instead of running away, killing ourselves over it, we've adopted it as our new reality. i live a double life, carefully building my realities depending on the audience and hoping like hell that the two halves can stay separated long enough to ride out the required delay. he aids and abets me, willingly, gladly shepherding me down this path and guarding all my secrets.

i lay there with him that first night, listening to him assure me that i wasn't crazy. i felt so much relief after that conversation. he'd really talked me down off the ledge; i was totally okay after that. i drifted off next to him in that big hotel bed. not the first time we'd slept next to each other. but the change came when he crossed that line, when he reached out his hands and touched me, just so, on the back of my neck, running his fingers through my hair. i lay there still, my heart racing, as his hands undid all the calm of his words a few short hours earlier. he made himself a liar then and there. i could ignore this. i could stop him...

...or i could bite into that apple and fall from grace once and for all. i drew in breath. this decision would require courage, more courage than i had to rely on. i whispered, "do you know what you're doing?" it would be the closest i'd come to acknowledging his double-edged intentions. he ran his hand over my shoulders and down my back. i drew in breath again, for other reasons.

"i think so." as our lips touched, we sealed our fate. stripping each other down and drinking deeply from one another, we bonded ourselves together in our secrecy, our treachery against my situation and our conspiracy to ourselves. we could never go back. it was changed forever. the only reality we will ever know again will be twined with the feeling of skin against skin, the illicit thrill of indulgence and the breathless danger of breaking rules.

we have always been intellectual rebels, riding the streets of our sleepy hometown with the knowledge that we were different, better, more than what we saw through the windows of his car. with that kiss, the rebellion crystallized, raised to a whole new level of disregard for convention. teenage angst is trite and overdone. a grown man and a grown woman, looking the rules of society in the face and spurning them in pursuit of pleasure, comfort, happiness, damn all the consequences? now that's a bold statement. we joined hands and jumped. we didn't bother to look down. we just fell together, never wondering or even caring what would happen when the clouds parted.

partner in crime redux

you make me feel like the most desirable woman on the face of the earth. you are insatiable, hungry, and eager, while still nominally in charge of everything that happens. you speak to that insecure teenager inside of me, the girl who still gets surprised that any boy would take the time to talk to her. you make me ravenous, daring, reckless. you're the type of man who inspires late-night trysts in taxicabs and back booths, stolen sensuality ringed in cigarette smoke and tinged in bourbon. you are excitement, danger, foolish abandon. you bring out parts of me i thought were long dead.

i could do this forever. the ego boost alone is worth it. you know just how to get to me, and you do it gladly every time. where shall we go next?

what have i become?

sometimes i take a look at my life and think, holy hell. how in the name of god did all of this happen? often, this is because of good things. i had one of those thoughts right before the vice chancellor read my name and i walked across the stage at my law-school commencement. rarely, this is because of bad things. but most often, it's a cocktail of amazing and heartbreaking that brings me to this state of mind. that's where i sit today.

there are so many fun, exciting and interesting parts of my life these days. i'm coming into my own as a professional, as a city dweller, and as a person in general. there are flirtations new and ongoing, twists and turns that surprise me as much as they take my breath away. the future holds nothing but new possibilities. and yet, there are portions of this existence that just break me into pieces. my heart just bleeds when i think about the final shattering of my old life. there is still so much hurt, so much disappointment there. being confronted with this and unable to do anything about it... it hurts me more than i can bear.

i'm starting to wonder, really wonder, what it is that i'm made of. i'm starting to think it may not be as good as i originally thought. maybe the carefully constructed layers of maturity, reason, kindness are nowhere near as deep as i intend them to be. it's possible that i am really just as bankrupt as every other sociopath out there. that this whole self-determination kick is a hollow charade designed to give myself psychological permission to just behave in a thoroughly ruthless manner without having to feel the repercussions of that ruthlessness. the deftness with which i spin this image scares me.

maybe this happens because i lack something other people have. and if that's the case, what becomes of me? who wins, the better angels or the lesser demons? and if the demons win sometimes, does it even matter if the angels ever win?

does the darkness in my dreams control me?