upgrade

i went to my new school for the first time today. it was kinda fun, in that nervous-unsure way starting something new always is. i picked up my ID card, went to an interview and used the library for the first time. let me tell you, i have definitely hit the majors. i imagine this is what guys feel like when they leave scranton/wilkes-barre and show up at yankee stadium: there's a palpable sense of BIG LEAGUES when you walk through the door.

i love learning. it's why i went into an intellectual discipline for my career. and though i loved the hell out of my law-school experience, it's supremely exciting to be set loose in this marble playground for the next year. i'm bound and determined to soak up every single drop that i can while it's my sole job to learn tax law in this legal-education paradise. it's a new feeling to me to have the best in life laid at my feet. i'm a teacher's kid. i went to public school in the deep south. i graduated from a state university for undergrad and law school. but this? oh, man. this is a cathedral of legal learning. the doors this will open for me should be pretty nice ones. i should be able to reach a much higher level than i would otherwise have been able to reach. i am grateful as hell, and i'm going to make the most of this.

it's a big damn deal. i'm open to this. let's go get it.

rumspringa

[definition]

american society in the twenty-first century is a cocktail of conflicting impulses so strong that we're all a little drunk, stumbling around trying to make sense of it. i mean, there are so many possibilities in the world these days, but we're all still hamstrung by nineteenth- and twentieth-century conceptions of social interactions. it's a wonder there's not more outright rebellion against these strictures.

the new york times had a long, drawn-out article about growing up today. apparently, people are just now realizing that modern young adults are taking a look around and outwardly questioning the way things are. the article, though it does strive to be objective, has a tinge of disapproval running through it. i mean, every large-scale social change we've ever had has come with a large dose of opprobrium from the old-school standard bearers in the world, and what's more old-school than the old gray lady? but towards the end of the article, there's a passing mention of how we can alter our conception of young adulthood. the author floats the idea of a season of release from the strictures of traditional maturity, allowing people to explore options and just... live... without worrying about judgment or criticism.

yeah. like that'll ever happen as long as someone keeps giving sarah palin and her ilk camera time or access to twitter. there's a billion-dollar industry devoted to pearl-clutching over societal evolution, and it's way too wedded to the powers that be to ever have hope of real change. sigh.

so those of us who seek something better, something truer, something more realistic than the old way of life are forced to exist in the shadow of this judgment. i've decided that i don't need a social revolution to start a personal revolution. i choose to live for myself in ways that most people who subscribe to a standard system of beliefs, ideology, etc. probably wouldn't enjoy. i was told once by one of the few people who know the full truth about my life that i am brave for doing this. i don't find it to be bravery, exactly. i find it to be perhaps the purest form of authenticity i can achieve. i have to do what i see fit.

there is collateral damage in my new way of life; for that, i'm sorry. i really am. i wish there was a way to be true to myself without hurting people. but there's always destruction in a revolution. i choose to leave my old life, my old slavery to things that please others, and pursue a route that pleases me. perhaps someday i'll come back to the fold, as many youth set free on rumspringa do. but there's an excellent chance that being true to myself is a permanent development. if that's the case, so be it. there's a freedom in total self-devotion that, frankly, i relish beyond all belief. it's going to be hard as hell to go back now that i've tasted it...

a way with words

you have this knack for finding me late at night when i'm all alone, your calls coming only when it's most convenient. you're a great conversationalist; you have been since the beginning. we can talk for hours about anything and nothing, deep or shallow. but you don't want to talk about anything, or nothing. you have a specific goal tonight, i think.

i encourage you as much as i can. i write you manifestos, promising any imaginable pursuit you could want. you up the ante, and i respond. but when it comes to conversations like this, well, my southern starts showing. as bold as i am, i get a little shy. does that surprise you? no matter. i think you're flexible enough to take the lead. i'm a traditional woman in some regards, and that means that if you lead, you'll find me quite responsive indeed.

there you go. you start the evening's storyline right where our writing left off. you've got a fantastic voice for this, low and slow, deep and assured. you lead me where you want me to go, and i gladly follow you. with each exchange, as your breath grows heavier, i finally lose my apprehensions and let go. my words spin forth with surprising ease; it's not every day that i indulge myself out loud like this. but your reaction is worth it. i may very well have rendered you speechless with my whispers, my entreaties, painting you the picture of how things would be were we not separated by so many miles.

when our story reaches its end, i lay back against my pillows and take stock of myself. you've, as always, done a number on me, your verbal skills finding their target so easily and so well. and from the sound of it, i hit my mark with you as well. good. i aim to please, after all. but you are the inspiration for all of this. don't forget that. our adventures together just entered a new realm. as long as you don't mind leading; a lady does know her place. well, sometimes...

texts from last night

i have a new text plan - i now get unlimited messages every month. it was the only thing i could do; overage charges are a bitch and a half, and this was the only way to stave off a nasty surprise in the next billing cycle. really, you'd think 1500 messages a month would be enough for someone like me. hell, up until this summer, i'd never used more than 500.

but you've suddenly taken over my phone in ways i never imagined. oh, it started innocently enough; a question here, a funny observation there. no big deal. that's how we've always been. but then came the other night. started off as a chat about football, laughing about something stupid some analyst said. but then, every other comment was laced with a level of innuendo i'd never seen from you. you usually save talk like that for when we're alone, behind closed doors. you surprised me, my dear. that night, you led a master class in seduction in 160 characters or less. a slow, teasing burn, never directly letting on, but working on me in ways you knew would get to me. finally, you broke me down, calling me from my bed and across town to yours. i walked barefoot into your house and tore into you like you were water and i was lost in the desert. you hit your mark, no question.

and ever since you drew me to you that night, you've shown an interest in me both pure and impure. every night, innocent or lurid, we're texting each other. even as i write this tonight, we're in mid-conversation on my phone. (mmm.) you intrigue me beyond belief. we've talked about this, and you've told me time and time again that there's nothing behind the wall. i don't think you're lying to me. i just wonder if you're as sure of that statement as you were before. maybe i've shown you something. maybe you've changed. maybe this is nothing more than a new level of flirtation. i can't be sure. i'm not certain if i even care.

just tread lightly. be careful. and for god's sake, don't stop.