Friday, September 17, 2010
leave it to the bad influence in me to drag you out tonight. you're so much more content to stay in the house and drink beer, but now that you're with me, you may be forced to take me out every once in awhile. i mean, you should be pretty damn proud to be seen with a woman like me. i cut quite an exceptional figure when i want to, and tonight i've really done it up right.
"because i feel it all fading and paling, and i'm begging to drag you down with me to kick the last nail in."
i've lived a hard life the last couple of years. i've drank too much, gambled too hard, and you've been complicit in all of it. i'm better now; a lot more stable, a lot more sanguine. but there are still these dark rivers of mood in me that need to be worked out in the worst kinds of ways. so you're still on the hook. take me out tonight. take me anywhere, i don't care, i don't care, i don't care.
"yeah, i like you in that, like i like you to scream, but if you open your mouth then i can't be responsible for quite what goes in or to care what comes out..."
sometimes the mood so strikes, and i turn into someone else when it happens. this is one of those nights. i like to watch you watch me work, watch me pin you to the spot with my eyes. you're going to be mine tonight, and while you knew that before you came here, you don't know what dark secrets i'm going to unleash on you. you'll bleed for me before this night is done, figuratively if not literally. i like you this way: on your toes, cautious, unsure. you're usually the one with all the confidence, all the control. but you're going to see how the other half lives once i get enough champagne in me. you've been the boss long enough. i hurt tonight; because i do, you're going to hurt as well.
"and let's move to the beat like we know that it's over..."
it's not really your fault. you've done the best you could to reassure me. but you know what? sometimes the darkness is stronger than the force of your will. and that's why i've got you out here tonight. you'll endure this, because i'm worth it to you. you're actually dancing with me, following the lead i give you. that's the way it works tonight. and you'll eat it up like sugar candy, because i told you to. that's the twist i want, and it's what you'll give me. this may as well be the last night on earth for the way i feel. i will get what i want. and that's you, on your knees for me.
someday, you will ache like i ache. and that day is now. feel it. feel it all. that's the only way you'll know what you've gotten yourself into.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
it's been a long, hard couple years for me on the emotional front. even as i finished law school and all my professional ambitions came true, my relationship, the one steadfast truth i had throughout my very trying early 20s, became something that, let's face it, didn't work anymore. i was rocked to my core when i realized that. i was in denial. i said things and did things that were completely at odds with my emotions, whatever they happened to be at any given time.
long about january of this year, i decided that writing in my journal and talking to my shrink wasn't cutting the mustard anymore. i needed a more public forum to work through the psychic upheaval. i didn't want to spill the details all over the internet in uncensored form, so i settled on the format you know and love today. largely true, partially fiction. composite characters, wildly extrapolated situations, etc.
and lo and behold, i built it and y'all came. that was a really exciting thing for me: holy hell, people read my work and like it. and as i wrote, things in 100% real life became clearer. through the process of interacting with y'all, telling my story, i came to realize what had to be done. finally, after all my hemming and hawing, i pulled the trigger this week. i am moving forward with my life, trying to catch my emotions up with my professional progress and, y'know, get happy.
so i have to thank everyone here. my little band of readers and friends from far and wide has sustained me through this dark season. in all honesty, even those of y'all who are only known to me through aliases and avatars have been indispensable as i've sorted all of this out. i will always remember the kindness you've shown me as i've blown my life apart and started to rebuild it. you've all played a role in the process. so as i move forward, i plan on keeping y'all updated, spinning my little yarns and dissecting my heart and soul through the art and science of badly-capitalized internet-based essays. i hope y'all stick around. you're all pretty important to me.
thanks, y'all. couldn't have done it without you.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
you're never far from my mind, you know, no matter how good i am at keeping you at bay. (you weren't wrong about the arm's-length treatment; it's a very good coping mechanism.) i do not have a single regret about this course of action. it's the best thing for both of us, it's what i want, and it's what i need. but that doesn't mean that it's not sad, way sadder than i ever imagined, to see this day finally arrive. not that you'd know how i feel today if you look at me. i'm really skilled at moving forward when i have to, and this is one of those times. but there's a small frayed place in my soul, torn a little more each time, that belongs to you and will forever.
that's the crux of all this where you and i are concerned, i think. i didn't try to be cruel or indifferent to your needs in pursuing mine; i am trying desperately to maintain things as well as i can, but in being true to my humanity, i've inadvertently destroyed yours. sigh. at the end of the day, as it turns out, you were better at being a part of this relationship than i was. i gave you as much as i had to give you. looks like it wasn't what even i thought it would be. i failed at the modest task which was my charge, and that was simply being enough of a selfless person to make room for your flaws.
"a tragic victim of my circumstance; never give the devil a second chance. if you do, you know that you can never win - probably best to forget and begin again..."
so here we are. we lost. fitting that all of this comes to an end this week, so many years after we pledged ourselves to each other in the sorrow and confusion of the falling of the towers. we clung to each other in the wake of the madness, when everything permanent was stripped down to its skeletal remains and the harsh reality of the loss we faced collided with our adolescent immortality. funny how that's not really a great way to build a future, isn't it. i dedicated myself to you with passion, intensity and a total lack of thought. that's the real reason we lost. there's nothing to be gained from clinging to scraps. time to box up the memories, the laughs, the ups, the downs and put them in the back of the closet, to be looked through on the occasional rainy day with something approaching warm nostalgia. the bitter will slowly leach out of the sweet. at least, that's my hope.
consider this a statement of, not conciliation, but sorrow. i didn't want this to be the way things ended. hell, up until recently, i didn't think there would be an end. but here we are. we've reached the conclusion. and for everything i've done, and god knows i've done a lot, i'm sorry. i let you down. there's no way to recover from it, either. all i can do is give you this.
Monday, September 13, 2010
we had a nice, long talk last night. i don't know where it came from. i think it was the crazy acceleration of my life-change timetable, but something had me feeling kinda sped-up and unsure, like the ground underneath me was sliding around under my feet. i want to be so careful with him; he's such a vital piece of my life, and i don't ever want to be without him. he's so wired into my soul that it makes me... well, the feeling is equal parts bliss and terror, i think. i am so incredibly at peace when he wraps his arms around me and kisses me. i want to hold onto this feeling forever.
so i did what the wine told me to: i spilled my guts. and once again, i had it shown to me in no uncertain terms that honesty is the very best policy when you're dealing with something this important. he can settle my soul and melt my heart with a single sentence. he deals in an economy of words; unlike me, when things are important, he will not make grand, sweeping declarations. this not only gives his words more power, it gives me confidence when he does say something to me. he shows me what he feels, and that's what matters. the rest? window dressing.
the truth is in his kiss, his touch, and even his cautious nature. we tread lightly, but we move forward together. that's what matters.
but i also, without any help from the boys, fixed an entire dinner for them. i brought beer to them, laid out their plates, the whole nine yards. i do this from time to time; i get a weird charge out of being a well-rounded woman (brains and domesticity all in one package!). but it's strange how this guy brings out this instinct in me. when i was in my old relationship, i HATED to cook. dear god, it was such a chore. and it's not like my workload was that much different then than it is now. quite the contrary. but with a new man, a new group of people in my life, and a new outlook on things, i find myself so much more willing to do things like this.
there's a lot of argument in this world about what it means to be a feminist, a liberated woman, etc., etc., etc. i've never been too interested in laying down a definition of appropriate "feminist bona fides." i've always felt like the whole point of being pro-woman is embracing the just infinite menu of choices in this world available to men and allowing that same menu of choice to be available to women at the same time. so i guess it's that same openness that allows me to get into good-natured yelling matches with my man's friends about sports, then turn around and serve them dinner with no issues.
this is modern love. this is modern life. a woman can, and should, stand her ground in her choices, no matter what they are. own who you are in front of the people you love. it's the best way to be true to yourself, and it's the most feminist stand you can take. bake a cake. shoot a gun. cheer like hell for your favorite football team (WHODAT!). just be who you are. if he's a real man, he won't be scared of anything you do. he'll love you all the more for being open, free and honest.
and if he's a keeper, he'll do the dishes. mine did. :)