i've always been told that being patient is something i should think about doing from time to time. and yet, somehow, it's never been my strong suit. i am the most impatient person who has ever lived on this earth. i hate waiting. i want what i want, when i want it. veruca salt, eat your heart out, baby girl; it is i who wants the world, who wants the whole world. i want bows in my hair, and i don't want to share. well, that might be a slight exaggeration. but the fact of the matter is that it is a distinct annoyance in my life that i can't have things ordered as i prefer them. cases in point: the man is still not home, and i still don't know what i'm doing after may 22 of this year. i have no control over anything anymore. i am not a woman who enjoys feeling powerless, and i detest this rootless feeling that's starting to creep in around the edges of my life these days.
i had a job interview yesterday! sweet! that's amazing... until i found out that 42 people applied for the position, which is new-kid attorney at what will be a six-person firm. they're interviewing 14, of which 3 will be called back for a fit interview. uh, yeah. i nailed that interview, i KNOW i did, but i am starting to get the sense that none of it matters. there are plenty of good lawyers in this world. it's just not our market. i will probably not get that job. this is the numbers game i will be forced to play from this point forward, too. this, of course, means that i can do everything 110% perfectly... and it probably won't matter. it will all come down to what some partner wants that day. totally up to chance. and there's no way to control it.
the man will be home sunday afternoon. thank. GOD. i absolutely love how good he is at what he does, and i'm glad he's happy. but i am starting to get the feeling that this is the first of many, many times i'll have to face the notion of him trucking happily off to some other semi-developed (at best) foreign land to work with do-gooders. he'll love it... and two things will be true: i will hate it, and there will be nothing i can do to change it. i have no say in any of this. not that i would, necessarily, invoke a say if i had one. that's the point of adulthood, right? i'm always on about self-determination, so i'd be just the worst sort of hypocrite if i didn't grant that to him. but if i ran things? this would never, ever happen again. i would never have to deal with this kind of uncertainty again. but there's nothing i can do to control this. he's chasing his dream. i'm left to deal with the aftermath.
oh, and there's the place where professional and personal angst meet: what the hell am i going to do if i have to leave this area for a job? what would i do if the only way to make a living doing what i love only exacerbates the separation between us? what then? ugh. there's so much going on right now that i completely detest. all i can do is wait through it, walk through it and live through it. i can control none of it, and i can't accelerate the waiting time. all i can do is try my damnedest to be patient. it's a virtue, i'm told. well, i don't know much about either virtue or patience. but apparently, the world has decided that it's high time i learn.
all right, universe. you're on. let's do this.
Letter 70: Be Louder
4 weeks ago