Thursday, October 28, 2010

chain stitch

i have spent the entire day sitting at a sewing machine. no, it isn't 1950; i haven't discovered a brand-new suzy homemaker personality under the go-getter attorney. i, because i am far too nice for my own good, apparently, willingly volunteered to help the man's roommate with his halloween group costume magnum opus. you would not BELIEVE how difficult it is to find a red tunic big enough for a former high-school football player. so i said, "no big deal. i'll sew it for you."

ha. great idea, mags. really great. three hours of shopping for notions, during which we all nearly killed each other. two more hours of cutting and measuring. and the piece de resistance: four and a half hours of sewing the damn thing together. actual operation of sewing machine? maybe an hour. MAYBE. the rest of it was spent staring at pieces of cloth, thinking, there is no way in hell that i am this stupid, but how the hell does this piece attach to that one?!?!?!? but at long last, it's done, and not a moment too soon.

i am running on fumes these days. it's shown in my writing, but there are major stresses in my life. i won't even detail the latest blow to my life, because a) it wouldn't be prudent, given the tone things have taken, and b) i don't think there are words to describe how it makes me feel. suffice it to say that, in a few major respects, life could not get a whole lot worse.

now, i say that. but really, that doom and gloom only really covers a couple of parts of my life. it feels huge, overwhelming, but there's a lot of good to be had in my world these days. i mean, i reached my biggest goal: i'm a lawyer. i passed a bar exam. school seems to be going pretty well, though it's stressing me out. (that's the stress i'm used to, though, so i hardly count it as stress.) in a few days, i'll hold up my right hand and affirm to uphold the constitution in my new vocation.

and the biggest reason my life is not taken over completely by darkness? i'm sitting in his room writing this right now. last night was the lowest point in my troubles. i couldn't even pretend. he asked me, "are you okay?" all i could do was shake my head. but he insisted on sitting next to me, kissing my shoulder, talking me down. he would not rest until he was sure i was going to be okay, at least in the short term. i said, "thank you for listening." he said, "it's my job, and it has been for a long time." he's right about that, too.

we're stitched together, he and i, in a lot of ways. i suppose we always have been. but now more than ever, those threads are so vital to my sanity. his loyalty and his dedication to me have been among the few constants of my life. now that he's more to me than he ever has been, they've taken on a new meaning. i need him as much as i love him, i want him, i enjoy him. and he's more than willing to stay with me. the ties that bind us hold more than a relationship together. they hold the pieces of my heart together. i couldn't trust him with that job more.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

cheap reward

"oh, i was trying to get away from the things that i always do..."
in case you missed the point of why you don't live here anymore, i'll state it again. see, you're emblematic of a pattern in my life that was, well, completely destructive. i went into things trying to remake myself in an image that you'd enjoy. sure it was stupid, but that's the way it is. too late to go back and do something about it. so i admitted i was wrong and cut the cord. but you're angry at me for realizing how wrong i was. nothing that can be done about that, either, i suppose. but my god, it's like you've gone out of your way to lash out at me every way you can. keep proving me right, my dear.

"all the sign posts on this road, they point one way."
i did my level best to make this civil. i suppose niceties were too much to hope for between us, especially when you seem so hellbent on making me feel just as bad as you do. well, i'm sorry you're hurting. i really am. that wasn't the point of all of this. but all the kindness i try to show you just ends up backfiring. that's frustrating as hell. the decline of our interactions breaks my heart.

"i'll turn the light out now, 'cause there's nothing more to say, and it's all been lost before, so there's nothing to lose..."
i think the worst part of all of this is that we used to be able to talk. that's how all this started; we talked for HOURS that first night. now, we can't even talk about anything without things escalating, getting all emotional, getting heated. it's painful. it's becoming increasingly apparent to me that all that we worked so long to build has been decimated, and further that there won't be something tenable to replace it. it's as over as it can be. and it's nothing short of unbelievable that this has happened. i tried. i failed. there's nothing more i can do, and honestly, there's nothing more i want to do. you don't want to maintain a relationship with me. i don't want to beat my head against the wall. there's nothing more to say besides the wind-up.

"lip service, that's all you'll ever get from me. how could you believe i'd take you seriously, with your cheap rewards, your blackmail, and your comical rage?"
and that means you get a version of me that you know full well isn't real. you used to know who i was. but thanks to the way you've let things devolve, you don't anymore. i've changed. you don't get to appreciate it. it's not like i didn't try. but it's all for naught, now. so you get the shell of me, the outer armor i've been forced to develop around you. i can't take this situation any other way. you lash out at me, you twist the things i say, you try to make me hurt the way you do. sorry. i don't believe in your act anymore. i can't do it. i am ready to move on.

"just remember: you'll only be the boss so long as you pay my wage." 
but it's not quite that easy. we're totally entwined financially, and it's just going to take time to get everything split up. until the time i don't need you anymore, i'm going to have to deal with it. but when i don't need you anymore, you'll still have your hooks in me, for a long, long time. i agree to this. i accept it. better than ezra once sang, "hope i never see the price of my freedom." yeah, turns out i will see the price. i'll see it until you're forty years old. but if that's what it takes, so freaking be it. and this is how it ends - writing checks, signing papers, and hardening my heart against you. that is so incredibly tragic, and in spite of my best efforts, that's just the way it has to be.

Monday, October 25, 2010

blood oath

i had a rough, rough night last night. it came out of nowhere. quite literally, as i lay there in the man's arms, something felt funny. as soon as i could, i got up and... oh, i'll spare you the details. suffice it to say that there was suddenly, with no reason, quite a bit of blood. not ambulance-level, but a lot. i came back to bed, and i told him what had happened.

there are a number of reasons why this could have happened, but there's one in particular that it could be that led us to face a very sobering reality. so we talked. we hashed out the what-ifs, our plans, our fears and our dreams. and the conversation took turns i didn't see, i didn't like and i didn't want. the same is definitely true for him. but we looked at each other and we faced all the struggles, all the fears, head-on. in the end, with his arms wrapped around me tight, i felt every last word he's said to me renew themselves over and over again.

sometimes the things you have to fight for aren't just little. sometimes the struggles are large, frightening, complex. but when you face them down, pledged to each other, and you work it out together, that's when you know what you've got. and i have more than i could ever have imagined.