i have spent the entire day sitting at a sewing machine. no, it isn't 1950; i haven't discovered a brand-new suzy homemaker personality under the go-getter attorney. i, because i am far too nice for my own good, apparently, willingly volunteered to help the man's roommate with his halloween group costume magnum opus. you would not BELIEVE how difficult it is to find a red tunic big enough for a former high-school football player. so i said, "no big deal. i'll sew it for you."
ha. great idea, mags. really great. three hours of shopping for notions, during which we all nearly killed each other. two more hours of cutting and measuring. and the piece de resistance: four and a half hours of sewing the damn thing together. actual operation of sewing machine? maybe an hour. MAYBE. the rest of it was spent staring at pieces of cloth, thinking, there is no way in hell that i am this stupid, but how the hell does this piece attach to that one?!?!?!? but at long last, it's done, and not a moment too soon.
i am running on fumes these days. it's shown in my writing, but there are major stresses in my life. i won't even detail the latest blow to my life, because a) it wouldn't be prudent, given the tone things have taken, and b) i don't think there are words to describe how it makes me feel. suffice it to say that, in a few major respects, life could not get a whole lot worse.
now, i say that. but really, that doom and gloom only really covers a couple of parts of my life. it feels huge, overwhelming, but there's a lot of good to be had in my world these days. i mean, i reached my biggest goal: i'm a lawyer. i passed a bar exam. school seems to be going pretty well, though it's stressing me out. (that's the stress i'm used to, though, so i hardly count it as stress.) in a few days, i'll hold up my right hand and affirm to uphold the constitution in my new vocation.
and the biggest reason my life is not taken over completely by darkness? i'm sitting in his room writing this right now. last night was the lowest point in my troubles. i couldn't even pretend. he asked me, "are you okay?" all i could do was shake my head. but he insisted on sitting next to me, kissing my shoulder, talking me down. he would not rest until he was sure i was going to be okay, at least in the short term. i said, "thank you for listening." he said, "it's my job, and it has been for a long time." he's right about that, too.
we're stitched together, he and i, in a lot of ways. i suppose we always have been. but now more than ever, those threads are so vital to my sanity. his loyalty and his dedication to me have been among the few constants of my life. now that he's more to me than he ever has been, they've taken on a new meaning. i need him as much as i love him, i want him, i enjoy him. and he's more than willing to stay with me. the ties that bind us hold more than a relationship together. they hold the pieces of my heart together. i couldn't trust him with that job more.
Letter 70: Be Louder
4 weeks ago