Tuesday, November 16, 2010


it's dark. it's really, really dark. i try so hard to be positive, to muddle through the pain, the anger, the annoyance and the stress with all the resolve i can muster. but by god, this hurts. i am starting to feel the old rebellious streak rise up in me, the one who says, y'know, why the hell SHOULD life be this hard? what the hell is the point of trying to maintain, be on an even keel? this world does nothing but throw curveballs at you. and that, my friends, is a place i'd just as soon never see again.

see, i have a double-barreled challenge to overcome here: 1) my mother's serious mental health issues, many of which are supposedly genetic; 2) a history of... allowing the darkness to control me, so to speak. i have done so well over the past decade or so at keeping my head above water, managing my emotions. but with stressor upon stressor upon heartbreak upon fear piling up, my carefully-arranged psyche is starting to crack, starting to show signs of wear.

i know what i need to do. i know what i should do. but by god, i can't be the only person on the face of the earth who is seriously, intensely incensed by the fact that life has to be so much work. really. why the hell does this have to be such a struggle all the time? why is it that i have to fight so incredibly hard just to get through the day without succumbing to the forces that are trying to destroy me? i look around at most of the people in my life, who i know don't have perfect lives, but at least seem to have okay enough lives, and i am seethingly jealous. it makes me so angry. i have to try so goddamned hard just to get out of bed in the morning these days. it's so much fucking work. my emotional life is so much in tatters that it's cutting me to shreds. compounding this is the fact that i know people with real, life-threatening challenges who are so much more successful at staying... sane, i guess. the guilt of that compounds all of this even more.

so that's where i stand. it's a damn cold night, and i'm here, alone in my room, doing everything i can to keep my demons at bay and my angels close by. i will make it through this. i know. but sometimes, i get so goddamned tired. the test is whether i drop my hand from the wheel and let things go, or whether i somehow scare up enough resolve to keep it going.


  1. Girlfriend! Please, please, keep writing...at least we'll know where you are.
    To get all Dr.Phil on you, I blame this "life is so hard" attitude on life being so easy when we were younger. I blame it on being told we can be and do anything we want when clearly now that we're here, we know that isn't true.
    I had an swim coach in college that got on my case after I missed several practices. I had been depressed and it was winter time so the dark was having its way w/ me too. He pulled me aside, listened to my excuse and said "you must do something in order to feel better. You can't wait to feel better before doing something."
    So friend, please pick yourself and do SOMETHING. Turn on all the lights and dust the living hell out of your house or do jumping jacks until your lungs beg you to stop. Exhaust yourself physically so your mind can be distracted by the good endorphins and you can find a little peace.
    I hope I'm not preaching. Please be well. (and I need you next week, you know!)

  2. I Like Maddie's response to you... it's great!

    Please DO keep writing... when the wheels come off, the easiest thing in the world for us to do is quit... to stop...

    While visiting this woman I used to see, I was journaling... she inquired about what I was writing and I read it to her... it was two statements... they were:

    (01) Life is Easy... I make it more complicated than it needs to be...

    (02) Life is Hard... I tend to over-simplify it...

    She commented to me that the two statements were polar opposites. Of course they were... that was the conundrum I was getting ready to explore. I still write about them...

    When Life tend to be going pretty ok, do you feel you tend to try to sabotage it?

    People tell me I'm crazy when I talk about how I try to "slow things down" when I feel things getting difficult in my Life, but it works for me.

    ... and as I tell my students, there is only one way that they are guaranteed to lose... and that's to totally stop. Just quit. Just give up...

    You will win. You are a winner.


  3. Life is ridiculously harder than it has to be. Be nice to yourself for at least a few hours. Indulge yourself a little. Then, tomorrow, start fresh.

  4. Of course, I'm sure you know all the stuff about maintaining perspective and finding reasons to be grateful and being kind to yourself with rest and nutrition, but don't forget our helpful chemical friends either. Especially if you know that there is a genetic component and it isn't just situational.

  5. Wow, this reminds me of my "I'm tired" post that is similar to this feeling...why does stuff have to be such a struggle all the time in life? I hope it improves, I wish I had the right words. All I can do is empathize.


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