fidelity

i did it - i'm sworn in. i'm allowed to go to court and represent people now. that's a pretty damn exciting achievement, not gonna lie. the ceremony was 99.999% made up of people reading off names - there were upwards of a thousand little baby lawyers birthed here today - but the rest of it focused on responsibility, duty, etc. we all took an oath of fidelity to the constitution and to the commonwealth.

fidelity. now there's a concept with which i've danced pretty much constantly for the last two years or so. it seems that the only way i could maintain fidelity to myself was to shatter it as far as certain others are concerned. and there's a tragedy in that, to be sure. but there's also a sense of hope, of possibility. today was the first day of the rest of my career. it was also a nice reminder about what loyalty is, and what it should be.

the man was with me today. (thank the gods he was, too - i was so nervous this morning that i nearly committed a serious wardrobe faux pas that he caught.) the loyalty we have to each other is the calm stream through my core that sustains me. there was also the support of my parents, the love of my friends far and wide, blog and non-blog (thanks, y'all - love ya back!), and the confidence of the HUGE legal community i've joined to sustain me.

but conspicuous in its absence was the stalwart of my old life. i mean, it's not like i didn't think about him a little today. how the hell could i not? this day was going to be totally different. but the thought that crossed my mind when he surfaced was, hmm. he's not here. this feels... right, actually. i had the correct dramatis personae locked in for this play. and as we raised our glasses to each other over lunch today, the oath of fidelity took on its real, true meaning for probably the first time in a long, long time. i took a sip and thought to myself, i promise to be true to you. "you" meaning him, but also meaning me.

so help me god.