light of day

it's funny how the sun can change your perspective on things. it's almost like being a little kid sometimes: problems that loom so large and seem so unsurmountable in the dark of night become completely manageable in the daytime. i've noticed this time and again, and yet i still manage to fall victim to the night terrors.

which brings me to last night's panic attack. after some nudging - gentle and not-so-gentle - i realize that i would be a fool to turn down my dream because of short-term comfort concerns. i'm forever counseling people in tough positions to "rip off the band-aid"; to endure the intensity of brief pain, knowing that the relief that follows will be immense.

i was told once that i need to stop living for other people. that's true. and choosing the easy personal route would be one more choice made with other people's interests in mind. so i'm going to do what's best for me, despite the difficulties to come, and i know full good and well that the long-term future will be so much better for it.

this is it. don't get scared now.

conundrum

oh, freaking hell. and just like that, life gets complicated as anything again. basically, it breaks down like this. i have two scenarios from which to choose, both of which have good and bad points. the choice i make - and it must be made as soon as possible - will have serious repercussions on my future. not excessively self-reflective, i-think-they're-serious-but-they're-really-not repercussions, but the real deal. i literally have no idea what to do.

scenario #1
pros: i get to go home. i go back to my hometown, to an amazing grad program in my favorite place on earth. i get incredible, prestigious professional training.
cons: i have to move there as a married woman, putting a serious delay in my plans to be free.

scenario #2
pros: i get to be free. i get to live in a new city. i get pretty good professional training at a pretty well-respected grad program. i also get to do this without any restrictions on my personal life.
cons: i'd have to turn down the best program i got into to do this.

ugh. rational self-interest is my new watchword; i try to do the best possible thing for myself at all times these days. but there's a big problem here. what's best for me professionally and what's best for me personally are not the same here. i'd have to seriously undercut myself professionally to do the best thing personally. conversely, i'd have to seriously undercut myself personally to do the best thing professionally. this is the hardest choice i've ever had to make, and i have a matter of days to make it.

i know i said before that i was going to start relying on myself more often. but this one's too big for me. i'm opening the floor for advice. what would you do? no promises that i'll actually do what the consensus suggests, but i definitely need some input here. i've never been this lost in my life. help!

sunshine

i spend a lot of time on this blog fussing, whining, sorting out drama and picking my life apart. but today is just not that kind of day. there's far too much to be happy about today: two classes cancelled/excused; several hours of (gasp!) down time; a trip out of town to look forward to; and tons upon tons of glorious, amazing spring sunshine.

i have what i personally describe as reverse seasonal affective disorder. i don't get super-bummed in the winter, although i am a little draggy. what happens to me is that when it starts getting warm and sunny, i get a big jolt of endorphins the second the sun hits my skin. it is INSTANTANEOUS. i walked outside today to throw something in the dumpster, for god's sake, and i was struck with the urge to run around in the grass like a five-year-old kid. it is so nice.

so i sit here with my window open, smelling the spring-scented air, staring at the green trees and soaking in every single drop of beautiful weather that i can get to. i have no complaints today. the only thing i could want more than what i have right now is for this afternoon to last a few hours longer than it will...

smoke

you keep saying the past is not dead
well, stop and smell the smoke
you keep on saying the past is not even past
and you keep saying
we are smoke, smoke, smoke...
- "smoke," ben folds five

i've spent the last few days just steeped to the gills in blasts from my past, some welcome, some uncomfortable. i spent a few terrifying hours trying to keep drunk people from getting into worse states than they were already in, with varying degrees of success. (only a little blood was spilled. i consider that a win.) i went to the wedding of a dearly-beloved ex, finding people i hadn't seen in two-plus decades at the same event. and i had a mini-reunion of sorts with some wonderful college friends on a random night in the law-school town.

all this got me thinking about the past. i do that a lot. but really, it's funny. i've found that reconnecting with the people who knew me before i tied myself down and quashed my ambitions restores me and satisfies me in ways i never anticipated. but meeting up with the people who knew me in the middle of that, through no fault of their own, just remind me of how different i made myself in furtherance of a goal that really should never have been a goal in the first place. it's painful, and it's annoying.

so it's not that the past is dead, nor that it should be. i love my friends. but the past i'd like to revisit and reconnect with is the past in which i was truer to myself, before i stopped caring about myself, before i did what others wanted. as for the other past, when i was someone other than myself? yeah. that's smoke.

changing the mood... [TRUE STORY]

OK, so after the heavy dose of venom last time, i've decided to be silly here. i took these questions from mannland 5 (via the daily dose of reality). here we go...

1 - Why did you start blogging?
i started blogging to take some thoughts i'd been having about my life and extrapolate them to their logical extremes (and beyond, in some cases).

2 - Who's the one blog friend that you would want to meet most in "real life"?
ooh, tough one - they're all so amazing! if i had to pick, i'd say the foggy dew. really, though, i'd like to meet everyone i read. interesting, smart people all.

3 - Why are you always concerned with losing that "extra 10 pounds" when chances are your husband/boyfriend/friends tell you that you look just fine the way you are?
haha. funny you should mention that; i was just thinking about weight loss and appearance. in my case, there's an element of schadenfreude at work here. i'd always been a big girl. now that i'm not so big anymore, i feel like the skinnier i get (and the more attention i get because of it), the more i can drive the demons of the old days away. within reason, of course.

4 - What's the one thing you wish guys could understand about you?
a sincere compliment, a hug and a good joke will carry you SO far with me.

5 - Tattoos. How many do you have and how many are visible when you wear your "everyday" clothes?
as of this moment, 1 - not visible with everyday clothes. soon to be two, though; my "if the saints win the super bowl" thing was a fleur-de-lis tattoo somewhere.

6 - What was the best year of your life and why?
hmm. 1998 was an amazing year for a lot of reasons (high-school graduation, starting college, a couple of good relationships). it remains to be seen if 2010 will top it, though. so far, so good. the 2009-10 academic year has probably been the best academic year of my life.

7 - Name three things you would do if you were a man for one day.
1) go to the mechanic's, just to see if there's any difference in treatment
2) attend a formal in a tux (i'm so tired of dates bitching about how uncomfortable they are, as i stand there in a dress, heels and freaking pantyhose)
3) try to get laid :)

8 - What's your alcoholic drink of choice that usually raises a few eyebrows?
no doubt, it's the monsoon. (thanks, three years of living in louisiana!) we call it "drunk in a cup." light rum, dark rum, pineapple juice, grenadine and sour mix. oh, so yummy.