adult entertainment

there's been far too much heaviness around my life these days - final divorces, bad anniversaries, surgeries, stresses and struggles. i, for one, am damn tired of it. so tonight, i choose to go a different route. as always, when i go here, i've employed my old friend, the HTML jump. if you don't want to read about matters salacious and vulgar (and tonight, i DO mean vulgar - details are dished), i'll understand. but if you do? let's go.

serenity

god, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

this, my friends, is the serenity prayer. i know, right - me, quoting prayers? it's like in to kill a mockingbird, when the foot-washing baptists run away from miss maudie, thinking that the devil was surely quoting scripture for his own purposes. but i learned it when my mom was heavy into AA, and frankly, i kinda like it. i picked this little jewel up when i was six years old, and in the intervening two-and-a-half decades, it's come through for me as a centering piece time and time again.

so you can bet that it's been running through my brain like the sound of horse hooves for the last 20 hours or so. see, the man is a genius consultant. he works with people who do amazing things with nonprofits and non-governmental organizations. his clients do their stuff all over the world, and generally where there's great need. being that we're in the metro DC area, our nation's capital and all, his client base is pretty much all centered here, though, so that's no biggie. until now, anyway. the newest entry on his client slate is really gung-ho for his skills. how could you not be - he's freaking brilliant at what he does. and there's the rub. he's so brilliant that they want him to go into the field and help them with their operations in country.

in africa. and a particularly dodgy corner thereof.

oh, color me thrilled about this. it was announced to me last night that this is happening in a mere nine days. i have bad news, and i need you to not freak out. um, hon, here's a hint: if you introduce the idea with this prologue, you're almost guaranteed to trigger preemptive freaking out. but really, i took it well. i just didn't say anything. he held my hand. are you okay? well, i kind of have to be, don't i? this is the kind of professional opportunity that can put a businessman like him on the map. it's prestigious as hell. i am, beyond the vague fear, so unbelievably proud of him that i can't stand it. but yeah, i'm going to worry. you're freaking out, aren't you? i didn't say anything. but yes, love, i am worried.

so this is the big test. this is the ultimate strain on the serenity prayer as a mantra, a balm, a way to soothe myself. i know rationally that nothing bad is going to happen, that he's going to wow them with his skills and really set his practice in motion more than ever. but for that nine-day stretch of time that he's away from me, flying literally halfway around the world? i'm going to worry.

accept the things i cannot change. this is the modest task that is my charge. and folks, i'm going to need all the help that i can get...

baby, baby, baby

i am twenty-nine. that means that i am in that sweet spot chronologically where everyone i freaking know, it seems, is having a kid, has just had a kid or is trying to have a kid. babies are absolutely everywhere. i'd say it's something in the water, but it's nationwide.

now, babies are about the cutest things on the planet. they're also intimidating as hell. i swore up, down and sideways that i'd never go there. i never wanted to be someone's mama. but then, a funny thing happened. of all people, the man stepped in. this was long before he was the man, when he was just my best friend. i mentioned this to him late one night in the middle of the breakup of my marriage, how there's just no way i'd ever have a kid.

"eh, you'll change your mind."
i literally did a double-take. "what?"
"you'll change your mind." he took a sip of his beer. "i know full well you don't mean that."
"what the hell are you talking about?" how surreal is this? talking about reproduction with you? WEIRD. just... WEIRD.
"i think that when you find the right partner, the right person, you'll feel a lot differently about the subject. you'll be an excellent mother someday."

now, this whole conversation has taken on an obviously different light now that my partner is, well, him, but at the time, this was staggering. the wholesale endorsement of my ability to raise a kid was flattering and reassuring. and sure enough, he's right. i did change my mind. it really wasn't "i don't want to have a kid." it was, "i don't want to have a kid WITH YOU."

is there any topic more fraught with angst for a woman of childbearing age? there's an emotional or societal landmine about every tenth of a second. it's crazy. and i always thought i was above the fray. but then the man and i went to visit our friend's brand-new baby son in the hospital the day after he was born. i held that little guy in my arms and talked to him. the man, after some coaching, did the same (terrified though he was). that cher bebe, looking up expectantly at all of us, taking us all in... wow. for the first time in my life, i really felt that pang. holy hell. i think i want one.

there will be a lot more on this topic going forward, i think. there's so much to stew over. but the one thing i know for sure is this: my life just got one hell of a lot more complicated.