good lord. this has been the kind of day that just tries your SOUL. i mean, to start with, it's dark all the time now. that's draining enough; some of us little plants need the sun to grow and bloom, and all this night isn't the best thing for us. it's not that i don't like the darkness. i mean, most of my favorite things happen at night. but i need to see the sun from time to time or i get... chippy, let's say. it's almost like excessive darkness wraps my heart in a compression bandage. the bandage tightens really easily, which makes things feel raw, rough. it really kills my natural cheer, is what i'm saying.
hey. stop laughing. i can hear you from here. :)
all levity aside, though, the dark is one thing. but man, has it been a rough, awful day for tons of people i care about. work setbacks. personal challenges. health scares. dreams deferred. loved ones lost. it's enough to make you lose your faith, if you have any faith to lose.
i've really been off a step all weekend. i can't explain it; i've just not been on top of my game. i nearly threw a temper fit because the girl at mcdonald's messed up my order. i nearly lost my composure in the middle of a really nice dinner over... christ, i can't even remember why. and this afternoon, dealing with all the horror of the day, i lost it. driving back from lunch, the man and i kinda had it out over a misunderstanding over my worldview. and that's what it took to pull me back from the brink. why the HELL are you yelling at him? he didn't DO anything. he just didn't get your point.
thankfully, i was able to get a hold of myself. i just stopped talking, which is what i usually do when i've screwed up, i know i need to apologize or change course, but i'm either not ready or not sure how to. he picked up on it and asked me if i was OK; i did my best to explain my insanity and try to make him understand. and what's amazing is, he seemed to. he kissed me, he wrapped his arms around me, and he held me close to him.
and just like that, the darkness broke a little. to be able to redeem myself from, really, inexcusable behavior just by virtue of his understanding how my brain works (or doesn't) touches me so deeply that it's hard to even contemplate for too long without getting overwhelmed. i always tell him when we're alone, "you're so good to me." his response is a simple, "i try." and the fact that he does try, even when i don't live up to my end of the bargain, gives me so much faith in him. he's always been a constant in my life. now more than ever, that's the truth, and my god, am i grateful for that.
Letter 70: Be Louder
17 hours ago