Wednesday, September 29, 2010

heavy cloud, no rain

i haven't seen the sun since this weekend. whenever i've been out among the living, it's been heavily gray and dismal outside. that's been nice for the temperature; for those of us who walk everywhere we go, it's a welcome change from hot and humid. however, it's also an accurate reflection of my mood, and the cloud gets heavier as the days go by.

part of my come-to-jesus moment with the man sunday night involved the fact that i don't like to entangle the past with the present. i would much rather concentrate on moving forward. it's irritating to me that i'm as upset as i am over all of this, and it's infuriating that i can't keep a lid on it in his company. he doesn't deserve to have to pick up the pieces from someone else's destruction. but he insisted that i allow myself to feel whatever it is i'm feeling, whether or not he's there.

so i'm feeling it. and it's pretty damned rotten. as happy as i can be in the moment, and there's a lot to be happy about, my general head state is full of anger, sadness and fear. compound that with a double-barreled dose of just horrific circumstances in the lives of people i know, and that's a recipe for not wanting to leave my bed. but i do. i go out into the world and pretend like i'm 100% okay, laughing and joking with my friends. then the night ends, i come in and i close the door. that's when i drop the pretense, open the floodgates and just let it all come out.

relatively speaking, anyway. for the last two years, i've spent so much time acting like nothing was wrong that i think i've forgotten how to express emotion in any real way. i said in the moment that all i wanted to do was develop the ability not to give a damn. i did, but i think i've overachieved. when i admit to myself how upset i am, all i can do is conjure up this generically dull ache. it kills my focus, magnifies any physical pain and knocks me flat on my back. i am unable to do anything more than stare at the computer screen or the TV, taking in whatever is in front of me with no analysis or thought of any kind. i feel, but i can't process.

this kills me. it makes me want to do something - ANYTHING - to work out the pain. i thought i was past this sort of reaction. like every thinking person, i've had my bouts with depression, with serious mental issues. i feel myself creeping towards that place again. over my dead body will i let that happen again. so i'll put on my helmet in the morning, go back out there and show the world how strong i am. and i'll do my damnedest to find a good way to process this. it won't beat me. i won't let it.

clouds eventually blow away.


  1. I know you won't let it beat're too good for that. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't feel it. It's part of the process.

  2. You've already won half the battle by recognizing the problem. *hug*

  3. Love you, and this will get better. It sucks, but even the worst feelings eventually pass. You're strong, and you will overcome. Call me if you need me.

  4. Just a thought, but do you think dealing with the past would be easier without the current relationship that you have? You say yourself that it is irritating to you that you find yourself upset around him. What if there was no him to be upset around?

  5. TDG: yeah, i have thought of that. having the law-school trained mind that i have (read: being really, really wonky), i did a mental cost-benefit analysis of the situation. the man gives me so much more than this little piece of my life takes away. he really is worth it.

    and to be fair, this doesn't come up all that often.

  6. We all have ups and downs. You're recognizing yours and dealing with it. You aren't creeping toward that place again. It's okay to let your man in, too. It sounds like he can handle it. xoxo


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