Sunday, September 26, 2010

god of love, hear our prayer

standing still for this is such an exquisite form of torture. how is it possible to feel pride, happiness, contempt and shame for a situation all at once? i will never understand how a few platitudes, heavily scripted in the name of spectacle and braggadocio, can stir such deep emotional currents. but here we are. the atheist, the whore, the charlatan, standing here in perfect character as a good upstanding woman of faith and charity. "god of love, hear our prayer." warm words of christian fellowship. touching.

i know how to wear the costume, the mask. i hit my marks perfectly, learn every line and recite them with a smile. i make this look good, too. but that's the fun of it, even though it kills me. i love knowing what no one else knows - while you stand here offering your blessing, showering godly praise on the happy family fabric woven before you, i am the agent of chaos. i stand in the midst of the fabric, slowly pulling threads at my whim and caprice. i am so far above all of this, and you'll never know.

that is, until the charade finally collapses, once and for all. my life is so beyond your traditional conceptions of reality. i want nothing more than to stand in the rubble and laugh at your woeful underestimation of my ruthless efficiency.

god of chaos, hear my prayer.


  1. I believe that the God of Love and the God of Chaos are one and the same... and both are within us.

    Love leads to comfort leads to being afraid of risk. Chaos can help shake that up.

    Chaos can eventually lead to pain and despondency... but Love can dig you out of that.

    At least this has been my experience. Love has saved me when I needed saving. Chaos has driven me to leave my comfort zone and excel.

  2. What a portrait you've painted here. I've seen people tearing at the threads of community, secretly praying to the God of chaos. So very damaging.

    It's not even the worship; it's the duplicity.

  3. All in all, I admire your God of Chaos...
    Can I borrow him...??? It's gotta be a guy, or it would have been a Goddess... no?



  4. Wow. I wish I had a more profound remark after reaching such a profoundly interesting and complex vignette, but...yeah. Just WOW.

  5. Far too often, there is a fine line between love and chaos. LOVE your writing!


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