Wednesday, September 29, 2010

the difficult kind

the weather has finally broken. the air's been pregnant with moisture for days, just waiting to burst forth and drench us all. thankfully, this all occurred after i got home with my groceries and my 50-pound school bag. but more importantly, my mood has broken along with the storm outside. the leaden feeling in my chest, the numbness that enveloped me, has been replaced with something lighter, more encouraging. about damn time, too.

there's a tinge of reborn confidence in this new emotional state. i'm starting to internalize the good parts of the changes in my life, and not in a fleeting "thank god it's over!" kind of way. yeah, this process, now that it's real, is harrowing and painful. things will be said that hurt me more than i could imagine, but that's the only bullet he has left. but i know i'm already better for standing up and cutting the cord. i've owned up to my mistake. i've offered my mea culpa, too. that's all i can do. now the growth, the working on me, begins in earnest.

no one ever said this would be easy. i'm finding out just how hard it is, actually. loving and losing in such a spectacularly devastating fashion has made me someone different than i was before. but it's bringing out the good in me, in a way that's far more authentic than clinging to a glittering charade. it's just a shame that i can't share the change with him. if he could only see what love has made of me, but i'll no longer be in his life. what he'll remember of me, well, it almost makes me cry. but that's how it happens, i guess. that's the fallout, and that's his loss. the lessons of this will be well appreciated in those who stick around.

and you won't see the good in me. but, babe, i've changed.


  1. Glad your mood has improved with the weather and with your new self. Good luck to you!

  2. i love the way you just made me wish the rain would continue for a little bit longer, despite having an outdoor event tonight :)

  3. I love the feeling you get when some huge burden gets lifted off your's so much easier to breathe deeply, and you feel like you might be able to conquer the world, after all.

  4. It's still raining in our neighborhood. Please tell me it is not this humid in DC? I don't know how anyone manages to look put together in the city.

    It's always a little bit bittersweet to know that you've changed and know someone who once was very important will never get to see it.

  5. I struggle so with this---that I've changed, and I so want that certain person to see, recognize, appreciate, pay homage to that change, too.

    But, all that matters, at day's end, is the change we see and feel and celebrate within ourselves.

  6. I'm glad that you so quickly got past feeling down. It shows how much you've changed. And, I don't think it's a bad thing that even though he doesn't know how you were, he's able to appreciate all that you are.


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