Friday, July 23, 2010

one is the loneliest number

i claim to be tough. in a lot of ways, i am. i've been through a lot and i'm still standing. but if you scratch me deeply enough, you'll get to my core, and you don't have to go as deeply as i wish you did to find it. long story short, i am not as strong as i think i am, or even as strong as i purport to be. this is never more obvious than on friday evenings.

as it gets dark out and the weekend begins, i start to get really edgy if i don't have somewhere to be, somewhere to go. i haven't quite let go of that mentality that weekend nights are for youthful socializing, and if you're not out doing something, you're missing out. now that it's just me, and i don't have someone at the house who's always there to talk to or go out with, this feeling's gotten 100 times worse. i know i just need to soldier through it, bite the bullet, snuggle up with some netflix streaming stuff and realize that life doesn't end because you spent a night in. but that doesn't change this feeling of, "oh, my god, i am alone. there's no one here to talk to and i am alone. ALONE." the walls close in.

i have friends. good ones. i know this. but friday night alone makes me feel like the most unloved person on the planet. it's totally irrational, but that's the way it is. maybe that's why i backslide, looking for companionship in all the wrong places. it'll get better soon, i know it will; i'll grow used to my new lifestyle. i haven't spent a weekend alone in a long, long, long, LONG time. time will make this better.

right?

8 comments:

  1. Part of me mourns for my Friday and Saturday nights, but I think it's part of a larger loss - my youth. This city also doesn't allow for the the nights out that I once owned and occasionally crave.

    I've come to enjoy my nights in simply because there is nothing to do here. We're trying to be fiscally responsible with the single income and prefer to save and splurge on a big trip.

    But once we're living elsewhere...watch out.

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  2. What a perfect post to describe how I feeling tonight.
    I have friends, except they decide at the last minute not to hang out with me 'for no particular reason'.
    So yeah, feeling a bit alone and sad about my life is nothing but work, even when I to squeeze friend time in.

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  3. I used to feel like this, but now I rarely go out on Friday nights. In fact, usually I banish Scott to the basement (it's where he plays computer games, so he's not in a dungeon or anything) and watch something I want to watch and work on something crafty all by myself. Sometimes I even go to bed early. I don't know when or how I made that transition...but once I got used to it I love my nights in.

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  4. I was talking to someone earlier... she asked me if I had a'hot date' for tonight... I told her "no"... that I'm not much of a recreational dater... If I am seeing someone, it's because I am hoping that something will develop... Laura took the wind out of my sails back in October after having told me she loved me... and then the nonsense with the married "divorced" ex girl friend... I spend quite a bit of time alone... I have channeled my time lately more into that of discovery... things are quite well at the time, but like you, I do find it sad to be home on a weekend night...

    You will be ok, Grasshoppah...

    ~shoes~

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  5. And, of course, the moment I type that our friends called and invited us for dinner tonight.

    Ever get the feeling the Universe is laughing at you?

    Not that it wasn't fun.

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  6. So many thoughts running through my mind, and oh-so many Fridays night that I've spent alone in the past few years since the college years ended. I used to have panic attacks just thinking about having to stay in alone on a Friday night. I still have rough moments but have come to learn that many people do the same...leading me feel a little less alone. Actually I feel like a lot of my friends (in various cities) spend their Friday nights home too.

    My suggestion is to make your own Friday night ritual. I used to tape Grey's and eat sushi and have a glass of wine. Now I've started going to spinning class which has helped so much.

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  7. ooh, that's a fabulous idea. i have about six TV series that i wanted to start watching in law school but didn't have time to. maybe that's what my fridays will be about. thanks! :)

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  8. Have you thought about making solid plans every Friday night (one of the Tweetups, taking a class, organizing a movie night or Girls' Night with friends, etc.)?

    Based on my experience, time might not change how you feel as much as age and stage. I've spent many a late night at the office to avoid working on the weekends. I also value my sleep and down time, as much as I value socializing (without caring what others might think). xoxo

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