this will not go down as one of my favorite weekends ever. and yet, after all the insanity, the curveballs i was thrown, i don't feel beaten up, or even all that angst-ridden. quite the opposite; i feel more at peace tonight than i have in months, if not years.
a lot of stuff came to a head this weekend. i finally decided to cowboy up and confess a bunch of things to a bunch of people, things that should've been said years ago. there was a lot of tragedy in these conversations. there was a lot of letting go of pretense, copping to weakness and failure, and there was more heartbreak than i ever saw coming. i did get down; i mean, who doesn't in that situation? it's never easy to do the dirty work of life.
but i did something intelligent this time: when something bugged me, i actually (GASP!) spoke up. i unloaded. i vented. and i was honest, 100% honest, about how this felt. it's easy to 'fess up to y'all out in blog-land; i don't have to look you in the eyes while i write this. but i've always had issues being straight with people who are close to me. well, no more. the things i said, the truths i finally copped to, they really did set me free. so i woke up this morning for the first time in forever with a sense that things really will be OK. i mean, i knew this intellectually all along, but when you live as i do, there's sometimes a pretty big disconnect between head and heart.
so that's good. there's a sense, finally, that i really am on the cusp of getting everything i wanted out of my life, after a long pause for silliness and emotional stuntedness. it's going to happen. and i'm going to make it happen. i don't have to be scared, or hold back, or any of that other defensive foolishness i've built up over the years. and all it took to get all this insight was to open up and TELL THE TRUTH. it's amazing how that works.
Letter 70: Be Louder
4 weeks ago