i am twenty-nine. that means that i am in that sweet spot chronologically where everyone i freaking know, it seems, is having a kid, has just had a kid or is trying to have a kid. babies are absolutely everywhere. i'd say it's something in the water, but it's nationwide.
now, babies are about the cutest things on the planet. they're also intimidating as hell. i swore up, down and sideways that i'd never go there. i never wanted to be someone's mama. but then, a funny thing happened. of all people, the man stepped in. this was long before he was the man, when he was just my best friend. i mentioned this to him late one night in the middle of the breakup of my marriage, how there's just no way i'd ever have a kid.
"eh, you'll change your mind."
i literally did a double-take. "what?"
"you'll change your mind." he took a sip of his beer. "i know full well you don't mean that."
"what the hell are you talking about?" how surreal is this? talking about reproduction with you? WEIRD. just... WEIRD.
"i think that when you find the right partner, the right person, you'll feel a lot differently about the subject. you'll be an excellent mother someday."
now, this whole conversation has taken on an obviously different light now that my partner is, well, him, but at the time, this was staggering. the wholesale endorsement of my ability to raise a kid was flattering and reassuring. and sure enough, he's right. i did change my mind. it really wasn't "i don't want to have a kid." it was, "i don't want to have a kid WITH YOU."
is there any topic more fraught with angst for a woman of childbearing age? there's an emotional or societal landmine about every tenth of a second. it's crazy. and i always thought i was above the fray. but then the man and i went to visit our friend's brand-new baby son in the hospital the day after he was born. i held that little guy in my arms and talked to him. the man, after some coaching, did the same (terrified though he was). that cher bebe, looking up expectantly at all of us, taking us all in... wow. for the first time in my life, i really felt that pang. holy hell. i think i want one.
there will be a lot more on this topic going forward, i think. there's so much to stew over. but the one thing i know for sure is this: my life just got one hell of a lot more complicated.
Letter 70: Be Louder
4 weeks ago