Saturday, January 22, 2011

grace under fire

today, i rolled my ankle. i stepped out of the car, caught my heel on a thoroughly-invisible lumpy place in the pavement and went down on one knee like i'd been shot. swollen ankle, sore knee, sore hip, and weirdly, sore neck. (i strained my neck monday night - don't ask how - and reaggravated it when i fell.) i got up, reassembled myself and walked into the drugstore. good thing i was already there; i bought an ankle brace, to add to the four i already owned, then put it on as soon as i got back.

good lord, i'm in pain. but what's worse is that no one i know reacted to this with the typical level of shock that usually accompanies an adult falling down. no one said, oh my god! are you okay? good grief, how did this happen? no, what i got was, there you go again, haha. you're okay? good. damn, you're clumsy. another day, another fall, eh? sigh.

there was a time when this was funny. i know there was. but more and more, it's just getting old. i hurt myself so many times in a given day. i cut my finger the other day while sitting still in a car, holding a plastic box of salad. i do stupid damn things all the damn time, and the result is pain every damn day. i've never been particularly physically capable. i used to walk into door jambs and fall down constantly as a small child. daddy always called me "spatially gifted," which was his kind way of saying, good christ, my kid's a klutz. this is nothing new.

but what is new is this feeling of dread when i move around in the world. i should be able to walk places, do things, live my damn life without stupid little injuries. the joke on me shouldn't be, we have to wrap her in bubble wrap to get anywhere. but it is. i feel like a constant, never-ending punch line. there are other things that feed into this feeling, predominantly the new information that, apparently, i'm the most serious, joyless person on the planet (another rant for another time), but it's largely the clumsy, stumbling way i move through the world that makes people laugh at me.

i feel like a joke all the time with this. but i don't know what to do; i am already so careful that the other punch line about me is that i am the queen of the obsessive-compulsives. i don't know how to fix it. so this is my cross to bear, i guess: i lack grace, and everyone in my life gets to have a nice chuckle at my expense. over and over. forever and ever, world without end, amen.


  1. You are not alone. I have a habit of randomly falling down and landing weird just trying to step over a curb.

    Seriously. I am that guy.

  2. I'm glad I'm not the only one (not that I'm glad you get hurt). I constantly have bruises, cuts, and scrapes all over my legs. It comes with having no depth perception (Thank You, Mim, for these awesomely defective eyes you gave me).

    Your ankle does sound painful, though. I really hope you feel better soon, and until then, use it as an excuse to have an extra piece of chocolate.

  3. I'm so sorry.
    I don't even know if this would help, but maybe you should speak to an orthopedic specialist. Seriously, an insert in your shoe COULD address the falling/twisting/tripping.
    And while my initial response to your comments on exercise was 'try swimming,' I'm not sure you should do it alone.
    I'm so sorry, my friend.

  4. Ouch!! That ankle injury sounds awful.

    I have slipped/tripped/fallen so many times in my neighborhood (no sidewalks or the sidewalks that do exist are totally crappy). I'm totally paranoid every time I take the dog for a walk now.

    Aging sucks. What used to be a minor bump is now a week of joint pain.

  5. UGH. I hope your ankle feels better soon. It's the worst when the injury is the result of something as simple as that. I tweaked my back by picking up a freaking pillow to put it on my bed. A light, feathery pillow. Not a ton of bricks. So annoying, right?

  6. Old? LOLOL...

    C'mere.. I'll show you old...


    I hope your ankle is better today... it's amazing how accidents happen. I was walking to my truck Friday... my second most favorite shoes to wear are Clark's... and those fukken crepe soles SUCK!!!! I stepped on the slightest of inclines... my right foot slipped out from under me so fast and thank God I still have my great relexes... I was able to catch myself and not fall... and add to what seems to be an ever-growing list of ailments...

    I hope your ankle is better.

    As for the feeling of clumsiness... maybe others aren't noticing it as much as you think...


  7. Honey, I hope you feel better soon. If it makes you feel any better, I had to wear heels today, and was damn near incapacitated. If you're grace, then I'm dignity.

    BTW, Icy Hot and an Ace bandage really help. Loves!


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