Wednesday, October 27, 2010

cheap reward

"oh, i was trying to get away from the things that i always do..."
in case you missed the point of why you don't live here anymore, i'll state it again. see, you're emblematic of a pattern in my life that was, well, completely destructive. i went into things trying to remake myself in an image that you'd enjoy. sure it was stupid, but that's the way it is. too late to go back and do something about it. so i admitted i was wrong and cut the cord. but you're angry at me for realizing how wrong i was. nothing that can be done about that, either, i suppose. but my god, it's like you've gone out of your way to lash out at me every way you can. keep proving me right, my dear.

"all the sign posts on this road, they point one way."
i did my level best to make this civil. i suppose niceties were too much to hope for between us, especially when you seem so hellbent on making me feel just as bad as you do. well, i'm sorry you're hurting. i really am. that wasn't the point of all of this. but all the kindness i try to show you just ends up backfiring. that's frustrating as hell. the decline of our interactions breaks my heart.

"i'll turn the light out now, 'cause there's nothing more to say, and it's all been lost before, so there's nothing to lose..."
i think the worst part of all of this is that we used to be able to talk. that's how all this started; we talked for HOURS that first night. now, we can't even talk about anything without things escalating, getting all emotional, getting heated. it's painful. it's becoming increasingly apparent to me that all that we worked so long to build has been decimated, and further that there won't be something tenable to replace it. it's as over as it can be. and it's nothing short of unbelievable that this has happened. i tried. i failed. there's nothing more i can do, and honestly, there's nothing more i want to do. you don't want to maintain a relationship with me. i don't want to beat my head against the wall. there's nothing more to say besides the wind-up.

"lip service, that's all you'll ever get from me. how could you believe i'd take you seriously, with your cheap rewards, your blackmail, and your comical rage?"
and that means you get a version of me that you know full well isn't real. you used to know who i was. but thanks to the way you've let things devolve, you don't anymore. i've changed. you don't get to appreciate it. it's not like i didn't try. but it's all for naught, now. so you get the shell of me, the outer armor i've been forced to develop around you. i can't take this situation any other way. you lash out at me, you twist the things i say, you try to make me hurt the way you do. sorry. i don't believe in your act anymore. i can't do it. i am ready to move on.

"just remember: you'll only be the boss so long as you pay my wage." 
but it's not quite that easy. we're totally entwined financially, and it's just going to take time to get everything split up. until the time i don't need you anymore, i'm going to have to deal with it. but when i don't need you anymore, you'll still have your hooks in me, for a long, long time. i agree to this. i accept it. better than ezra once sang, "hope i never see the price of my freedom." yeah, turns out i will see the price. i'll see it until you're forty years old. but if that's what it takes, so freaking be it. and this is how it ends - writing checks, signing papers, and hardening my heart against you. that is so incredibly tragic, and in spite of my best efforts, that's just the way it has to be.


  1. If one person wanted what the other didn't want, then there will be angry feelings, and there is nothing you can do about it really. It will take time for the other party to get over it, but they generally do.

    (I was the other party in my situation)

  2. There is such tension here... such conflict...

    I do hope you are ok...


  3. You haven't done one of your lyric posts in a while. While they're often...well, a little depressing, I still enjoy them and I can see it's a good way to get your feelings out. they're beautiful. I hate that you're in pain. I hope the good always outweighs the bad.

  4. Thinking about you, sweets. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Loves!!

  5. Eek. this reminds me of when my marriage(s) fell apart. Congrats on passing the bar exam!!


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