Tuesday, December 7, 2010

headache

my head hurts. it's hurt all day long. not really enough to warrant drugs or anything; just that dull, vague pain that accompanies a series of mild-to-moderate annoyances.

i am over school. i don't want to do it anymore. i have three exams and a paper, all of which have to be done before the 16th. i can barely, barely force myself to study for them, even though i'm spending ungodly amounts of debt-money to get this stupid degree. it's physically painful to drag myself through this preparation.

and the physical pain triggers emotional dragginess. that in turn leads me to take tiny slights as full-on assaults, non-cues as giant signs of my immense worthlessness, and all sorts of other foolish things. i don't know why this happens, but it does. it makes me, to be totally honest with you, really terrible company. so i try to mitigate this by not speaking, by sitting silently wherever i happen to be. but then i feel like a giant burden on everyone i'm around, bringing the room down with my negativity.

now, none of this is real. but i still end up hurting as if it was. how goofy is this? it's just exhaustion, frustration and disappointment, to be honest with you. it really is. but knowing what it is doesn't seem to help me, y'know, DO SOMETHING about it. so here i sit, tightness in my chest, burden in my heart, feeling like i'm in the way again.

what a headache.

5 comments:

  1. Um, sweetie, ANY headache warrants medication. Preferably narcotics.

    ANYWAY.

    I would say something nice, like "all the stress will be over soon and it will totally be worth it when you have the job of your dreams blah blah blah" but who am I kidding? That isn't going to make the headache go away NOW.

    So here's a cyber-hug. And if I had some Lorotab, I'd send it your way. :)

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  2. I hope you feel better soon.

    http://ficklecattle.blogspot.com/

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  3. Ick. Let's hope it soon passes.

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  4. I'm sure that everything got done as it needed to by the 16th. I hope that you didn't feel poorly physically and emotionally until then, though. xoxo

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