there's a song out there, a minor hit in the mid-90s, "sometimes love just ain't enough." i'm starting to think that there was some kind of prescience in how much i loved it at the time, because by god, it's the story of my life.
teenagers make stupid decisions about as often as they breathe. we all know this. i made my share, your share and that other guy's share of them myself. but one that i was fiercely proud of was the loyalty i showed to my boyfriend. i took up with him as a seventeen-year-old freshman in undergrad. met him day one, started dating day three, and that was that. we were engaged by senior year and married the summer after graduation. in the interim, i transferred colleges - TWICE - in an attempt to stay as close to him as possible. i moved heaven and earth for this relationship, and i thought that my hard work and sacrifice would pay off. in some respects, it has. he's a good-hearted guy, tons of fun, and a lot of laughs. but to paraphrase matthew mcconaughey in dazed and confused, i've gotten older and he has stayed the same age. the back-breaking work i put into this relationship has turned into a habit. his life is so easy, and i carry the burden.
even breaks from him involve more work than should be necessary when dealing with a thirty-year-old. essentially, i am the mother in this relationship. the friend he's going to go visit in the morning said, "i envision her packing your lunch and pinning your itinerary to your jacket with your mittens." ha, ha - big laugh all around. really funny line... if it wasn't the truth. i guess it's the fact that i'm so focused on being a grown woman these days, but i am just not willing to be the mama anymore. he's got a mama. (more on that tangled web later.)
this situation makes me angry. it makes me rebellious. it makes me act out in obvious and bad ways. (more on THAT later, too.) if i wasn't a student, which means i'm broke, i'd walk out the door tomorrow. i am not interested in being the rock that someone relies on in that way. i'm much more interested in taking care of myself. some people think that's selfish. i think that you can't possibly live this life in the old puritanical selflessness model, where everyone else's needs take priority over your own. i don't like myself when i'm resentful, and i'm resentful almost all the time. the only time i'm truly happy is when i'm not with him. this is NOT a good thing.
baby, sometimes love just ain't enough.
Letter 70: Be Louder
5 weeks ago