my head hurts. my plan to address the issues in my life through excessive alcohol consumption was a smashing success (please pardon the pun). i got a buzz on and smoothed out the rough edges... mostly.
but the problem with my choice of venue for my mini-bender was, well, it's a place i love. worse, it's a place WE love. the lyric goes, every inch of this city reminds me of you. everywhere we went, through the swirl of people and activity, all i saw was the times we walked the streets of our beloved new orleans. hell, if you want to get right down to it, that's the city that made us fall in love with each other. we met in our hometown, we flirted on neutral ground, we had dalliances in our current city, but it was new orleans, with its dark, dusty magic, that drew the lover out of him. i sat down for a drink at our bar, where our bartender noted his absence. his aura was everywhere; thus, the escape, though pleasant, was incomplete at best.
i went to bed last night, having successfully wrangled some semblance of peace for my jangled nerves through heavy yet controlled imbibing, tired, but feeling pretty confident that i could at least get some sleep without him. nestled in his t-shirt, still smelling of him, i drifted into a slow, light sleep. buzz. hmm. that's my phone. who's texting me? everyone's either here or asleep. i picked up the phone to investigate further.
and just like that, the clouds lifted. we only texted a few times, but just seeing those words on the screen soothed every raw edge in my body. and as we parted company for the night, he left me with one last message, apropos for the evening i'd had: don't do anything i wouldn't do. love you. as i wrote back that i love him, too, all the angst, the hurt and the sheer worry of the day fell away. it was just that simple, just that quick, and just that powerful. loving him really is a drug for me. when he's with me, or even when i'm able to be in touch with him, it's a form of comfort that i can't articulate. when he's not around, i go through withdrawals. consider yesterday's sturm und drang to be my own personal boyfriend-related DTs. i just need to know he's available, especially under stressful conditions such as these. all i need at times like this is that little, tiny reminder. love you.
always, my dear. love you too. :)
Letter 70: Be Louder
5 days ago