[let's go back to the very, very beginning. there's been some significant alteration in circumstance since this one was written. first, the old; then, the new.]
february 11, 2010: the wall
maybe it's the weather. maybe it's the season. but i'm starting to notice a certain... ambivalence, maybe, in my dealings with the other boy. we're both physically and emotionally close to each other, just as we have been the whole time. but it's starting to dawn on me that we're as involved with each other as we'll ever be. i think this realization has led to my disengaging a little.
he's been a constant joy and a thorn in my side for the entire run of this relationship. i love what we are to each other. but i hate, hate, hate the fact that there's this ever-so-thin wall between us, one that's entirely of his building. he's made the choice that this will only go so far. i've gone, over the course of things, from KNOWING he'd see the light, to HOPING he'd see the light, to realizing that he never will. and what is "the light?" well, basically, it's the fact that there's not another woman on the face of the planet who will ever care for him the way i have, do, and probably always will. i can't stand the fact that a) this is true, b) he can't or won't see it, and c) even if he knows it, and even if some part of him wants it, he can't or won't go there.
i love this boy. it's a deep and complex situation. but the foundations we've built this relationship on are so messed up that there's no possibility of things ever being white-picket-fence-ish between us. i guess it's asking too much to turn a lover into a partner, even if that lover was - and still is - your best friend. it's also asking too much of someone with so much iron will to remain aloof to break the wall down and let someone in. i wish so much that he'd drop the defenses. i just don't see it happening. i want him so much. i care about him so much. but, without malice, he's really doing a number on me. he cares about me as much as he can, and i know that. it's up to me to decide whether that's enough.
[so yeah, in the words of a fellow writer, your guy has become your man. as it happens, he took the plunge. we had a state of the union talk the other night, which is a big feat for him. i asked him what made him say lo those many months ago that he thought we had a future. his answer was more cryptic than what i expected: i don't know what i meant, specifically. i just know that i finally reached a point where the sense that it would go well between us was stronger than the fear, the risk, that it would go poorly. well, how has it gone? it was definitely the right decision.
there's no question that our origins are complex. the story of how we eventually fell in love ain't the kind of story you can tell grandkids. our time horizon is all jacked up. but none of the details matter. it's all window dressing. he eventually threw a line down and hoisted me over his wall. he realized that i was right, that there isn't another woman on earth who will love him the way i do. we went emotionally all the way in that talk the other night, and i told him in no uncertain terms where i see this going. he's on board, too. it's hard not to rush, to get to the shining future in the distance. but one thing all of this living i've done in the last few years has taught me is that the destination is not always the most important part. the journey matters, too.
turns out, to quote the man himself, you got what you wanted. yes, babe, i did. how 'bout that.]
Letter 70: Be Louder
4 weeks ago