so what do you do when the whole world is celebrating, and all you can do is look through the window from the outside?
i didn't do a mothers day post last year, largely because i spent that day packing and giddily contemplating my escape from the old life. but now, this year? i definitely woke up feeling out of sorts for (at least at that moment) no reason. i was just a bit prickly, but i chalked that up to the fact that i truly hate life for about the first ten to fifteen minutes of every day. i don't do mornings. but then, quite out of nowhere, the man and i had a full-on feelings-hurt yelling argument about something thoroughly stupid. it was resolved. but i was then, and still am, rankled about it. i said, i feel like i did something without meaning to. don't worry about it. but it sticks with me when i cause harm for reasons unrelated to the incident in question. and the reason why i'm upset today?
women getting roses. friends cradling babies. heartfelt testaments to love and devotion from goofball football players on twitter. pink bats during the damn nationals game, for god's sake. and me? well. i have a grandmother to call in a minute, and a stepmom who loves me to death. it's not like i'm lacking for love and affection. but it's just not the same, and even though this is the fourth mothers day without her, it's no better. in fact, it's worse. i know what i don't have, and it stings. badly.
so i really do hope that everyone out there celebrating has a fabulous mothers day. sincerely. but as for me, i just kinda wish the whole thing would go away. it's just another reminder of what happened. there's nowhere to send flowers today, no brunch reservations to make. the only bouquet i could give would be scattered in the waters of the gulf of mexico.
happy mothers day.
Letter 70: Be Louder
4 weeks ago