Monday, December 13, 2010


one of the side effects of being a hardcore, intense football fan is that i watch a lot of sports on TV. this time of year, that means i see one HELL of a lot of jewelry commercials. nothing makes me stabbier, except for maybe that god-awful hyundai commercial with the twee-pop indie freaks. (i won't link to them. they're too famous as it is. GAAH.)

now, don't misunderstand me. i am a HUGE fan of jewelry. i like me some sparklies. i am well-known for throwing on sweats and flip-flops (or snow boots in this weather), no makeup and hair all thrown back into pigtails, but with a perfectly-matched necklace and earrings. i am a connoisseur of swarovski crystal, turquoise and sterling silver.

but oy, do these jewelry commercials reduce relationships to so much patriarchal pablum. the women in these ads are simpering fools; the guys are smug paternalists, riding in to SAVE THE DAY with a glinting bride-price. the worst offenders, by far, are kay jewelers and their just god-awful two hearts (or as the boyfriend calls them, the two asses - go back and look at them again; you'll see) collection. either that or the "zomg, it's raining, save me, o strong man, for i am a weak and spineless girl-child!" one.

it's enough to make you want to join a radical wymynist collective or something. seriously. can't the people in these commercials just, y'know, give each other gifts like normal human beings, without the women looking like tiny children and the men looking like purchasers of more than just jewelry? come on, folks. real women with brains are so much more fun than airheaded simpletons. and smart women appreciate gifts too. we just don't gape over them like deer in headlights. it's way more fun to win a woman's heart when she's your equal.


  1. I was TOTALLY thinking about this today. How many jewelry commercials did I see today? 5? 10?

    It's absurd that handing a woman a sparkly can placate her...and it's even more absurd that there actually are women just like that.

    I think I'm very lucky to have a real relationship that doesn't depend on whether Scott buys me something expensive or not.

    CZs look the same as diamonds anyway (fun fact: unless you put them in corn syrup!)(different refractive index!) and then you get to spend all the cash you saved on something awesome, for example...a new kitchen!

  2. Oh.My.God. that two hearts thing is the ugliest piece I've seen. It looks like a screwed up Z! Unless your name is Zelda, leave it alone. I do like the commercial where the guy walks over to where his wife is rocking their newborn at 2am on Christmas morning, and gives her something sparkly. That's more of an "I'm so lucky that I have you/thank you for doing something so amazing" kind of gift. That's sweet. But some of these others...geez...

  3. And an addendum: The hubby pointed out to me that I was watching the rainy night jewelry commercial with the wrong scenario in mind. See, he just rescued that woman from a cryogenically-frozen cavewoman state of being. She's never encountered rain, and fears that the gods must be angry at her. He is saying he will protect her with the pretty shiny thing, hence the grateful kiss. She thinks he just saved her life, poor thing. ;)

  4. What, you're not terrified like a toddler when there's lightning outside? Only diamonds can give me the courage to survive a storm.

  5. See, my "favorite" is how they're trying to hock cheap-ass color-contaminated diamonds as "Chocolate Diamonds." Yanno, no matter how much they try to market them, they'll never convince me they not rejects.

    Strangely those Hyundai spots don't bother me as much as they should.

  6. So true. The guys in those commercials are so creepy, in a stalker kind of way. Take all their fingerprints. I'm sure there are bloody instruments in their cars.


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