i have been known in my life as a fairly fierce defender of those i love. it goes deep with me. when i was four years old, i got into a fight - a physical altercation, no joke - with a kid in my class who made my best friend cry. i have always felt it necessary to go to war for the people who matter to me. it's one of the ways i show my love for people.
weirdly, the troubles of the last few days have only intensified this feeling in me. as people i know suffer from everything from annoyances to serious tragedies, it sharpens the anger all the more. being in a somewhat weakened emotional state to start with has converted me from (and GOD ALMIGHTY, how i hate that sarah palin popularized this phrase, because it's a really good one, and it fits here) a mama grizzly to a WOUNDED mama grizzly. and when i'm wounded, i lash out hard.
the strongest manifestation of this instinct these days is, weirdly enough, aimed at myself. i see the strain i'm placing on my boyfriend with my... episode the other night and its attendant fallout. the boy loves me so much (you are the most important person on the planet to me), and he is so damn scared of this. i've never, in all our years together, seen him so scared. i hate to see him hurt, even as i hurt myself. so it's this really awesome negative feedback loop: i hurt; he's scared; i get upset that he's upset. lather, rinse, repeat. it's a multiplier on the stress.
i know this is crazy. there's no other word for it. and at the end of the day, my fealty to myself trumps my need to keep my loved ones safe here. looking out for #1 is my main job. in a backward sort of way, though, the need i have to defend my loved ones may just be the extra kick in the ass i need to shake the cobwebs off and get over this. not only do i owe it to myself - and it is CRYSTAL clear that i do - but i owe it to the man who loves me more than life, too. and if that's the inspiration to get through the fog, well, so be it. defending others leads me to defend myself, it seems.
Letter 70: Be Louder
4 weeks ago